Thursday, June 5, 2014

I did it!

I did it!  It's Thursday.  Can't believe 40 days have come and gone.  Can't believe my temp is still up.  98.9 today.  Can't believe I nearly threw up when I swallowed my coffee wrong this morning.  That was a nightmare.  I do NOT do vomit-so it was a touch and go moment for me- my kids kept looking at me like I was turning 10 colors green and couldn't figure out why choking on coffee would produce such shocking gagging noises.  I couldn't either.  I'm not even 6 weeks yet (Sunday) and even I was surprised at how sick I was, AND felt sick for the next THREE HOURS.  Does anyone have any idea what it's like to 1) hide a pregnancy 2) hide nausea 3) hide the reason behind nausea by acting like you're just "not getting enough sleep?"

I can only tell my kids for so much longer that mom needs naps because she's getting to bed late and getting up way to early and feels sick because she's tired before SOMEONE is going to catch on.  Fortunately, my oldest is a tad dense, she's super smart, but her elevator sometimes gets stuck between floors.  My son is about as clueless as a 4 year old playing in mud, my 8 year old is somewhat wise and will one day sooner or later figure it out, my 5 year old will just laugh and say she'll nap with me, the 15 month old will just cry and whine more which is not really anything new...but my 11 year old?  The one I'm home with ALL DAY LONG?

She'll figure it out pretty quick if this keeps up or gets worse.  She's the quickest one in the bunch and quite frankly, has the most common sense of all of them put together.

So hiding this for a few more weeks will be challenging. I suppose I will hide it until we have an ultrasound.  I can't be sharing with too many people that I'm potentially pregnant and then head to the OBGYN and see that "oh, Catholicmomma, you're not pregnant, you're just in menopause now." Cause that would suck to have to call everyone and tell them that....

I have told a few close friends.  6 to be exact.  Two are in Arkansas and are praying diligent for me.  Three are up here in NY and are also praying for me.   One is in GA and she too is praying for me.

The hardest thing about this is how I feel sometimes.  I know last night I wrote about the million thoughts going through my head, but sometimes I just feel as though God has given me too much.  I sometimes sit and when the nausea becomes so incredibly overwhelming, and i have to teach my 11 year old and the 15 month old is whining because, well, she can't talk so this is her communication, I just look up and ask, "God?  you don't think it's too much yet?"  I know He doesn't and I know I can handle this, He never equips us for what we DON'T have, goodness, if that be the case, wouldn't everyone be jumping on the half dozen or more kid bus?

"Hey- I just realized I have the patience for 10 more kids!!  Hot almighty damnation.  I'm hopping on board this large family bus right now!  I can't believe I didn't realize sooner I could handle at least 10 more!!!"

Ok, no.  He doesn't work that way.  He only gives us what we need for what we have.  That's what really bugs me the most about people and their off hand comments to me.

"Oh wow.  I can't handle the two I've got."

Really?  Or perhaps are you stretching yourself out so then, and letting your children get involved in every single activity and working 50 hours a week that you really are stretched to the max?  Sometimes we bring the "can't handle what we've got" all on ourselves.  We busy ourselves and fill every single moment in every single day with so much activity that before we know, we're running on fumes.

So back to the main idea before another squirrel jumps on this kid bus.

God has filled my plate.  I have six kids, I feel very overwhelmed, but some of my stress is self induced.  I get upset because my kids won't help around the house, because my expectations are set WAY too high, or because I plan things in my head, and they don't quite go the way I envisioned and suddenly, I feel overwhelmed.  It's not because God has given me too much, it's because I have added to what He gave me instead of just enjoying where He has me.

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