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As we speed almost recklessly closer and closer to Christmas, and my blood pressure slowly begins to rise to normal (I suffer from low blood pressure), my panic has set in and I realize I am not really sure I really enjoyed Advent like I anticipated doing. I realize I also failed quite miserably on several occasions to remain the calm, cool and collected mother my children know me to be....
I'd like to insert a huge eye roll here....
Perfect....
I keep hearing the words of people I know echoing in my ear during times like this...
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
To be perfectly honest, the question at times frustrates me. What do they mean, How do I do it?
How do I function on little to no sleep? How do I manage to cook meals for a freaking army? How do I keep my house from not being condemned by the health department? How do I afford gas in a 15 passenger gas guzzling machine? How do I consistently win the prize for spending the most money at my local grocery store? (Just kidding about that one, I know EXACTLY how I do that...)
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| Money really DOES fall from the sky... |
But the reason why it frustrates me, especially during this time of the year and beyond, is because it's the same answer every.single.time.
I don't do it.
Not all of it.
I have help.
Not just my husband.
Not just my kids. (let's be brutally honest here- kids 'help' is like how the dog 'helps' clean the floor after dinner, K?)
I have Help with a capital H.
But that Help isn't what you might be thinking.
I get frustrated, mostly because it actually drives me bonkers when someone tries to tell me they couldn't do what I do. I don't even really know how I do it, but what I do know is, I have to set limits for everything we do. Everything.
If you have two children, and you have your children in something, or more than one something, every single day of the year, I can totally see why you couldn't 'do it.' I couldn't either! I remember once a really good friend from back home lamented to me how she felt bad about not being able to do MORE with her children. This was when I 'just' had five, and she had a few less. I remember thinking to myself before I spoke, "what exactly is it you're wanting your children to remember as children when they grow up???"
I never said anything out loud. I was already very vocal about the ridiculousness of having children's schedules so full there was no time for anyone to breathe, but I tucked it away in my heart. And since then, added three more to the brood and that friend and I don't talk anymore, but she's always on my mind. She had a few children less than me, but she went on to have a few more and the Christmas cards she sent always showed amazing vacations, unbelievable activity schedules of each child and at the end she would write, "your totally stressed out friend....hahahaha...."
what? Totally stressed out? What??? But yet, you would lament about how it frustrated you that you couldn't do more? How she looked at me and wondered how on earth I even managed to be in public with the number of humans in my own home (remember, only 5 at the time...) let alone have everyone dressed for Church at 9:30 every Sunday..... because that was NOT happening in her house....
HOLD UP....
You will put your children in 59,386 activities throughout the year, spend 2.1 million on tropical vacations to countries I can't pronounce and only dream of flying to...Have them meet some of the most well known humans in our world.... but you won't take them to CHURCH once a week for maybe an hour?
Well sister, here is the problem!!!
Why Church? Why would you ever want to torture yourself and your children by sitting still for almost an entire hour?
I guess this is getting to be more and more common. The less we talk about Jesus, the more He takes a backseat to most everything. Sports, events, activities, vacation, life...basically.
At first, I was really mad about this. The more read, the more I talked to not just my girlfriend, but people in general, it seemed more common than ever that people were deciding church took a back seat. Jesus, took a back seat. I was upset! Rightly so, I love Jesus so much and can't fathom my life without His nourishing Eucharist, and He's done SO MUCH for me in my life, above and beyond the awesome dying on a cross.....let's be real- if we really thought about the Via Dolorosa, (Way of the Cross), we probably wouldn't really miss Church much ever except if sick....
But as I was bombarded by the overwhelming numbers of people putting Mass or any sort of faith based religion on the back burner, I became increasingly more saddened. Sad because I feel we've failed our fellow brothers and sisters in being the light of Christ to all we meet. We are called at the end of Mass to go forth and proclaim the good news. Basically, we are called to be missionaries and go out and bring people to Jesus and Jesus to the people. We haven't done that very well. In fact, I would say, if we truly believed that Catholicism started with Jesus, we don't even realize that He commissioned His disciples to go out and be missionaries! I was just listening to a priest friend's interview on a podcast yesterday and he went into great detail about what we need to do to show people just how much Jesus loves them and how He longs for a relationship with them.
We all need Jesus whether we realize it or not. I think we all tend to have that longing for something that we can't quite put our finger on. We are constantly searching and trying to fill that void with all kinds of niceties... We try to fill it with things. We try to fill it with people. We try to fill it with all kinds of distractions. Social media, TV, movies, noise of any kind....but we are always left feeling slightly empty....
My friend, I felt, was searching for that same thing. I think she thought her children must of felt the same way, because she was so afraid of letting her boys and girls ever feel that empty feeling, that she needed to fill every single moment with all of these life experiences so that when they grew up- perhaps they would feel satisfied that life as a child was filling and perfect... Am I sure that's why she did it? Not really. I believe some people don't even realize just what they're missing out on. But I'm guessing, more than not, a lot of people are constantly trying to fill that void with something. Some with addictions because that void is so deep and so painful that numbing the pain of it is the only way to cope.... Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but maybe I'm not...
Because in all honesty, there is no other explanation as to how I do it, or why I do it, or even what I do, other than Jesus and my faith. If I was not so in love with my Lord, I would never have been open to more children. If my husband and I BOTH were not so in love with our faith and our Lord, we would never be open to the Church's teaching on anything, let alone the shocking audacity of letting Someone Else be in charge of our fertility...that's a very personal and private matter- how could we trust a 'higher power' and not our own voice of authority?
How can we even dream of trying to survive on one salary in a state that charges way.to.much.for.property.taxes...... Or how we'll pay for food to feed this army of humans? How could we even sleep at night worrying about how to pay for 10 pairs of tennis shoes (not sneakers...) or heaven help us- 10 teeth cleaning without good dental insurance..... (insert shocked face...)
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I was blessed at a very young age before children, to rediscover my faith. It was a long and sometimes painful journey. I was doubly blessed that my husband was on board (after much prayer and sacrifice for his reversion). It was natural to just bring our children to Mass every week. Week after week. Sometimes daily if I was feeling ever so brave. But that's how they learned to "sit for an hour..." And if anyone knows us, and has seen us at Mass, you know my younger ones do anything but 'sit' for an hour....my almost 6 year old still struggles with it. But I see how it gives my husband and I the "power" to get through to the next week. Power from Jesus. Power from His unending love for us and His desire for us to be there receiving Him in the Eucharist.
So, how do I do it? How do I raise eight children in a world and culture that despises large families? Sets us up for failure from the get go? Discourages anyone for having more than one child by proclaiming that children cause brain damage?? (that is a seriously annoying New York Post article....)
I do it with the help of Jesus. My husband. My children. My friends... It's not easy. It's never easy to do things that aren't always very popular. It's never going to be easy to swim against the current. It's hard to do what I do. I am usually the first to tell people that having lots of kids is not for everyone. It's not for a lot of people. You have to give up a lot.
Sleep. Nice clothes. Fancy cars. Nice trips. Clean home. The latest technology. Friends. (who don't understand...) Sleep. Money. Not doing 400 loads of laundry daily. (I know you dream of that...don't deny it...) Only preparing food for a few people every night. Sleep. and more sleep.
Did I mention sleep..... We currently have a one year old who, unanimously voted, is the worst sleeper ever....
You give up a lot....but what do you gain? It's eternal.
Co-creating a soul? Watching the older ones with the younger ones? Seeing the fruit of your labor when your children grow up and thank you for "depriving" them of almost everything they ask for.... I have a few who have verbally spoken about how seeing kids who 'have it all' aren't the most enjoyable people to be around....that's huge for a mom who sometimes cries herself to sleep because her child has screamed at her and said I was ruining their life by not getting them a phone or a _______.....fill in latest greatest fad..... (and insert UBER eye roll....)
| Is this still ok??? Asking for a friend.... |
How do I do it? I don't. I don't do it very well at all. I hope I've explained myself ok. I'm not really mad at people who express that. I said I was annoyed or bothered by it, but I guess I'm more frustrated because God is never going to give anyone anything more than what they have. My girlfriend doesn't have the energy or capacity to take care of 8 kids because, wait for it....
SHE DOESN'T HAVE EIGHT KIDS...........
We only have the capacity to care for what we have! My heart isn't any larger than my neighbor with two kids. It's just got to figure out how to multiply the love a little farther than my neighbor...It's not anymore complicated. You build as you grow....and grow as you build....
So next time you see a really large family and the mom looks uber tired and probably has a fake smile lest you think anything less of her than you may have already accidentally thought, give her a big smile and a nod and tell her she's doing a great job. In fact, tell all the moms you see with the fake smiles on trying to keep their heads above water because they might just pop if one more note comes home from school asking for another check or another order, or the dentist found a cavity in two kids, or the husband is on a year long tour in Iraq or another country and she's feeling very inadequate as a mother, they are doing a GREAT JOB. Don't look and think, "how does she do it...." Stop and say a prayer that God is helping her do it. Because we all need Jesus. And He's waiting patiently for each one of us to invite Him in and get to know Him better. He loves us. He loves YOU. He loves you so much He will wait. He won't push. He will just stand beside you until you open the door.....
Invite Him in.
