Day 33.
No. I promise. I won't blog every other day during this interesting time in my life. If I do wind up really being pregnant, wouldn't that be something to the tune of about 140 blog posts and I'm pretty sure that 1) I don't have the desire to type that much, or 2) I think I would start seeing squirrels when I tried typing that much, or 3) someone in this house would risk being neglected....namely, my husband. :)
So, temp was 98.9 again today. Felt nauseous. Had some cramping. Decided to have an internal panic attack when said cramps started because I was at Wegmans and the thought of hemorrhaging at Wegmans isn't exactly on my top 10 things to do before I leave New York....
Let me explain my paranoia. I'll call it what it is. Anxiety induced paranoia. I'm no doctor, but I did, I swear to you, stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.
During the course of my awesome hubs and I trying for baby #6 (who is actually #10-four are in Heaven). We experienced an extremely painful period of our lives. Our first miscarriage had occurred after our 3rd little peanut turned 1. John Matthew. That was difficult. We had actually seen him at 6 weeks with a heart beat and moving around, just an amazing view of such a tiny little peanut of life. Three weeks later, I went in and had another ultrasound, and he had no heartbeat and wasn't much bigger than he was 3 weeks prior, indicating he didn't live much longer after we saw him. It was hard, but we managed.
After our 5th was born, we relocated to New York and the urge to try again was overwhelming. During the next three years, I would experience 3 more miscarriages. It was horrible. The last miscarriage was probably the biggest nightmare I could ever dream of happening. I had begun to miscarry at home, wound up hemorrhaging at home and passing out on the toilet the next morning. My husband rushed me to the hospital where they determined I still had part of the pregnancy still attached to the lining still producing quite a bit of blood. (I said earlier I was an anomaly). We decided to do an emergency D&C. It was once again, the most traumatic experience of my life. I didn't know what was worse, panicking every time a blood clot passed, wondering if I had "saved" my baby to bury, or lying on that bed anticipating the pregnancy truly being over after that surgery. I was a hot mess for many months.
A year later, we were blessed with our little Kiki. It was amazing. But during the pregnancy, it never failed that every single time I went to the bathroom, I anticipated blood. I couldn't stop myself. Literally. I would hold my breathe, wipe, and release my breathe.
Well, guess what I do now?
I immediately expect blood. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism that prevents me from just waiting and enjoying the time without my period (I've tried to convince my hubs this COULD be menopause). But panic sets in and breathe is held and then when no blood appears, breathe is exhaled.
A lack of faith? I suppose you could say that. I don't ever feel I completely trust my Father. It's something I struggle with daily. But I know my Father is only interested in the fact that I am trying. He knows how hard it is to be in this situation. I have no doubt, He cried tears with me during that difficult time. He loves life. He would never purposely snuff the life out of me. He is not a puppet master either. Yes, I do believe He can make miracles, but He also uses those things we can not explain, to help us grow deeper in our faith. I do believe I grew in my faith during that ordeal. I am more aware than ever just how fragile life is.
Anyway- see how I saw a squirrel? I was at Wegmans and the cramps were actually very mild, and I'm positive that some cramps when pregnant for the 11th time (that just sounds unreal) brings a bit of cramping to a uterus that has been "slightly' used. I'm trying to find the joy in everything. I'm trying to see the joy, that once again, God has blessed us with a potential life. A week from today I will know for certain. No I will not take a pregnancy test, I will just rely on my trusty thermometer and if my temp stays elevated, I can probably with certainty say I am and I will call the OB and see what they say. I am definitely in that, "geriatric" pregnancy age. You know the one. People gasp because at 40, 1 in 100 births are born with Down Syndrome, and age 45 1 in 30. Not to mention, the fact that most doctors will read you a plethora of other deformities, abnormalities, and maternal issues that will "likely" occur because I am so old.
Fortunately, my doctor is an NFP doctor. He might try to reassure me, and chuckle at my paranoia, but he knows how rock solid we believe all life is, and won't even offer a suggestion of what "could be" so we can "take care of" our little peanut.
So today, and this weekend, and until next Thursday, I am going to focus on finding the joy... in everything. The good and the bad.
Finding the joy.....
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
What is there to Lose?
I am at day 31. Temp is a soaring 98.9. For those of you not familiar with how the sympto-thermal method works, the amazing body God created, works so scientifically it's almost borderline ridiculous for those who doubt. (Please don't take my math error into fact that NFP doesn't work-because it does- clearly-mathematical errors on the part of humans is what causes problems-not NFP itself) As the luteal phase winds down, the progesterone (if not with child) begins to sloff (yes, my word) off and as it does, your BBT (basal body temperature) begins to drop. Sometimes significantly, but definitely noticeably. As your temp (or BBT) drops, you can almost predict the day you will start- sometimes, as my temp drops, I begin to spot-which I do not count as the first day of my period- because it's just the temp dropping and the progesterone dropping-by now- my temp should be significantly lower. No where near what it is....
So day 31. 98.9. I'm almost 95% certain I am with child now. My heart gets this terribly sick, yet somewhat excited feeling now. Mostly over the dumb things I did prior to finding out with 95% certainty. The dental xray, the two amusement parks, the wine I consumed (which was only a glass each night for a few nights), and the overall irritation that I am an idiot when it comes to being a "believer."
I'll explain after I write how Day 31 reminds me of Proverbs 31.
So day 31. 98.9. I'm almost 95% certain I am with child now. My heart gets this terribly sick, yet somewhat excited feeling now. Mostly over the dumb things I did prior to finding out with 95% certainty. The dental xray, the two amusement parks, the wine I consumed (which was only a glass each night for a few nights), and the overall irritation that I am an idiot when it comes to being a "believer."
I'll explain after I write how Day 31 reminds me of Proverbs 31.
10Who can find* a woman of worth?a Far beyond jewels is her value. 11 Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. 12 She brings him profit, not loss,*all the days of her life. 13 She seeks out wool and flax and weaves with skillful hands. 14 Like a merchant fleet, she secures her provisions from afar. 15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household, a portion to her maidservants. 16 She picks out a field and acquires it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength; she exerts her arms with vigor.* 18 She enjoys the profit from her dealings; her lamp is never extinguished at night.* 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.* 20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. 21 She is not concerned for her household when it snows— all her charges are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing. 23 Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.* 24 She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come.* 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom; kindly instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over* the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband, too, praises her: 29 “Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.* 31 Acclaim her for the work of her hands,
and let her deeds praise her at the city gates.
OK. Today I clearly needed to read this verse for multiple reasons. One being that, God finds the job of "wifery" (hahaha-I made that up) an important one enough to have someone be inspired to write about it. He also finds the job as wife to be of sacrifice and important. The whole part of verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem. (I love poetry) I found this on the USCCB website about the poem:
An acrostic poem of twenty-two lines; each line begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. As with many other acrostic poems in the Bible, the unity of the poem is largely extrinsic, coming not from the narrative logic but from the familiar sequence of letters. The topic is the ideal woman described through her activity as a wife. Some have suggested that the traditional hymn extolling the great deeds of a warrior has been transposed to extol a heroic wife; the focus is on her exploits. She runs a household distinguished by abundant food and clothing for all within, by its trade (import of raw materials and export of finished products), and by the renown of its head, her husband, in the community. At v. 28, the voice is no longer that of the narrator but of her children and husband as they praise her. The purpose of the poem has been interpreted variously: an encomium to offset the sometimes negative portrayal of women in the book, or, more symbolically (and more likely), a portrait of a household ruled by Woman Wisdom and a disciple of Woman Wisdom, i.e., he now has a worthy wife and children, a great household, renown in the community.
Verse 18 struck me poignantly- 'her lamp is undimmed.' Which indicates her (the wife) abundance of productive work and it's accompanying prosperity. Sometimes as moms we have the tendency to believe our "work" is unproductive. Especially in comparison to those moms who work outside the home. I find, at least, that some days, I look around and see that I barely managed to keep the ship afloat. Sure, kids were fed, laundry was done, but there's sticky syrup on the floor, dust all over the furniture, and a trail of shoes from the garage door to the stairs. I see this as a failure in "keeping my home" instead of seeing it as another step in the productivity of raising my children.
Another favorite part is verse 17. 'She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.' Girt is a form of gird which means (one meaning) to prepare, to encircle, to provide= preparing for war, etc. In a sense, are we as moms constantly girding ourselves as we prepare for the next "disaster" at home, school, etc? Or even more, to survive in this culture of waste and disposal, aren't we constantly strengthening ourselves against the evil that our children are constantly tempted with? Our sturdy arms, holding our children, shielding them from the attack of evil and darkness, preventing the seeping darkness of our culture of death to harm or influence our children?
Another fav is verse 25. 'She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.'
I'm having a lot of trouble laughing at the days to come. This would be anxiety free attitude that now that I face the possibility of bringing another child into this world, is gone. I would LOVE to have no anxiety. God calls us to be anxious free daily. Doesn't He provide for the birds? Won't He take care of me and my family? Of course, it's not that. My anxiety and worry come from selfish pride that I all too often forget to check at the door of my prayers with my Father. I often just cry and say, "Why can't I be stronger?"
I do feel strong and I do try to stand with dignity. I am well aware of my many, many, MANY faults. I can probably guess my amazing husband would want me to throw another MANY in there, too. :)
But one of my serious issues is pride. Pride and selfishness. (but Catholicmomma- you have SIX children-how can you be selfish?) I've blogged about that before. My selfishness comes in many forms. (my husband would like to call them personalities, but for the sake of not sounding cray-zay-we'll call them forms.....)
Remember the ugly green monster blog I wrote? (cause I know y'all hang on my every word...)
Well, that ugly green monster is my pride. When I worry more about what others think of me, or what they say about me, or what they don't say to me- that's my pride. When I worry more about "fitting in" than standing out and being "a fool for Christ" that's my pride. When I worry more about how we'll be able to 'afford' all these kids, that's my pride. All of that interferes with my faith. All of that, shows others, that I might be a Christian, but it's in name only. I love Jesus- but when I worry and let my pride and selfishness shine through, I'm telling Him, I don't trust Him. I trust ME and ME has let me down....
Remember, last week- I wrote about how much I loved my faith that I was willing to be a FOOL for Christ? Well, just like the Christians before us, Peter denying Jesus, Thomas doubting Jesus, some people just completely turning away from Jesus when He said they had to actually physically EAT His flesh and DRINK His blood, I fall. Daily. Sometimes hourly. I hate it when I fall. I feel like such a failure when I do, but I know I have Jesus who came to save me. Save me from this terrible wretched life- so I could one day, be with Him in Heaven- and I will be judged- oh I'll be judged alrite. I truly believe that I will stand before my Savior, and He will ask me all about all the things I DID for Him AND all the things I DIDN'T do for Him.
Like now-
How am I standing up and proclaiming boldly, that Jesus Christ is in charge of my life, the life of my husband and the life of my children and we trust He will provide??
There very well could be a life growing inside of me. A human life. A living being. Right now, this is what potentially is happening to that living being: At four weeks pregnant, no less:
How your baby's growing:
This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until 10 weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.
Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.
The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.
Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby's red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.
Believe what you will about life. Believe it doesn't begin until birth, (which is just ridiculous if you've ever been around me and my extremely active, kicking babies in utero). Believe it's not human (which if it isn't, what the heck is it? Extraterrestrial???) But the fact that something is growing and changing at a constant rate, tells me this- it's A-L-I-V-E.
Period.
Be bold. Be a fool for Christ.
What is there to lose?
Thursday, May 22, 2014
I believe, Help my Unbelief....
I am notorious for being a cheerleader to my friends, family, and my children, shoot, even to complete strangers.... You name it. I see someone down and I immediately slip into my, "You can do this," mode. I am like that when friends are down about something, or my children have gotten hurt, or my husband is trying to decide on where to move us when we retire.... (ok, my WNY peepers- you've got us for awhile...)
But when it comes to myself? I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I suddenly go from "happy cheerleader, all is good, we can do this" to "whoa is me..." Most of the time, I deal with what ails me and move on. I am a continuous work in progress when it comes to trusting God and what He has in store for us and understanding consequences. There are consequences to every action. (Isn't this something we try to teach our children from day 1???)
So with that being said, I'm once again opening myself up to some serious raw exposure and risking some probably less than kind responses, but, I'm gonna "cheer" myself right out of this...
My husband and I are totally, completely, 100% open to life.
Translate: My husband and I do not use any form of artificial birth control, medication, products, etc, etc.
We do NFP (natural family planning) but even doing that, I'm not the most religious taker of my temp or charter of my charts. Which is why, at day 26, my temp is elevated to an amazingly high temperature and according to past charts, I should have started today. Now, I can always start on day 31, which is why I will not post this blog until then, or maybe until day 103 (random)because sometimes, my body is also an anomaly. Meaning, it needs an instruction manual according to my husband....
Of course, yesterday and today I have felt horrible, which, thankfully because of PMS, peri-menopause and a husband who has been out of town all week, this could indicate pregnancy, but it may not. I have researched my due date already, and have slowly begun to accept that fact that I may have misread my chart/cycle.
Now, let's go back three days ago when I first realized we may have been together during my fertile time....
I began to cry. Quite hysterically I might add. I had just received notice that we qualified for very little financial aid for the school I really wanted to send my oldest daughter, and was hormonal over my husband being gone. We have had an after school activity EVERY NIGHT SINCE HE LEFT.... I haven't exercised since Sunday so I'm feeling sluggish, but here is this chart looking seriously like a pregnancy and I hit panic mode.
The first words out of my mouth were, (selfishly so) "Oh God, why did I do this?" As though my love of my husband caused a great horrible scandal!! I felt terrible for feeling this way. I was angry and hated NFP, I wanted to move away because if the neighbors talk now, just IMAGINE what they'll say if they find out WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!!
And probably the worst thought in my head was, "What if there is something wrong with this baby?" I had this feeling of dread that we already played with fire having two babies after I turned 35 (one 4 days before I turned 40) And now this one would be due the month before I turned 42? Aren't I taking an unnecessary gamble with the life of a child?
You can probably see now what my husband deals with on a daily basis when I'm not freaking myself out over a "potential" pregnancy... Yes, feel sorry for him....He has his hands full...
I immediately felt terribly remorseful and cried even more to God saying I was sorry and how horrible He must think I am for even thinking such incredibly shallow thoughts. I also was determined not to let it occupy one more thought in my head at all...at least not until I took a pregnancy test, which I won't take until next week, because by then, I'll know something is up...
But when I spoke with my husband on the phone yesterday and revealed to him my concerns and let him know I was so sorry I was such a terrible miscalculator of math, he laughed and said, "Amy, one word comes to my mind. Twins. "
Well, once I almost threw up in my mouth and choked out a "hush it" I laughed and realized that God had made us the most amazing couple on earth. (yes, I am only comparing us to us...) My fears that he would be so upset were washed away. If I think I'M old, he's going to be 45 this year, and always worries about people telling our little Kiki at her high school graduation that her grandfather in the wheelchair is a sweetie -AKA my husbster.... He laughed and said he had a feeling I was fertile because he understands how the pill has almost completely ruined my sex drive and the only time I ever feel even the slightest bit frisky is when I'm absolutely fertile- well, here is where I screwed up- I didn't think I was feeling "frisky" I just thought it was a nice gesture as a wife..... haahahahaha. I know, TMI, TMI, but keeping it real folks....
In all seriousness, I talk the talk all the time. I tell people that every single one of our pregnancies were planned to the day, except the one I miscarried all the way back in 2004. My cycle is clockwork and as I've aged, my cycle has gotten weaker and weaker and I can tell I'm entering pre-menopause just with my charts- I even sat on a panel at my MOMs group and touted how amazing NFP is and how it causes you and your spouse to communicate and it's beautiful, HEALTHY, all-natural, etc, etc....
But as soon as I saw those high temps, I wanted to abandon ship.
I wanted to find that "easy" button and push it and shout to the world that I had had enough.
I was tired of "doing the right thing" because I know a million people who pop a pill, get a shot, use some kind of prophylactic and THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!! They certainly don't believe they're doing anything wrong!
But then it hit me. I know what my faith teaches. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ. I'm going to repeat that, because it's worthy of being repeated. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ.
Does that mean when the going gets tough, I get going? I jump ship? I get back on the bandwagon I was on so many years prior? All because I want something easy? I want to be in control? I don't want to be pregnant? I don't want to lose sleep? I don't want to be frugal with my finances? I don't want to be embarrassed to admit how many kids I have? I don't want to be overly burdened?
Reread that paragraph. Go ahead. I'll wait. 10 sentences. 10 words that stand out immediately. 10 things that made me stop in my tracks and realize something.
It's not about me.
Suddenly all the conversations I had with the priest at my parish all made sense. He would always tell me, "Amy, it's not about you."
I would sit there and try to think as deeply as him, but it was lost on me. Because I couldn't see past the hair on my nose (or in my nose I suppose, but I'm trying to type a serious blog today).
Sitting there, looking at my crazy chart, feeling sorry for myself, and having that "litany" of "I don'ts......." made me suddenly realize it's not about me.
I'm.not.in.charge.
And if I want to truly live that way, that includes, not being in charge (so to speak) of EVERYTHING, including my willingness to participate in the creation of new souls.
So whether or not I start my period next Tuesday (because that will be day 31 and I ALWAYS start by then) doesn't matter. What matters is, what does God want from me? Does He want me to see this as a burden? Does He want me to be in control and what exactly am I "in control" of? Does He want me to be more fiscally responsible with our money? Does He want me to be proud of beautiful children my husband and I have created with Him when people ask? Does He think I'm really "overly burdened?"
If I really trust Him, shouldn't I let this be a lesson to me? Not a "haha, you're in trouble" lesson. But a lesson in 'do as I say, AND as I do?'
I can't be a true disciple of my faith if I only say the words and don't actually follow them. I can't claim to be a true follower of Christ, if I'm not also willing to take up my cross as well. I am in awe once again of God's amazing grace. How He opened my eyes to this right before I fell into that trap of depression, anxiety, and worry.
He is in control. No life is found unworthy in His eyes. He loves us all and He will provide if we truly trust. Will He shower me with a solid 9 hours of sleep I've so desperately been seeking for over 14 years? Probably not, but my husband used to say something that really annoyed me when he would work over night and several days in a row without rest- "honey, I'll sleep when I'm dead." Not the most pleasant thought, but his words make sense. I'll sleep eventually, but holding onto the teaching moments that God gives me, is totally worth the sleeplessness. I will trust.
I will trust.
I will trust.
I will surrender to your Will, Lord. Help me surrender. I believe, Help my unbelief.
But when it comes to myself? I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I suddenly go from "happy cheerleader, all is good, we can do this" to "whoa is me..." Most of the time, I deal with what ails me and move on. I am a continuous work in progress when it comes to trusting God and what He has in store for us and understanding consequences. There are consequences to every action. (Isn't this something we try to teach our children from day 1???)
So with that being said, I'm once again opening myself up to some serious raw exposure and risking some probably less than kind responses, but, I'm gonna "cheer" myself right out of this...
My husband and I are totally, completely, 100% open to life.
Translate: My husband and I do not use any form of artificial birth control, medication, products, etc, etc.
We do NFP (natural family planning) but even doing that, I'm not the most religious taker of my temp or charter of my charts. Which is why, at day 26, my temp is elevated to an amazingly high temperature and according to past charts, I should have started today. Now, I can always start on day 31, which is why I will not post this blog until then, or maybe until day 103 (random)because sometimes, my body is also an anomaly. Meaning, it needs an instruction manual according to my husband....
Of course, yesterday and today I have felt horrible, which, thankfully because of PMS, peri-menopause and a husband who has been out of town all week, this could indicate pregnancy, but it may not. I have researched my due date already, and have slowly begun to accept that fact that I may have misread my chart/cycle.
Now, let's go back three days ago when I first realized we may have been together during my fertile time....
I began to cry. Quite hysterically I might add. I had just received notice that we qualified for very little financial aid for the school I really wanted to send my oldest daughter, and was hormonal over my husband being gone. We have had an after school activity EVERY NIGHT SINCE HE LEFT.... I haven't exercised since Sunday so I'm feeling sluggish, but here is this chart looking seriously like a pregnancy and I hit panic mode.
The first words out of my mouth were, (selfishly so) "Oh God, why did I do this?" As though my love of my husband caused a great horrible scandal!! I felt terrible for feeling this way. I was angry and hated NFP, I wanted to move away because if the neighbors talk now, just IMAGINE what they'll say if they find out WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!!
And probably the worst thought in my head was, "What if there is something wrong with this baby?" I had this feeling of dread that we already played with fire having two babies after I turned 35 (one 4 days before I turned 40) And now this one would be due the month before I turned 42? Aren't I taking an unnecessary gamble with the life of a child?
You can probably see now what my husband deals with on a daily basis when I'm not freaking myself out over a "potential" pregnancy... Yes, feel sorry for him....He has his hands full...
I immediately felt terribly remorseful and cried even more to God saying I was sorry and how horrible He must think I am for even thinking such incredibly shallow thoughts. I also was determined not to let it occupy one more thought in my head at all...at least not until I took a pregnancy test, which I won't take until next week, because by then, I'll know something is up...
But when I spoke with my husband on the phone yesterday and revealed to him my concerns and let him know I was so sorry I was such a terrible miscalculator of math, he laughed and said, "Amy, one word comes to my mind. Twins. "
Well, once I almost threw up in my mouth and choked out a "hush it" I laughed and realized that God had made us the most amazing couple on earth. (yes, I am only comparing us to us...) My fears that he would be so upset were washed away. If I think I'M old, he's going to be 45 this year, and always worries about people telling our little Kiki at her high school graduation that her grandfather in the wheelchair is a sweetie -AKA my husbster.... He laughed and said he had a feeling I was fertile because he understands how the pill has almost completely ruined my sex drive and the only time I ever feel even the slightest bit frisky is when I'm absolutely fertile- well, here is where I screwed up- I didn't think I was feeling "frisky" I just thought it was a nice gesture as a wife..... haahahahaha. I know, TMI, TMI, but keeping it real folks....
In all seriousness, I talk the talk all the time. I tell people that every single one of our pregnancies were planned to the day, except the one I miscarried all the way back in 2004. My cycle is clockwork and as I've aged, my cycle has gotten weaker and weaker and I can tell I'm entering pre-menopause just with my charts- I even sat on a panel at my MOMs group and touted how amazing NFP is and how it causes you and your spouse to communicate and it's beautiful, HEALTHY, all-natural, etc, etc....
But as soon as I saw those high temps, I wanted to abandon ship.
I wanted to find that "easy" button and push it and shout to the world that I had had enough.
I was tired of "doing the right thing" because I know a million people who pop a pill, get a shot, use some kind of prophylactic and THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!! They certainly don't believe they're doing anything wrong!
But then it hit me. I know what my faith teaches. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ. I'm going to repeat that, because it's worthy of being repeated. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ.
Does that mean when the going gets tough, I get going? I jump ship? I get back on the bandwagon I was on so many years prior? All because I want something easy? I want to be in control? I don't want to be pregnant? I don't want to lose sleep? I don't want to be frugal with my finances? I don't want to be embarrassed to admit how many kids I have? I don't want to be overly burdened?
Reread that paragraph. Go ahead. I'll wait. 10 sentences. 10 words that stand out immediately. 10 things that made me stop in my tracks and realize something.
It's not about me.
Suddenly all the conversations I had with the priest at my parish all made sense. He would always tell me, "Amy, it's not about you."
I would sit there and try to think as deeply as him, but it was lost on me. Because I couldn't see past the hair on my nose (or in my nose I suppose, but I'm trying to type a serious blog today).
Sitting there, looking at my crazy chart, feeling sorry for myself, and having that "litany" of "I don'ts......." made me suddenly realize it's not about me.
I'm.not.in.charge.
And if I want to truly live that way, that includes, not being in charge (so to speak) of EVERYTHING, including my willingness to participate in the creation of new souls.
So whether or not I start my period next Tuesday (because that will be day 31 and I ALWAYS start by then) doesn't matter. What matters is, what does God want from me? Does He want me to see this as a burden? Does He want me to be in control and what exactly am I "in control" of? Does He want me to be more fiscally responsible with our money? Does He want me to be proud of beautiful children my husband and I have created with Him when people ask? Does He think I'm really "overly burdened?"
If I really trust Him, shouldn't I let this be a lesson to me? Not a "haha, you're in trouble" lesson. But a lesson in 'do as I say, AND as I do?'
I can't be a true disciple of my faith if I only say the words and don't actually follow them. I can't claim to be a true follower of Christ, if I'm not also willing to take up my cross as well. I am in awe once again of God's amazing grace. How He opened my eyes to this right before I fell into that trap of depression, anxiety, and worry.
He is in control. No life is found unworthy in His eyes. He loves us all and He will provide if we truly trust. Will He shower me with a solid 9 hours of sleep I've so desperately been seeking for over 14 years? Probably not, but my husband used to say something that really annoyed me when he would work over night and several days in a row without rest- "honey, I'll sleep when I'm dead." Not the most pleasant thought, but his words make sense. I'll sleep eventually, but holding onto the teaching moments that God gives me, is totally worth the sleeplessness. I will trust.
I will trust.
I will trust.
I will surrender to your Will, Lord. Help me surrender. I believe, Help my unbelief.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
May Already????
I really have no idea where the time goes. March was really my last blog and there have been so many amazing, sad, incredible, boring, things that have happened to me, my family, the world, I just won't even bother to bore you with the updates.... ;)
The fact that it's already May 20th means many things. For one, there is one month of school left. Which also means, one month of homeschooling left. Alleluia! Now I'm not being sarcastic, or super duper excited, I'm just thrilled we've almost made through this half a year and we're both still alive!!! Ok, not that one of us wouldn't be alive, but of all my kiddos- this child that I home school, is the one MOST like me, and with all the bad of me shoved in one little being.... so that sometimes makes for some emotional class time....in more ways than one!! She's doing super and just the other day, her dad says to me, "I don't know how you've done it, but I've seen such an amazing change in her...." I can't take all the credit- I simply removed her from a bad situation, helped her to build up her confidence and encouraged her to be who God made her to be. Most of the time, children just need love, affirmation, and hugs and their wings spread without all that goofy school stuff jumbling it up.... :) Not that we've given up learning, mind you....
So on the home front, we literally have one month to go before, for the most part, schedules are thrown out the window. Praise the Lord! I am still praying about my oldest daughter. She is 14 and will be starting High school this fall and has been accepted at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo, which is really, really, really cool, but also really, really, really expensive for us ole southern folk with too many kiddos living in a really 'spensive state to budget realistically. I've been praying for that miracle that great Aunt JuJu Bug (yes, I'm aware that's from Skippy Jon Jones) will pass and leave us her small fortune left in her mattress, but until then, I'm praying like a mad woman.... I know she'll do fine wherever she attends, but my hearts desire is to see her happy with school once again. It's been a rough year for this sweet girl...And no need to remind or name names, but girls at this age, sometimes, just plain suck..... (I suppose boys can be too, but right now, girls are just.plain.mean....)
So.....if that old relative doesn't pass, or forgets to leave us her fortune, I am considering home schooling her as well. It's a daunting task, but she keeps asking. How can I refuse? She's such a sweet, good, girl and works so hard in all she does-I feel I have to give it a try!
The smallest peanut of the bunch turns 15 months next week and it just makes me so terribly sad and happy all the same when I see how big she is getting. She's doing so much and learning so much. She is a crazy picky eater, one day eating her weight in spaghetti and sauce and the next acting as though it's contaminated with kryptonite.... She's absolutely hysterical and makes us all laugh....the kids adore her and some treat her like their rag doll....needless to say, her arms are still in socket for now....
The only boy in the bunch has been doing marching band for the middle school and since you can't walk with a french horn, he plays the malaphone. It's actually like a gigantic swollen trumpet. Very cool. If I was technically talented, I would post a video of him practicing his march while playing, but since I'm seriously technically challenged, you'll have to pretend in your mind....
He's memorized all his pieces and sounds very cool. I'm very impressed with him.
The 8 year old had her end of the year piano recital last night. I get so darn emotional at those things. I want all my kids to play the piano and so far, not a single one of them has decided to stick with it- which is fine, all I ask for is two years of lessons, learning how to read music, and they've all decided to stick with their band instruments. Our house is quite the concert series at times. A flute, french horn, (now malaphone), clarinet, and piano. Wondering what the 8 year old will get for band next year. She would like drums.... hmmmm... not sure about that one....
The 5 year old is about to finish up Kindergarten. Talk about growing up. She's lost a ton of teeth and is getting so tall that she's losing that sweet baby face. Thankfully she wanted her hair cut short, so that kept her sweet baby face a while longer.... :)
I've read some really good books lately, too. 'Saint John Paul the Great' is phenomenal. I would recommend this book to anyone, Catholic or not, just to get a fresh reminder of what life was like when Germany was invading so many countries, including Poland, the death and destruction they inflicted.
I am currently reading a book by Scott Hahn titled, "Evangelizing Catholics." It's also a fantastic read. For those who know Scott Hahn writings, you know his writings can be a tad over me head- he's just theologically brilliant and knows scripture forwards, backwards, and sideways. This book, though, much like Rome Sweet Home, is an easy, understandable read. I have learned so much and made mental notes and physical notes all over the book! He's so spot on that in order for our faith to continue we must teach it to our children. He notes that parents are the FIRST AND FOREMOST catechists! I can't tell you how many times in all the years I've been married how many people have relied on religion classes, or Catholic schools to be their children's teacher. I even had a parent tell me, "I really don't know anything, so I know you'll teach them what they need to know..." I wish I had this book when they had said that!!! So many people decide because they "don't know" something, that they either don't try, or take a very standoffish attitude. I am very interested in learning how to re-evangelize parents (some evangelize for the first time!!) in regards to the sacraments because it breaks my heart in a million pieces when I see First Communion at my church (and really, at most churches these days). I am praying about a way to fit my love of the Eucharist into something that we can use for not only the children, but for parents as well.
Some how, we've got to make a head to heart connection....somehow. :)
Hopefully it won't be two more months before I blog again.... :)
The fact that it's already May 20th means many things. For one, there is one month of school left. Which also means, one month of homeschooling left. Alleluia! Now I'm not being sarcastic, or super duper excited, I'm just thrilled we've almost made through this half a year and we're both still alive!!! Ok, not that one of us wouldn't be alive, but of all my kiddos- this child that I home school, is the one MOST like me, and with all the bad of me shoved in one little being.... so that sometimes makes for some emotional class time....in more ways than one!! She's doing super and just the other day, her dad says to me, "I don't know how you've done it, but I've seen such an amazing change in her...." I can't take all the credit- I simply removed her from a bad situation, helped her to build up her confidence and encouraged her to be who God made her to be. Most of the time, children just need love, affirmation, and hugs and their wings spread without all that goofy school stuff jumbling it up.... :) Not that we've given up learning, mind you....
So on the home front, we literally have one month to go before, for the most part, schedules are thrown out the window. Praise the Lord! I am still praying about my oldest daughter. She is 14 and will be starting High school this fall and has been accepted at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo, which is really, really, really cool, but also really, really, really expensive for us ole southern folk with too many kiddos living in a really 'spensive state to budget realistically. I've been praying for that miracle that great Aunt JuJu Bug (yes, I'm aware that's from Skippy Jon Jones) will pass and leave us her small fortune left in her mattress, but until then, I'm praying like a mad woman.... I know she'll do fine wherever she attends, but my hearts desire is to see her happy with school once again. It's been a rough year for this sweet girl...And no need to remind or name names, but girls at this age, sometimes, just plain suck..... (I suppose boys can be too, but right now, girls are just.plain.mean....)
So.....if that old relative doesn't pass, or forgets to leave us her fortune, I am considering home schooling her as well. It's a daunting task, but she keeps asking. How can I refuse? She's such a sweet, good, girl and works so hard in all she does-I feel I have to give it a try!
The smallest peanut of the bunch turns 15 months next week and it just makes me so terribly sad and happy all the same when I see how big she is getting. She's doing so much and learning so much. She is a crazy picky eater, one day eating her weight in spaghetti and sauce and the next acting as though it's contaminated with kryptonite.... She's absolutely hysterical and makes us all laugh....the kids adore her and some treat her like their rag doll....needless to say, her arms are still in socket for now....
The only boy in the bunch has been doing marching band for the middle school and since you can't walk with a french horn, he plays the malaphone. It's actually like a gigantic swollen trumpet. Very cool. If I was technically talented, I would post a video of him practicing his march while playing, but since I'm seriously technically challenged, you'll have to pretend in your mind....
He's memorized all his pieces and sounds very cool. I'm very impressed with him.
The 8 year old had her end of the year piano recital last night. I get so darn emotional at those things. I want all my kids to play the piano and so far, not a single one of them has decided to stick with it- which is fine, all I ask for is two years of lessons, learning how to read music, and they've all decided to stick with their band instruments. Our house is quite the concert series at times. A flute, french horn, (now malaphone), clarinet, and piano. Wondering what the 8 year old will get for band next year. She would like drums.... hmmmm... not sure about that one....
The 5 year old is about to finish up Kindergarten. Talk about growing up. She's lost a ton of teeth and is getting so tall that she's losing that sweet baby face. Thankfully she wanted her hair cut short, so that kept her sweet baby face a while longer.... :)
I've read some really good books lately, too. 'Saint John Paul the Great' is phenomenal. I would recommend this book to anyone, Catholic or not, just to get a fresh reminder of what life was like when Germany was invading so many countries, including Poland, the death and destruction they inflicted.
I am currently reading a book by Scott Hahn titled, "Evangelizing Catholics." It's also a fantastic read. For those who know Scott Hahn writings, you know his writings can be a tad over me head- he's just theologically brilliant and knows scripture forwards, backwards, and sideways. This book, though, much like Rome Sweet Home, is an easy, understandable read. I have learned so much and made mental notes and physical notes all over the book! He's so spot on that in order for our faith to continue we must teach it to our children. He notes that parents are the FIRST AND FOREMOST catechists! I can't tell you how many times in all the years I've been married how many people have relied on religion classes, or Catholic schools to be their children's teacher. I even had a parent tell me, "I really don't know anything, so I know you'll teach them what they need to know..." I wish I had this book when they had said that!!! So many people decide because they "don't know" something, that they either don't try, or take a very standoffish attitude. I am very interested in learning how to re-evangelize parents (some evangelize for the first time!!) in regards to the sacraments because it breaks my heart in a million pieces when I see First Communion at my church (and really, at most churches these days). I am praying about a way to fit my love of the Eucharist into something that we can use for not only the children, but for parents as well.
Some how, we've got to make a head to heart connection....somehow. :)
Hopefully it won't be two more months before I blog again.... :)
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