Saturday, July 15, 2017

When it becomes too much.........


   





I have five weeks left with this pregnancy.  This pregnancy that will produce my 8th living child (God willing) and also God willing,not be the shocking, please don't let me die baby Jesus, birth experience I had 2 1/2 years ago!  I had a great delivery with baby #7, but a few hours later, found myself going through something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!  There are some things, just not worth reliving- that is numero uno on my list.  Bleeding to death.
So to say I've been struggling with anxiety is probably the understatement of the year.  Decade. Heck, Century....
I'm gonna be brutally honest- I have probably been the numero uno WORST patient for my OBGYN...between the last four babies having some kind of CRAZY bleeding during the first/second trimester, to my near death experience after baby #7, I am almost 99.999999% certain, there are little red dots or stars, or actual skull and cross bones on my chart.....


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Pink, because, well, it's cute.


This might be extreme, but let's face it.  We all have things we struggle with.  As women, moms, daughters, sisters, aunts, cousins, neighbors, classmates, friends, you name it.  We women struggle with things that God probably doesn't want us struggling with at all.  I have shared about my struggles before.  My insecurities.  My inability to stop worrying about what others think....
I am the one who wouldn't walk in to pick up one of my kids when my belly started to expand because I didn't want certain people to see I was expecting again........
How horrible is that?  Am I not even proud of the fact that I am indeed pregnant with another blessing, another soul for Heaven?  Am I that insecure with my own life that I don't want to hear the exasperated GASP of, 'what is THIS?'  Another baby?????  I mean, I get it.  Today's world does not shy away from posting/writing/tweeting/instagramblabblering/spewing it's own opinion of how stupid people are for even considering children, let alone LOTS OF THEM......
Take this for instance.....true story......


Who writes stuff like this, and better yet?  Who lets their friend actually speak like this in public?

I have several friends who are either pretty close to 11 children, or far surpass them.  Heck, I actually have 12 babies if we want to be technical, and I will rejoice when I get to meet my four who have died in utero before I ever got to 'meet' them.  So I get it.  Society, social media, people everywhere, are just spewing their opinions everywhere.  And sadly, many of us, are reading what they're spewing and taking it personally.  Which is WRONG.....

We struggle with maintaining sanity in a world that wants to remind us if we don't have Martha Stewart's house designs, home made organic meals/snacks/food for our kids/husbands/family, we are horrible.  If we don't do breast feed, use cloth diapers, vaccinate/not vaccinate, make our own baby food, clean with cleaning supplies made from the grass in our backyard, we are failures.  I could go on....

There seems to be a new movement I've noticed on the Instagram account I run for our Catholic Women's conference that is women showing all the books they're reading, rooms they're 'redoing,' meal planning they're engaging in, all these amazing things we can be doing and I have to admit, it makes me get the willies. Some days, if I let it, I can let myself get sucked into this, clicking from account to account following these amazing people, all the while, feeling my heart rate increase, sweat bubbles pop up across my forehead, and blood pressure slowly rise.  I can completely see how we women can fall into a trap of thinking because we are NOT doing these things, we are failures, or at least, not living up to our potential.  

Social media can really be quite the unhealthy, unkind place to find ourselves sucked into.  Once, I had a woman actually unfriend me.  Not only unfriend me, but block me from every social media site she had and the funny thing was, all I remember about why she was mad at me?  I couldn't get together with her because of all my kids activities kept me planted at home and at their disposal because they didn't drive.  And do you want to know what's even crazier than this?  I actually still let it bother me all.the.time because I'm not a bad person. I want to somehow prove to this person who clearly isn't healthy for me, that I'm not.that.person......I'm nice.  I promise..... Who does that???

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I PROMISE!!!


Tell me we aren't oversensitive and looking for people to affirm us!!!!!  

With all these insecurities, and the hormonal drama in my brain (which as we know is a place we shouldn't dwell in alone....) I knew I needed to do something pretty radical and for once in a very long time, for myself. 

So I decided getting together with other women and either doing a bible study or a book study was essential.  

Imagine my surprise when not one of these, but BOTH of these opportunities landed in my lap-or what's left of my lap.  One of my partners with the Catholic Women of Buffalo Catholic Women of Buffalo, Inc., asked me if I was still interested in a bible study of some sort.  So we got in touch with our other partner in crime who works for Augustine Institute and she suggested we do the bible study, Lectio: Peter.  It was a GOD SEND!!  Truly.  We've only met twice and I've learned more about Peter and the bible and God's plan in those two meetings than I've known my whole 20 years of reversion back to the faith.  It's been exhilarating!!!  If your parish doesn't have Formed you need to get them on it.  It's the best money your parish could spend.  So much information right at our fingertips.  It's almost ridiculous.

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Some AMAZING content on this website!!!!! www.formed.org

The second opportunity was kind of crazy.  I saw that one of our speakers from our first conference was putting on a study with one of her awesome books that I had read when it first came out several years ago.  I figured a million women would put in to get into this study through Ascension Press, so I didn't really count on getting in it.  Imagine my surprise when I checked my email after a few days and there was a message from a rep from Ascension Press inviting me to participate and to let them know ASAP if I was going to in order to fill my spot should I not accept it.  Here is the link to that site where they, too, offer amazing information.  Books to order, studies to participate in, you name it.  Ascension Press
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I've ordered a ton of books from here.... :)

So now, every Wednesday in July (which is PERFECT considering I'm due mid-August) I get to "chat" on google chat with several women, including one of my true Catholic heroines, Danielle Bean!  Her book, Momnipotent, is one of my absolute favorites because as I've told her before, I feel like she has literally taken my life and put down on paper.  I laugh, I cry, I shake my head in solidarity at pretty much everything she wrote!!!  There is a journal and videos that we write in and watch before we meet on Wednesdays, and they too, have proven fruitful for me to see just how my insecurities interfere with God's perfect plan for me.  It's been a true blessing for this weary old brain of mine......

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Danielle Bean's book....a treasure...

To be honest, I really believe, that the sense of community, is something we all need.  All of us.  Not just women, but humans in general.  I think most especially women.  I am not very close literally/figuratively to my family, so getting together with them, or even sharing with them, is not something that happens often, or ever.  But finding that community, to feel a sense of belonging, is important regardless of our family dynamics.  I have some of the most amazing women in my life and sometimes I take them for granted.  I have found since getting together with them this summer, that I am feeling better.  I know it's only been twice with each group, but it has been enough to know I'm not letting it fall to the wayside again.  It's healthy to be with other people and it makes us better women for it.  Listening to someone else's perspective on current events, life, children, friends, family, bible studies, is just what we need!  It grounds us.  I find I'm a better wife to my husband after talking about things that I tend to keep bottled up because I don't want to burden him with my silly issues.  I think it gives me a great sense of how really great my own kiddos are compared to the rest of the world. It affirms us. Gives us perspective.  Lessons burdens.  Lightens loads, and most importantly?  Fills that part of our tanks that need filling. God didn't make us to be alone.  He showed us that from the beginning of creation.  First He gave us beauty all around us.  Then he gave us amazing creatures.  And lastly, He gave us each other!  

So as I said, I have five more weeks of potentially being pregnant.  Hopefully with these new adventures I'm participating in, my anxieties that at times tend to overwhelm me, will somewhat calm down.  Hopefully, I can reconnect with my prayer life when those moments surround and overwhelm my brain.  My prayer is that after these two events end, I'll still be working to find more things to get involved in.  Being at home is a wonderful thing, I love being with my family tremendously, but I also know, to be a good wife, mother, friend, neighbor, sister, daughter, I need to take care of me, too.  We all do.  We owe it to the people in our lives.  



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HAHA...
So next time you find yourself sitting outside your shoe, feeling overwhelmed, as if you'll never make it through another hour let alone day, with all your kids that are a BLESSING, not a horrible thing, remember, there are other women out there feeling the same- go find them and start something huge!