I haven't had a whole lot of time to blog lately. My life has been pretty all consuming between my seven children, their dad being gone for two weeks, and this little teeny, tiny, thing my friends and I are doing on the side....
Putting together a Women's Conference. (I'll be blogging more about this later, because it's nearing crunch time and well, my brain is on overdrive with planning and selling tickets!!)
My girlfriends and I have been solving the world's problems for years. By "solving" I mean, coming up with solutions for all the problems in our world, but not really...
One of our "problems" we wanted to solve was how could we get the women in our diocese, our own parishes, to want to learn more about their faith. To want to grow in their faith.
I can tell people until I'm blue in the face that our faith is awesome. The Catholic Church is truly the one true church founded by Jesus Christ Himself. I can share facts, information, share with them the papal lineage from Peter all the way to Francis. I can give book lists, pour out my heart and soul over books that completely changed my life, honestly try to convince women that I don't have a million children because I don't use birth control, but because I have a whole new appreciation for how God created family, sex, and my relationship with my super hero hubs...
I can sincerely share that I was about the farthest from my faith just 18 short years ago, but because of God's grace, He shared with me the true beauty of the Eucharist and opened my eyes to the True Presence of His Body, Blood, Soul, & Divinity found in the Eucharist.
I can try to share with them the Love Story that is our faith, and how beautiful it all ties in with Jesus and His ultimate gift for us.
There are books, friends, websites, witnesses, that I could share that completely impacted how I view the Catholic Church, but none of it matters.
Unless women feel that desire in their own hearts? They will have none of it. They would rather "do something fun" than learn about that old stuffy Catholic faith.
I actually had a woman share with me that she would attend Mass, and take her kids to religion, but other than that, it wasn't important to her. Honestly. I appreciated her honesty more than she'll ever realize because she speaks for large volumes of not just women, but lots of Catholics in our church.
And our Church continues to try to figure out how to "fix" this problem. We have had awesome, and incredible programs developed and shared across the board. From Lighthouse Catholic Media, to Ascension Press, to Life Teen, to the incredibly huge volume of reverts and converts who are so talented in communicating their conversion stories either onto a CD, or writing a book that is super easy to read and incredibly inspiring and informative.
Slowly, some are reading these stories and seeking conversions themselves. But last weekend, I had the opportunity to speak at all SEVEN Masses at my parish, and I sat in the back vestibule, so I had the rare opportunity to see everyone who left through the middle doors, and I was really surprised at the groups that left in droves first.
It was my generation.
Sure there were the occasional blue hairs who probably had dinner plans and early bedtimes, but a great portion of them were actually people my age, leaving with their families. Before Mass was over. Way before Mass was over.
I know we all have the occasional conflicts with Mass, but I'm talking Mass exodus! Do people know or understand what they are missing out on? I'm thinking they don't. There is a disconnect going on. Our parents, and our parent's parents, went to church out of obligation. I'm guessing many stopped asking the "why do we do this?" as each generation became less and less familiar with the "whys." I know when I would ask, I would simply get a "because."
We've done a huge disservice to our people. We could look at pretty much every single person involved to find blame, but why.... All we need to know is some how, some way, a disconnect occurred. Church became unimportant for the simple fact that it was not understood. It was old. It was archaic. The priests were old and didn't understand what life was like outside the four walls of Church. (all of these things are things I truly believed in my own heart!) People found joy, excitement, fun, outside the Church and suddenly before we knew it, Mass was important only on those days when nothing interfered with it that was more important, like sports, work, sleep, vacation, etc.
People don't know what they're missing out on. I certainly didn't. Nor did I care. When I see these people at Mass, I don't get irritated, or mad, or angry. I sincerely pray for them and ask God to please light that fire within them to want to seek out the truth for why they come. To earnestly seek answers for the "why" and pray about what they struggle with believing.
One of the worst excuses for missing Mass I've ever heard is that "the church is just full of hypocrites, I can't stand to be in there with all of them...." I agree. To an extent. Because I'm one of those hypocrites.
Any time I yell at my kids, lie to a friend, gossip about someone behind their back, am lazy in my prayer life, complain about my "crazy" life, I am a hypocrite. Any time I don't treat others the way I want to be treated? I am a hypocrite. Any time I don't love God above all else, taking His name in vain, swearing with His name, ignoring Him by not praying, only acknowledging Him when I NEED him when times are tough, or heaven forbid, unfair, I am a hypocrite.
Anyone who thinks Jesus Christ came to just be with the righteous, might want to re-read some of His parables. He came to heal the sick. Not just the physically ill sick, but ALL of the sick. And sin is what the sickness is and I can assure anyone who tries to tell me that they've accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and their sins are all forgiven, that they.still.sin.
We all still sin. I wake up every single day and pray to God that I'm going to try all over again to be good today....
That usually lasts about as long as I'm the only one in the house awake because as soon as any of my little minions wake up, I'm doing or saying something I usually regret after they go off to school. I'm certainly not proud of my choices, but I am honest enough with myself to know that I preach how to be a good Christian and how we should live our lives, but I'll be the first to admit, I fail a lot. Daily. Hourly at times....
That's the beautiful thing about my faith. I have these amazing Sacraments. I can go to confession, receive those graces to keep fighting the good fight, and keep plugging away in this world that would rather I just toss my religion out the door and start 'doing for me' and 'living in the moment.' I can go to Mass every single day and receive the Body and Blood of Jesus and pray for specific intentions at that very moment when Heaven and Earth come together and all those who have gone before us are there, celebrating with us the source and summit of our faith.
I would give anything to teach the women of our faith the beauty hidden within the four walls of our Church. When I watched the families leaving sometimes before communion, I could see almost a sense of not belonging. It's as though they are there, but not really there. It's as though it's just another thing they "do" instead of something they have ownership in and with. My heart was breaking in so many ways as they left and every chance I got to smile or say Hi as they left, I did it.
How do we reach those who feel they have nothing in common with our faith? How do these beautiful women of God make that head to heart connection and begin to have the desire deep down inside to learn the "whys" and "hows" of the Catholic faith?
Well, in the grand scheme of things, we can do what we can. We can continue to offer these amazing programs, books, CD's, and even doing what my girlfriends and I are doing and offering conferences and bringing in some of these amazing Catholic speakers, but ultimately? We have to pray. We have to pray, make sacrifices (I'm going to drink just one cup of joe today instead of four...), and continue to smile and say hi to all the people we see leaving with that same look. The look that says they might want to learn something more, but maybe they're just afraid. Or maybe their pride, like mine, is just a bit too much right now and they just won't. Not until they're ready. Or maybe, just maybe, our prayers will cause some of the blinders to be lifted and one of these beautiful women will decide, I want to know why we do this....
And for her, I'll be waiting. Because I can't wait to tell her all about the amazing love story that is our faith....
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Fat Tuesday....and other glutenous Ideas....
Today is Fat Tuesday. Or in Catholicmomma world- the last day I eat like a king until Easter....(ok femmanuts-a queen....or perhaps I feel like a king and I want to be a king....)
Today is also known as Shrove Tuesday. I'm not as familiar with that term minus the fact that it is derived from another word that means confession, which is super cool because really, during Lent, we should attempt to not only purge ourselves of some undesirable trait, but we should seek confession. AND, depending on how difficult it is to purge ourselves, perhaps seek confession weekly.... We (despite what i have actually been told in the confessional by priests whom I will continue to pray for until the day I die) can NEVER attend the sacrament too often. The graces we receive are what help us, enable us, to withstand the temptation to sin. And sometimes? We need LOTS of graces. Can we ever have too much?
So today is Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras. I was introduced to the King Cake during our stint in Little Rock. I remember thinking, 'what the heck is a king cake?' when the teachers I worked with started talking about getting one for our classes. Little did I know, it would start a tradition in my own home that has been a part of our family for almost 20 years.
The idea behind the King Cake is that a baby Jesus is buried somewhere within the cake.
But whoever gets the "baby Jesus" has to buy the King Cake the next year....(or at least, that's the tradition that was taught to me). Of course, none of my kids can buy the King Cake, but it's still fun to do it....
Sadly, tho, the King Cake selection up in the snowy north, is not very palatable if you know what I mean. (hey, I'm just sayin', they know how to make a good king cake down south....)
So that's the king cake. Which I haven't gotten yet. When I think about Lent this year, I think about all the silly things I've ever given up for it throughout the years of my life. I also think about how right after Lent, I went back to consuming or doing whatever it was I gave up. I'm not putting down anyone who gives up gum and decides to chew it Easter Sunday.
We all have to start somewhere.
And listen, I am going to be 43 in less than 3 weeks, so I'm just now realizing the depth of my "little" sacrifices!!
I want to go deeper this year. I have a LOT of bad habits. I mean a LOT. Ok, nothing you would see me on the news for, relax, but I'm talking about those venial sins that add up. Mortal sins, too. Did you know, when you knowingly gossip about another person you are breaking the commandment 'though shall not kill?' You are basically killing their spirit. Not only that, most people, when we gossip, wouldn't DARE say what we were talking about to the actual person's face. That's when you know it's bad. Or at least we should know it's bad.
I'm very guilty of that. I find I almost don't even realize it, until I've already allowed myself to enter the conversation. And then I feel like I can't stop and it just spirals. I always say i'm going to not gossip, but BAM, I fall off the horse and it all starts again. (Hey- that is the BEAUTY of confession- God loves us, He wants us to keep trying!!!!)
So this Lent, one of my horrible glutenous activities, gossip, is hopefully going to go by the wayside. This way, after Lent is OVER, I can hopefully break that hideous habit! I've read before that it takes 40 days to break a habit. Well, technically speaking, Lent is a hair over 40 days, so what a perfect time to break a bad habit!!
My next rather super embarrassing, here goes nothing, don't judge me please, I'm a sinner just like you, habit is yelling.
.
I am the WORST mother on earth when I yell. I mean, that psycho mom in that cartoon right there? Add some horns and perhaps make me even larger than life and voila, there's scary catholicmomma....
And don't I try everyday to not yell. WOW. Remember that old saying, 'be careful what you wish for?' Well, let's turn it this way- 'Be careful what you pray for.' I pray to be a good mom who doesn't yell at her children. I pray this every single day. Most days, I'm pretty good about not yelling. But those days, when I'm overtired, or we've over planned the day, or the baby didn't stop whining all day, or let's say, our super hero hubs has been gone for 10 days straight? Those days? Mommy monster comes out and it comes out blazing....
Of course, when monster mommy comes out, and throws flames and darts all over the house, than guilty mommy comes out....
So gossip and yelling are two nasty habits I'm going to try to conquer this Lent. I'm also going to try to be more present for my kids.
Today is also known as Shrove Tuesday. I'm not as familiar with that term minus the fact that it is derived from another word that means confession, which is super cool because really, during Lent, we should attempt to not only purge ourselves of some undesirable trait, but we should seek confession. AND, depending on how difficult it is to purge ourselves, perhaps seek confession weekly.... We (despite what i have actually been told in the confessional by priests whom I will continue to pray for until the day I die) can NEVER attend the sacrament too often. The graces we receive are what help us, enable us, to withstand the temptation to sin. And sometimes? We need LOTS of graces. Can we ever have too much?
So today is Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras. I was introduced to the King Cake during our stint in Little Rock. I remember thinking, 'what the heck is a king cake?' when the teachers I worked with started talking about getting one for our classes. Little did I know, it would start a tradition in my own home that has been a part of our family for almost 20 years.
The idea behind the King Cake is that a baby Jesus is buried somewhere within the cake.
 |
| This picture shows a delicious king cake, BTW |
 |
| yea, he might be kinda creepy looking here.... |
Sadly, tho, the King Cake selection up in the snowy north, is not very palatable if you know what I mean. (hey, I'm just sayin', they know how to make a good king cake down south....)
So that's the king cake. Which I haven't gotten yet. When I think about Lent this year, I think about all the silly things I've ever given up for it throughout the years of my life. I also think about how right after Lent, I went back to consuming or doing whatever it was I gave up. I'm not putting down anyone who gives up gum and decides to chew it Easter Sunday.
We all have to start somewhere.
And listen, I am going to be 43 in less than 3 weeks, so I'm just now realizing the depth of my "little" sacrifices!!
I want to go deeper this year. I have a LOT of bad habits. I mean a LOT. Ok, nothing you would see me on the news for, relax, but I'm talking about those venial sins that add up. Mortal sins, too. Did you know, when you knowingly gossip about another person you are breaking the commandment 'though shall not kill?' You are basically killing their spirit. Not only that, most people, when we gossip, wouldn't DARE say what we were talking about to the actual person's face. That's when you know it's bad. Or at least we should know it's bad.
I'm very guilty of that. I find I almost don't even realize it, until I've already allowed myself to enter the conversation. And then I feel like I can't stop and it just spirals. I always say i'm going to not gossip, but BAM, I fall off the horse and it all starts again. (Hey- that is the BEAUTY of confession- God loves us, He wants us to keep trying!!!!)
So this Lent, one of my horrible glutenous activities, gossip, is hopefully going to go by the wayside. This way, after Lent is OVER, I can hopefully break that hideous habit! I've read before that it takes 40 days to break a habit. Well, technically speaking, Lent is a hair over 40 days, so what a perfect time to break a bad habit!!
My next rather super embarrassing, here goes nothing, don't judge me please, I'm a sinner just like you, habit is yelling.
.
 |
| Honestly, I think one of my kids created this.... |
And don't I try everyday to not yell. WOW. Remember that old saying, 'be careful what you wish for?' Well, let's turn it this way- 'Be careful what you pray for.' I pray to be a good mom who doesn't yell at her children. I pray this every single day. Most days, I'm pretty good about not yelling. But those days, when I'm overtired, or we've over planned the day, or the baby didn't stop whining all day, or let's say, our super hero hubs has been gone for 10 days straight? Those days? Mommy monster comes out and it comes out blazing....
 |
| There I am.... |
 |
| Yep... |
I think it's so easy to get completely absorbed on our devices. And since I began working on this awesome Catholic conference we're bringing up here to snowland, I find myself getting lost in emails and websites trying to get ideas for the conference or other items. It leads to other sites, which leads to me basically forgetting why I even got on my device to begin with, but it takes away from my kids nonetheless. It's important that they see that these things do not occupy my every single moment.
Lent is such a great time. It's actually one of my favorite times of the Church calendar. I know that sounds crazy, but I actually look forward to meatless meals, stations of the cross on Fridays, small food sacrifices, and prayer.
I hope we can all find something a bit deeper to sacrifice this Lenten season that perhaps will draw us even closer to our Lord and His ultimate sacrifice for us. Enjoy your Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday, Carnival, or whatever else you might call today and let's get to work on our Lenten sacrifices bright and early tomorrow morning!!
Thursday, February 4, 2016
A Plumber I am not....
Today (and most every day) I learned a valuable lesson in the world of gifts and talents....
I am NOT a plumber. I will NEVER be a plumber. I have NO DESIRE to ever WANT to be a plumber.
Hey, I know there is money in this field. I am actually almost willing to pay it, but were it not for the grace of God that I managed to put a band aid on my children's toilet. And that band aid is subject to destruction because of course, NONE OF THEM ARE HERE TO TEST IT OUT...
Back up a bit.
My superhero hubs is out on a mission. I'm not allowed to discuss it. Matter of fact, he specifically asked I not post anything about it on Facebook. (but he did not say I couldn't blog about it...) I'll be as non specific as I can be. Suffice it to say, he's gone. He's gone for two weeks. He left JUST this past Sunday. You do the math....
So as Newton's law, or Morton's salt, or whatever that "your 'honey just left, let the self destructing house take over" law is, the fun started almost immediately as soon as he left the state. I'm not kidding. My oldest daughter flushed their toilet upstairs and I hear, "uh oh."
No. Heeeeelll noooooo.
You see, much like vomit, things that go wrong with our toilets are absolutely, positively, unequivocally, my kryptonite. I hate toilets. I hate toilets most especially when they are clogged. Spill over. Over pooped in. Over toilet papered in. My good Heavenly Father- how DO girls use so much friggin toilet paper? Do they not understand the idea that maybe you're not done if it's taking the entire roll to wipe??????
I'm sorry. It's day 4. Once the toilet upstairs was unclogged, and let me assure anyone who asks, the toilet plunger is STILL sitting on the garbage bag I left it on OUT in the garage for ANYONE who would like to take it, clean it, and put it up. Ain't gonna be me!
Once the toilet was unclogged, I sat my girls down. (I have six, but really only 4 that actually wipe their tails....one is in a diaper and the other, thankfully, still let's me wipe her arse....did I say thankfully let's me do that?) I included the boy as well, because let's face it, he's got waaaaaaay too much estrogen floating around him so he's bound to pick up some really bad poop habits.....
I probably should have prefaced this blog with a serious warning. Mea culpa.
So, like I was saying, I sat them down. Refreshed their memories of past toilet cloggations that left our basement soaked with toilet water, and assured them that I would not hesitate to send them out to the outhouse if they didn't start abiding by the toilet paper/courtesy flush law.
One of those adorable minions actually asked where the outhouse was. When I assured her that it was the great outdoors- the entire yard could be her litter box, she quickly caught on to what I was implying.... (these kids these days are quick-I'll give 'em that....)
What is the toilet paper/courtesy flush law? Well, glad you asked. I reminded them of that great singer, oh, what's her name? Married to the cyclist who doped up.... come ON brain, for love of all that's holy, this is NOT the time to shut down.....LANCE ARMSTRONG- married to....... COME ON....
CHERYL CROW!!!!
Remember when she came out a few years ago, (ok, maybe decades, I've lost a LOT of sleep in 16 years...) and demanded that we all use three squares of toilet paper and any more than that was literally ruining our earth? Well, perhaps good ole Cheryl was on to something. Maybe instead of demanding we ALL comply with her goofiness, she was really addressing kids! Kids who INSIST on using about 45 squares to wipe urine and nothing LESS than 180 squares to wipe POO!!!
You think I'm exaggerating. Well, ask ANYONE in my house and I ASSURE you they will look at you as though you have lost your cotton pickin' mind if you try to tell them to use less....
My paper towel/courtesy flush law is very similar to Cheryl Crow's plea to save the planet one square at a time, except mine is literally just to save my house from smelling like a litter box the minute you walk in. There are only so many glade plugins I can have plugged in before the baby starts figuring out that if you turn them upside down, they drip. They drip HOT LIQUID.... And it burns. Let's just say, I found that out the hard way..... (shush it, curiosity got the better of me!)
So back to the law. If you just pee, please use a few squares and flush. Every time. Not just when it looks like the bowl has reached it's maximum holding capacity for 798 squares. (now THAT is an exaggeration....)
However, if you poo....... the rule must ABSOLUTELY be followed. If you find that you are filling the bowl with your poo before you even think are close to finish, you must enact the "courtesy flush" law. Now this law is actually adapted from my time in college when I spent the better part of 4 years yelling "flush" to the poor girl in the shower who had to dive bomb away from the shower head before the blast of fire water shot her and melted her flesh after the flush.... I yelled flush and was yelled flush at for almost 4 years of college dorm life.... it was scarring to say the least.... but I have carried over with me the courtesy on two levels. First, if your dump is smelly as a dead skunk just run over, or a rotten egg, please for the love of all that's holy, FLUSH IT. Nothing, and I'm certain NOTHING, will make the smell start going away if you just sit there and leave it til the end..... seriously, if you don't know this by now, you must have very forgiving roommates.....
Second, the bowl only holds SO MUCH. I don't care WHAT the commercial shows, you can NOT flush 200 golf balls down my toilet and NOT have repercussions..... serious, disgusting, poop is coming over the bowl and going in the cracks of the wood floor, repercussions....
So that means, flush it. Halfway through your dump. Flush it. Mid way through your wipe. Flush it. Just flush it. Flush it even when in doubt. I assure you, I'll take your time in purgatory for being so wasteful with toilet water....
So we had the talk. I felt the children and I were on the same page. I am pretty sure after my childish, immature display while trying to plunge that nastiness on Sunday night, they were quite possibly hammering out the details for timing their bowl movements during school.....
Well then last night happened.....
"Ummmmm, Mom? The toilet won't flush at all."
What the heck do you mean it won't flush at all?
Why she meant the toilet won't flush at all!
Do you see it? The broken piece of plastic? You know, because plastic is so durable and all. I really should design a bathroom for kids.... STEEL parts come to mind.........
So I was faced with this at 6:45 this morning. FAB-U-LOUS..... No really.... Fabulous.... I had already planned my morning to the minute. Was going to get everyone off to school. Feed the two youngest and let them play around for a bit. Put the youngest one down for a nap and head to the basement to do my goal of working out everyday that the superhero hubs is gone....
BAM..... wanna make God laugh? Tell Him YOUR plans..... Now I'm not saying God didn't like the idea that I had my morning all organized, but I could have really let this bring me down. I was flustered at the thought of dealing with yet another toilet issue.... I was upset at the thought of having to dress warmly the two yahoos still at home and trek all.the.way.to.home.depot to get a silly toilet part.I was mad because we have SEVEN CHILDREN.... I know only 5 of them actually use that bathroom, but selfishly I didn't want them using MY bathroom!! Have you SEEN their bathroom? It's a freakin' science experiment and it doesn't disgust them!!! They are absolutely gonna enjoy living a life of filth if I don't intervene soon and teach them that bad things can grow in nastiness.... So you can darn well bet I was mad about having to share my bathroom with them!!!
(remember, I am a selfish person- I've already stated that disclaimer many, many, many blogs ago...)
So there I was. Looking at the toilet and wondering how on earth could I fix it.
My oldest daughter, who will be 16 in just a little over a week, sent me a link to a youtube video. (I swear, what the HECK did we do before youtube? Run to the library for a "how to fix it" book?)
It was exactly what was wrong with their toilet and it appeared to be a sinch to fix.... Well, I was grateful for her help and hugged her and told her we'd be ok.
I even managed to find the part and try to put it on the toilet. As luck would have it, my toilets must be a special, one of kind, deal. Because the part "fits" but if you don't pop the handle up after a few seconds, it will just continue to run and run and run and run and run and run water and well, just continue to add to my time in purgatory for not using toilet water more efficiently....
But beyond that, the band aid is on and the toilet is semi functional now.
But the lesson learned is far more deep. (you KNEW there would be a lesson if you just stuck with the stink a while longer....)
I had the amazing opportunity to offer up the inconvenience of so many things this morning for people. People who are meeting with doctors to discuss cancer, people who are struggling in their marriages, people who are suffering physical health issues.... I was able to make a really disgusting situation (one that particularly pains me, right up there with VOMIT) and make it a prayer.
See how easy praying can be? I honestly, would never have thought of it several years ago....it wasn't even on my radar that I could make a prayer out of my yuckiness.... now does that mean I deal well with my yucky? Of course not. It's not a cure, it's not a fix all, but it is a way to help me offer up some of my yuck to hopefully help someone else who has a bit more yuck than I..... and let's face it....potty troubles are pretty minimal when we think about it.... even the poo ones.... (yes, I keep saying it over and over.....it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal....)
Hope this Thursday finds you well. The next time you encounter a bump in the road, try offering up your inconvenience, your trouble, your sadness, your whatever, for someone close to you. Perhaps a loved one. Perhaps someone who gives you trouble. See if it doesn't help make the yuck a bit more doable.
Because despite how nasty my children's bathroom is, despite how the toilet is 'kinda' fixed, I have a different perspective now.
It's just a toilet.
My life isn't going to be changed, altered, destroyed, in any way because of it....
Gotta remember that....
I am NOT a plumber. I will NEVER be a plumber. I have NO DESIRE to ever WANT to be a plumber.
Hey, I know there is money in this field. I am actually almost willing to pay it, but were it not for the grace of God that I managed to put a band aid on my children's toilet. And that band aid is subject to destruction because of course, NONE OF THEM ARE HERE TO TEST IT OUT...
Back up a bit.
My superhero hubs is out on a mission. I'm not allowed to discuss it. Matter of fact, he specifically asked I not post anything about it on Facebook. (but he did not say I couldn't blog about it...) I'll be as non specific as I can be. Suffice it to say, he's gone. He's gone for two weeks. He left JUST this past Sunday. You do the math....
So as Newton's law, or Morton's salt, or whatever that "your 'honey just left, let the self destructing house take over" law is, the fun started almost immediately as soon as he left the state. I'm not kidding. My oldest daughter flushed their toilet upstairs and I hear, "uh oh."
No. Heeeeelll noooooo.
You see, much like vomit, things that go wrong with our toilets are absolutely, positively, unequivocally, my kryptonite. I hate toilets. I hate toilets most especially when they are clogged. Spill over. Over pooped in. Over toilet papered in. My good Heavenly Father- how DO girls use so much friggin toilet paper? Do they not understand the idea that maybe you're not done if it's taking the entire roll to wipe??????
I'm sorry. It's day 4. Once the toilet upstairs was unclogged, and let me assure anyone who asks, the toilet plunger is STILL sitting on the garbage bag I left it on OUT in the garage for ANYONE who would like to take it, clean it, and put it up. Ain't gonna be me!
Once the toilet was unclogged, I sat my girls down. (I have six, but really only 4 that actually wipe their tails....one is in a diaper and the other, thankfully, still let's me wipe her arse....did I say thankfully let's me do that?) I included the boy as well, because let's face it, he's got waaaaaaay too much estrogen floating around him so he's bound to pick up some really bad poop habits.....
I probably should have prefaced this blog with a serious warning. Mea culpa.
So, like I was saying, I sat them down. Refreshed their memories of past toilet cloggations that left our basement soaked with toilet water, and assured them that I would not hesitate to send them out to the outhouse if they didn't start abiding by the toilet paper/courtesy flush law.
One of those adorable minions actually asked where the outhouse was. When I assured her that it was the great outdoors- the entire yard could be her litter box, she quickly caught on to what I was implying.... (these kids these days are quick-I'll give 'em that....)
What is the toilet paper/courtesy flush law? Well, glad you asked. I reminded them of that great singer, oh, what's her name? Married to the cyclist who doped up.... come ON brain, for love of all that's holy, this is NOT the time to shut down.....LANCE ARMSTRONG- married to....... COME ON....
CHERYL CROW!!!!
Remember when she came out a few years ago, (ok, maybe decades, I've lost a LOT of sleep in 16 years...) and demanded that we all use three squares of toilet paper and any more than that was literally ruining our earth? Well, perhaps good ole Cheryl was on to something. Maybe instead of demanding we ALL comply with her goofiness, she was really addressing kids! Kids who INSIST on using about 45 squares to wipe urine and nothing LESS than 180 squares to wipe POO!!!
You think I'm exaggerating. Well, ask ANYONE in my house and I ASSURE you they will look at you as though you have lost your cotton pickin' mind if you try to tell them to use less....
My paper towel/courtesy flush law is very similar to Cheryl Crow's plea to save the planet one square at a time, except mine is literally just to save my house from smelling like a litter box the minute you walk in. There are only so many glade plugins I can have plugged in before the baby starts figuring out that if you turn them upside down, they drip. They drip HOT LIQUID.... And it burns. Let's just say, I found that out the hard way..... (shush it, curiosity got the better of me!)
So back to the law. If you just pee, please use a few squares and flush. Every time. Not just when it looks like the bowl has reached it's maximum holding capacity for 798 squares. (now THAT is an exaggeration....)
However, if you poo....... the rule must ABSOLUTELY be followed. If you find that you are filling the bowl with your poo before you even think are close to finish, you must enact the "courtesy flush" law. Now this law is actually adapted from my time in college when I spent the better part of 4 years yelling "flush" to the poor girl in the shower who had to dive bomb away from the shower head before the blast of fire water shot her and melted her flesh after the flush.... I yelled flush and was yelled flush at for almost 4 years of college dorm life.... it was scarring to say the least.... but I have carried over with me the courtesy on two levels. First, if your dump is smelly as a dead skunk just run over, or a rotten egg, please for the love of all that's holy, FLUSH IT. Nothing, and I'm certain NOTHING, will make the smell start going away if you just sit there and leave it til the end..... seriously, if you don't know this by now, you must have very forgiving roommates.....
Second, the bowl only holds SO MUCH. I don't care WHAT the commercial shows, you can NOT flush 200 golf balls down my toilet and NOT have repercussions..... serious, disgusting, poop is coming over the bowl and going in the cracks of the wood floor, repercussions....
So that means, flush it. Halfway through your dump. Flush it. Mid way through your wipe. Flush it. Just flush it. Flush it even when in doubt. I assure you, I'll take your time in purgatory for being so wasteful with toilet water....
So we had the talk. I felt the children and I were on the same page. I am pretty sure after my childish, immature display while trying to plunge that nastiness on Sunday night, they were quite possibly hammering out the details for timing their bowl movements during school.....
Well then last night happened.....
"Ummmmm, Mom? The toilet won't flush at all."
What the heck do you mean it won't flush at all?
Why she meant the toilet won't flush at all!
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| The handle is dead....just flops there... |
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| Why look! Plastic, when strained enough, DOES snap in half! |
So I was faced with this at 6:45 this morning. FAB-U-LOUS..... No really.... Fabulous.... I had already planned my morning to the minute. Was going to get everyone off to school. Feed the two youngest and let them play around for a bit. Put the youngest one down for a nap and head to the basement to do my goal of working out everyday that the superhero hubs is gone....
BAM..... wanna make God laugh? Tell Him YOUR plans..... Now I'm not saying God didn't like the idea that I had my morning all organized, but I could have really let this bring me down. I was flustered at the thought of dealing with yet another toilet issue.... I was upset at the thought of having to dress warmly the two yahoos still at home and trek all.the.way.to.home.depot to get a silly toilet part.I was mad because we have SEVEN CHILDREN.... I know only 5 of them actually use that bathroom, but selfishly I didn't want them using MY bathroom!! Have you SEEN their bathroom? It's a freakin' science experiment and it doesn't disgust them!!! They are absolutely gonna enjoy living a life of filth if I don't intervene soon and teach them that bad things can grow in nastiness.... So you can darn well bet I was mad about having to share my bathroom with them!!!
(remember, I am a selfish person- I've already stated that disclaimer many, many, many blogs ago...)
So there I was. Looking at the toilet and wondering how on earth could I fix it.
My oldest daughter, who will be 16 in just a little over a week, sent me a link to a youtube video. (I swear, what the HECK did we do before youtube? Run to the library for a "how to fix it" book?)
It was exactly what was wrong with their toilet and it appeared to be a sinch to fix.... Well, I was grateful for her help and hugged her and told her we'd be ok.
I even managed to find the part and try to put it on the toilet. As luck would have it, my toilets must be a special, one of kind, deal. Because the part "fits" but if you don't pop the handle up after a few seconds, it will just continue to run and run and run and run and run and run water and well, just continue to add to my time in purgatory for not using toilet water more efficiently....
But beyond that, the band aid is on and the toilet is semi functional now.
But the lesson learned is far more deep. (you KNEW there would be a lesson if you just stuck with the stink a while longer....)
I had the amazing opportunity to offer up the inconvenience of so many things this morning for people. People who are meeting with doctors to discuss cancer, people who are struggling in their marriages, people who are suffering physical health issues.... I was able to make a really disgusting situation (one that particularly pains me, right up there with VOMIT) and make it a prayer.
See how easy praying can be? I honestly, would never have thought of it several years ago....it wasn't even on my radar that I could make a prayer out of my yuckiness.... now does that mean I deal well with my yucky? Of course not. It's not a cure, it's not a fix all, but it is a way to help me offer up some of my yuck to hopefully help someone else who has a bit more yuck than I..... and let's face it....potty troubles are pretty minimal when we think about it.... even the poo ones.... (yes, I keep saying it over and over.....it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal....)
Hope this Thursday finds you well. The next time you encounter a bump in the road, try offering up your inconvenience, your trouble, your sadness, your whatever, for someone close to you. Perhaps a loved one. Perhaps someone who gives you trouble. See if it doesn't help make the yuck a bit more doable.
Because despite how nasty my children's bathroom is, despite how the toilet is 'kinda' fixed, I have a different perspective now.
It's just a toilet.
My life isn't going to be changed, altered, destroyed, in any way because of it....
Gotta remember that....
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