It's that I don't know a whole lot.
But I'm getting older and I've been trying to really be present lately where ever I am and I've been trying to watch people more intently, too. Especially here at home and out and about when I'm running errands.
What have I've noticed?
We're missing a whole lot. We're missing little things. We're missing things that might be little, but are incredibly profound in the same breath.
For example, I was so busy last weekend. My husband had taken one of my daughters to her volleyball tournament two states over and I was all alone, my older dependable kids working, so I had little time to get all the things I needed to get done, one was dropping off some of the posters/flyers/tickets for a sweet lady who was visiting her sister at a nursing home in the area. I kept thinking I had zero time to do this drop off, I needed to get my 16 yo to work and one of my little ones was home with a fever...just so much...
But I ventured out and went to the nursing home and what happened for the next 20 minutes was nothing short of a tiny signal grace from our great Lord. (He's like that, you know. He won't always show His grace so obviously, sometimes, it's so small, you really have to stop to see it...)
I sat in the lobby with this woman, who turns out is 76 and her sister she was seeing was 96. She visits her and her other sister who is in another nursing home across town as often as she can, while she's not helping her son with his daughter. Her brother (who is a young 93) visits them both weekly. We chatted a while and we discussed the conference. We realized we had mutual friends and lamented the state of our world and she said my youngest would be taking care of my oldest just like was doing to her oldest siblings....
I left and was completely blown away by the amount of wisdom I was just privy to. How many of us miss those moments? I know I do. More often than not.
I returned home and got the younger ones to bed and was reading in my room when I came out and glanced over the balcony and saw several of my children, glued to their devices. I suggested they get off and talk with each other.... You can guess what that was met with....
Several days later, I found myself at my mammogram appointment. A sweet looking elderly lady sat in the next row over and she was alone. I had just registered and sat down and watched her. She was just looking around and seemed to be absorbing everything. The ultrasound tech came out and called her name and she struggled to stand. I witnessed a beautiful moment as the tech walked over and helped her up and chatted with her as if it was no big deal to help her up as the women apologized for needing help. I felt a lump grow in my throat. But another voice spoke at that time in my heart and I realize now who was speaking to my heart.
She said, "You need to slow down, Amy."
At the time, I chalked it up to my inside voice that is constantly talking... you know that voice. The one that sometimes is not so nice to you, the one that tells you to hurry, or reasons and rationalizes anything and everything......
That voice I heard in my heart that day was my grandma Grace's voice. I remember visiting her while I was in high school or college or even when I had little babies and she would always tell me I needed to slow down. Of course I thought she was just silly thinking I was moving too fast....I knew I was doing exactly what i needed to be doing and wasn't doing it too fast! I was creating memories and working and filling my life with all that was important! My grandma just didn't understand!
Sitting in that waiting room, it didn't quite hit me yet, but I was suddenly facing a moment of serious reflection that would hit me pretty hard.
We are so busy. We are so busy filling every single second of our lives with something that we are all missing out on the little, peace filled, grace filled moments. And it's only getting worse. I looked around that waiting room and it was fairly full, but what I noticed was the same thing I've noticed every where I go. People are staring at that little black box.... scrolling with one finger while the rest of the world spins in real life all around them. Do they notice? Do they hear the woman who walks up to the counter ask where where another doctors office is and do they see the receptionist point her the right way when she looked confused at first? Do they see the lady with the baby who came in and sat down? What a cute baby it was! Sound asleep, completely oblivious to world...
Those two moments, the nursing home and the woman helping the other, brought me huge waves of both sadness and fear- one for the fact that despite my best efforts, I'm getting old and one day, God willing, I'll be that little old lady in the waiting room. I'm sure with my arthritis as bad as it is at 46, it will be quite trying in my 70's or 80's. That scares me some, but what I fear most, is the people around me not being present. Not because of loss, but because we have become so absorbed in everything going on outside our own little world that we miss a lot of what is going on right next door. And it's not just the phones and the internet. It's us. It's us forgetting what is most important in life.
Most believers have a fairly good idea that this life isn't the be all end all. We understand that this life is so brief compared with our life in Eternity. The bible speaks of this. But sometimes I think, and I'm just as guilty if not more, that we can begin to believe that this is it. This is all there is and if we don't fill every single second with movement, then we will live a life less than what we could...
I'm not doubting busying ourselves is necessarily a bad thing, I'm doubting that it is the best thing for us. Is this what God called us to be? The busiest people on the planet? Constantly going from point A to point Z and stopping at 23 places in between... (sorry-I had to :) )
I once met a woman who had a few less children than I did (I know, that's not saying a lot...haha) and she seemed to be really faith filled and raised her kiddos similarly to how I did, and once I admitted that my children attended the public school in our area (keep in mind, my children attended Catholic schools where we moved from, but my outrageous 5 digit taxes prevent us from doing that here) she almost immediately changed her tune and when I left that group I was at, I knew she would never be contacting me for a play date. She had already lumped me into the "not gonna be my friend" club, simply because I wasn't either homeschooling or sending my kids to Catholic schools. I brooded over that for a long time, I was upset that someone would judge me and make assumptions about me and my children, simply because of my education choices....but looking back on that now? I see how it's all a part of the bigger problem.
We are busy. We are looking for the perfect people to be with. We are putting people into the boxes we want them in. We claim we don't judge as we judge. We are constantly searching for something to fill that God size hole in our hearts and believe you me, that God sized hole is real and every.single.one of us suffers with it. Until we are truly united with Jesus, our Hearts will ALWAYS long for Him. And most of us, me included, don't spend enough time trying to find Him. Trying to seek Him out. And not just in times of distress (which is my most favorite time to cry out to our Lord isn't it???) but in times of joy, happiness and busyness.
How many of us make it a habit to drink coffee every day? I would venture to guess if you're like me, you'd get a headache if you didn't.
How many of us make it a habit to scroll through social media every day? I would venture to guess it's multiple times a day if you're like me.
How many of us make it a habit to eat every day? I would venture to guess you'd be really hangry if you didn't, like (I'm the worlds WORST faster.... Jeff Cavins does a great impression of people like me who fast.... ask me about it...it's absolutely hysterical...)
We have habits we do every single day. But how many of us make it a habit to pray? Every day. Every morning. Every mid day. Every evening? And in between all those?
I started praying the rosary every day for my children almost 2 years ago. I haven't missed a day yet. Now, before you go thinking I'm deserving of the World's most Faith Filled Christian Woman award, let me tell you something else- some days? I rush through it like a mad woman. You know Vain repetition? Other Christian denominations accuse us of that when we say we pray the rosary. WEll, some days? They are right. I mindlessly pray through it and I don't meditate on the mysteries of Jesus and I don't focus on the people I am praying for. I just do it to check it off my list of "things to do today..." Sound familiar? We can and do a lot of times box our faith up and add it to a checklist of "things to do...."
But our faith should be something that changes us. Stretches us. Pulls us out of the everyday life. We should be different when we really practice our faith.
When I heard my grandma Grace's voice in my heart, it reminded me of so much. It reminded me of the days of sitting with her. Watching her work her crossword puzzles. Listening to her talk about her siblings. Her telling me about what it was like with her babies.
It also reminded me that I have been too busy lately. I've been going and going and going that I'm not stopping to take care of the things closest to me. My relationships around me. My children. My husband. My friends.
As I sat there at the doctor, I felt like the last 23 years of my married life were a complete blur. where on earth did 23 years go? How did they go so fast? How is it that I'm closer to 50 than 40? When did I stop being 30? Where did my 20's go? How did I get to snowland and when did I live in Arkansas? Where are all the people in my life? At least Facebook has one positive- I can see and "visit" my dear friends from our old homes.
But time is going so fast. I've learned that I've wasted a LOT of time trying to do things that I'm not supposed to do.
I've learned I need to slow down. I need to not be in such a hurry. I need to stop and listen to the 2 year old when she says my name over and over. I need to listen to the 11 year old when she's telling me about her day. I've learned when I see someone who needs help, I need to help them. I've learned I need to sit down. Breathe deeply. Close my eyes. Let silence enter my world for a while. I've learned I need to detox from my phone often. I've learned I need to encourage my children to do the same. I've learned that we don't all always take the same path, but sometimes our paths cross and sometimes they will never cross and sometimes, our paths are so full of turmoil we think we'll never get off the path. I've learned that people are hurting. Lots of people. And they lash out in all kinds of ways. Addictions, ugly comments, hurtful words, isolation. I've learned that we are all broken in one way or another and the person who tries to say they aren't, might be the very one who is most. I've learned that even tho some say they don't need Jesus, they really do need Him and you can see Him surrounding that person who denies it. I've learned that I am blessed and I do have an amazing life and I do praise and thank Him every day for all the gifts I've been so undeservingly given. I've learned that a smile or a hug or just a simple compliment can open the floodgates of conversation with someone who just wants to be heard. I've learned that no matter how much education one has, or book reading, or media studying, you'll never know it all. I've learned that there is always, ALWAYS something to learn. I've learned that sometimes, you just need to sit and visit with people when you think you need to be getting things done.
I've learned lots more, but I think you get what I'm getting at.
If there is one thing I've learned? One nugget to take? One moment to define? It's that we must always keep our eyes and ears open to those words that might not always be spoken loudly, or even whispered softly, but might be present in a face, a moment witnessed, a smile, or even a beautiful day. God speaks to us in so many ways.
May we always be open to learning that.....
