So day 31. 98.9. I'm almost 95% certain I am with child now. My heart gets this terribly sick, yet somewhat excited feeling now. Mostly over the dumb things I did prior to finding out with 95% certainty. The dental xray, the two amusement parks, the wine I consumed (which was only a glass each night for a few nights), and the overall irritation that I am an idiot when it comes to being a "believer."
I'll explain after I write how Day 31 reminds me of Proverbs 31.
* a woman of worth?a Far beyond jewels is her value. 11 Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. 12 She brings him profit, not loss,*all the days of her life. 13 She seeks out wool and flax and weaves with skillful hands. 14 Like a merchant fleet, she secures her provisions from afar. 15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household, a portion to her maidservants. 16 She picks out a field and acquires it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength; she exerts her arms with vigor.* 18 She enjoys the profit from her dealings; her lamp is never extinguished at night.* 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.* 20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. 21 She is not concerned for her household when it snows— all her charges are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing. 23 Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.* 24 She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come.* 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom; kindly instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over* the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband, too, praises her: 29 “Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.* 31 Acclaim her for the work of her hands,Who can find
and let her deeds praise her at the city gates.
OK. Today I clearly needed to read this verse for multiple reasons. One being that, God finds the job of "wifery" (hahaha-I made that up) an important one enough to have someone be inspired to write about it. He also finds the job as wife to be of sacrifice and important. The whole part of verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem. (I love poetry) I found this on the USCCB website about the poem:
An acrostic poem of twenty-two lines; each line begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. As with many other acrostic poems in the Bible, the unity of the poem is largely extrinsic, coming not from the narrative logic but from the familiar sequence of letters. The topic is the ideal woman described through her activity as a wife. Some have suggested that the traditional hymn extolling the great deeds of a warrior has been transposed to extol a heroic wife; the focus is on her exploits. She runs a household distinguished by abundant food and clothing for all within, by its trade (import of raw materials and export of finished products), and by the renown of its head, her husband, in the community. At v. 28, the voice is no longer that of the narrator but of her children and husband as they praise her. The purpose of the poem has been interpreted variously: an encomium to offset the sometimes negative portrayal of women in the book, or, more symbolically (and more likely), a portrait of a household ruled by Woman Wisdom and a disciple of Woman Wisdom, i.e., he now has a worthy wife and children, a great household, renown in the community.
Verse 18 struck me poignantly- 'her lamp is undimmed.' Which indicates her (the wife) abundance of productive work and it's accompanying prosperity. Sometimes as moms we have the tendency to believe our "work" is unproductive. Especially in comparison to those moms who work outside the home. I find, at least, that some days, I look around and see that I barely managed to keep the ship afloat. Sure, kids were fed, laundry was done, but there's sticky syrup on the floor, dust all over the furniture, and a trail of shoes from the garage door to the stairs. I see this as a failure in "keeping my home" instead of seeing it as another step in the productivity of raising my children.
Another favorite part is verse 17. 'She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.' Girt is a form of gird which means (one meaning) to prepare, to encircle, to provide= preparing for war, etc. In a sense, are we as moms constantly girding ourselves as we prepare for the next "disaster" at home, school, etc? Or even more, to survive in this culture of waste and disposal, aren't we constantly strengthening ourselves against the evil that our children are constantly tempted with? Our sturdy arms, holding our children, shielding them from the attack of evil and darkness, preventing the seeping darkness of our culture of death to harm or influence our children?
Another fav is verse 25. 'She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.'
I'm having a lot of trouble laughing at the days to come. This would be anxiety free attitude that now that I face the possibility of bringing another child into this world, is gone. I would LOVE to have no anxiety. God calls us to be anxious free daily. Doesn't He provide for the birds? Won't He take care of me and my family? Of course, it's not that. My anxiety and worry come from selfish pride that I all too often forget to check at the door of my prayers with my Father. I often just cry and say, "Why can't I be stronger?"
I do feel strong and I do try to stand with dignity. I am well aware of my many, many, MANY faults. I can probably guess my amazing husband would want me to throw another MANY in there, too. :)
But one of my serious issues is pride. Pride and selfishness. (but Catholicmomma- you have SIX children-how can you be selfish?) I've blogged about that before. My selfishness comes in many forms. (my husband would like to call them personalities, but for the sake of not sounding cray-zay-we'll call them forms.....)
Remember the ugly green monster blog I wrote? (cause I know y'all hang on my every word...)
Well, that ugly green monster is my pride. When I worry more about what others think of me, or what they say about me, or what they don't say to me- that's my pride. When I worry more about "fitting in" than standing out and being "a fool for Christ" that's my pride. When I worry more about how we'll be able to 'afford' all these kids, that's my pride. All of that interferes with my faith. All of that, shows others, that I might be a Christian, but it's in name only. I love Jesus- but when I worry and let my pride and selfishness shine through, I'm telling Him, I don't trust Him. I trust ME and ME has let me down....
Remember, last week- I wrote about how much I loved my faith that I was willing to be a FOOL for Christ? Well, just like the Christians before us, Peter denying Jesus, Thomas doubting Jesus, some people just completely turning away from Jesus when He said they had to actually physically EAT His flesh and DRINK His blood, I fall. Daily. Sometimes hourly. I hate it when I fall. I feel like such a failure when I do, but I know I have Jesus who came to save me. Save me from this terrible wretched life- so I could one day, be with Him in Heaven- and I will be judged- oh I'll be judged alrite. I truly believe that I will stand before my Savior, and He will ask me all about all the things I DID for Him AND all the things I DIDN'T do for Him.
How am I standing up and proclaiming boldly, that Jesus Christ is in charge of my life, the life of my husband and the life of my children and we trust He will provide??
There very well could be a life growing inside of me. A human life. A living being. Right now, this is what potentially is happening to that living being: At four weeks pregnant, no less: