So tomorrow is it. I suppose there should be a better title then D-Day because that indicates delivery day or due date.... It's actually the date that I can safely assume that I am 1) entering a new phase of menopause with no hot flashes but tons of nausea and these insane veins busting out everywhere and the unsightly conversation about hemorrhoids is about to get pretty ugly OR 2) I am with child.
So I am so terribly ill today I can hardly stand myself let alone all the creatures in this house. I barely made it through teaching today and finally had to have my EM bring her books up to my bed because I needed to be horizontal with the earth for a half hour or 12 or more. I can say this is an excellent sign, but I won't because I've been nauseous before and wound up seeing a very disappointing ultrasound at 8 weeks.
I made a call to my OBGYN today and just left a message on the nurse's voice mail. Of course, I said, "No big deal, just get back to me when you have time....tomorrow, next month, or January 2015."
I hope she gets my humor.
Perhaps we should call tomorrow TA-Day. Temperature Affirmation Day. Because my High Temperature level has now been elevated for almost 20 days. The nausea has increased each day to the point of today feeling as though I could seriously barely stick my finger down my throat and really throw up- not that I would EVER do that, because I am the girl when a stomach virus is going around my house, I stop eating food altogether and I pray to God to please not let me get sick- because I can.not.handle.vomit. Not mine, not my kids, not my husband's. Not even my dogs when we had dogs.
I was half tempted to buy a pregnancy test last night when I was out. But thought twice about it. I must remain strong. I did NOT buy one for Kiki and look how that turned out.... ;)
And what have I not done almost this entire journey so far? Not.prayed.
Not much at all. Yes, I've done my Novena, and yes, I've shouted out (in my head of course) my customary, "please God, let this baby live," or, "please God, don't let my husband be mad because I can CLEARLY not add." But no real serious come to Jesus prayer. As I sit here and type, I have about 2 billion thoughts going through my head.
Wanna know some of them? (remember, these are thoughts, and thoughts are only sins when they are acted out....)
1. What is my extended family going to say? (there are usually one or two, or a dozen, who make some comment. Yes, my family. Meaning both sides, husband and wife. I don't know why. Perhaps, for no better reason, then it's fun to make fun of people?)
2. What are my neighbors going to say? (ok, I love most of my neighbors, seriously, they are some of the nicest people I've ever met- but I worry- what will they say? Some were very surprised when we told them we were pregnant with #6- what will they say to #7?)
3. What will our church friends say? (well, this one is super duper easy, cause I know most, if not all of them, will be very excited for us. Yes, there are a few people who now will say, "Six? Wow. That's crazy." And five minutes into the conversation they admit they're number six, or crazier, number 7 in THEIR family....)
4. Will people preach to me about robbing the earth of it's resources and tell me I'm leaving my carbon print all over the world with just.my.family? (I swear to you, I have less garbage and more recycling than half the families of 4 in this neighborhood. I reuse, recycle, and fix and refix most things. My children wear hand-me-downs of hand-me-downs. I rarely turn the air conditioning on in my house unless I'm pregnant or breast feeding and cooking a really hot meal and have lost my mind sweating -ok, that has only happened a handful of times. We keep the heat set low so that it doesn't use much gas and really-all these bodies really keep our house nice and warm.... We fill the car up and don't waste any gas where ever we go. I feel we're pretty responsible- except I DON'T use cloth diapers and I suppose that will be why the earth blows up...)
5. What are the trolls on Facebook going to say? (ok, I really don't have any troll friends, BUT I have noticed that I've lost quite a few friends from HS, which is really fine, because I didn't seek them out and quite frankly, I'm not the same person I was in HS- I hope I've matured, grown, and decided that I am not the ugliest girl on the entire planet....)
6. What if I lose a child? (ok, I don't really worry about this because my kids are really good about keeping up with one another, but on occasion, we have had the ole' panic attack run around the house looking to see if anyone drowned in the toilet race.....That is a crazy moment-let me tell you...)
7. What if people make fun of me? (like they don't already)
8. What if people ask "haven't you figured out how that happens yet?" (like I've never heard that one)
9. What if they say "You can fix that problem you know...." (as though my fertility is a disease and my desire to be with my most awesome, gorgeous, super sexy, and might I add, quite the fit fella for almost 45 husband is wrong- sorry people, but I'm keeping it real- I am married to an UH-MAZING man...in ALL WAYS...God made him just for me.... )
10. What if people don't want to have us over for dinner? (oh wait- we don't go to people's houses now! Hahaha- that's an easy one...)
My list goes on, but I'm going to forget my point and go off on a squirrel tangent if I don't stop. The point is, WHO CARES? Who cares what my family thinks, who cares what my friends, neighbors, strangers, especially strangers at Walmart, think. Who cares what people will say, you know they say it anyway, and they've been saying it since we had THREE KIDS!!!
The most important person, Being, we are to please, is God. And what does He, the God of the Universe, have to say about children?
Lots. Lots and lots....
"Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward, Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate."
I looked up quiver because I vaguely remember a bible study that talked about what number that represented- well, either I'm super tired and sick feeling and missed the google time frame to find a logical answer, or google was being sassy- I found several sites that said "more than 5" and one that said, "up to 30." So I suppose we could generalize and say it means, "A LOT." So clearly, lots of children are seen as a blessing in God's eyes. But wait, there's more....
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
A Song of Ascents. Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
There are also lots of verses that assure me that God will take care of us. I know it will be tough, and as it is now, we don't always get the things we want, but some of these verses give me great comfort in knowing what is most important...
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.”
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
This is probably one of my favorite verses and quite frankly, stumbled upon it tonight and reminded myself I need to truly do this. Often. It's on the dependence on God. We all need to depend on God.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?oCan any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?*Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.* If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness,* and all these things will be given you besides.Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.
So, as I begin to accept this gift from God, with all the good and bad (anxiety) that comes with it, I will remind myself to not worry. God will provide. He has brought us this far, and I have no doubt He will continue on this journey with us.
Sometimes, surprises can open doors to things we never imagined possible. Perhaps, this is that door God is opening for us....