I did it! It's Thursday. Can't believe 40 days have come and gone. Can't believe my temp is still up. 98.9 today. Can't believe I nearly threw up when I swallowed my coffee wrong this morning. That was a nightmare. I do NOT do vomit-so it was a touch and go moment for me- my kids kept looking at me like I was turning 10 colors green and couldn't figure out why choking on coffee would produce such shocking gagging noises. I couldn't either. I'm not even 6 weeks yet (Sunday) and even I was surprised at how sick I was, AND felt sick for the next THREE HOURS. Does anyone have any idea what it's like to 1) hide a pregnancy 2) hide nausea 3) hide the reason behind nausea by acting like you're just "not getting enough sleep?"
I can only tell my kids for so much longer that mom needs naps because she's getting to bed late and getting up way to early and feels sick because she's tired before SOMEONE is going to catch on. Fortunately, my oldest is a tad dense, she's super smart, but her elevator sometimes gets stuck between floors. My son is about as clueless as a 4 year old playing in mud, my 8 year old is somewhat wise and will one day sooner or later figure it out, my 5 year old will just laugh and say she'll nap with me, the 15 month old will just cry and whine more which is not really anything new...but my 11 year old? The one I'm home with ALL DAY LONG?
She'll figure it out pretty quick if this keeps up or gets worse. She's the quickest one in the bunch and quite frankly, has the most common sense of all of them put together.
So hiding this for a few more weeks will be challenging. I suppose I will hide it until we have an ultrasound. I can't be sharing with too many people that I'm potentially pregnant and then head to the OBGYN and see that "oh, Catholicmomma, you're not pregnant, you're just in menopause now." Cause that would suck to have to call everyone and tell them that....
I have told a few close friends. 6 to be exact. Two are in Arkansas and are praying diligent for me. Three are up here in NY and are also praying for me. One is in GA and she too is praying for me.
The hardest thing about this is how I feel sometimes. I know last night I wrote about the million thoughts going through my head, but sometimes I just feel as though God has given me too much. I sometimes sit and when the nausea becomes so incredibly overwhelming, and i have to teach my 11 year old and the 15 month old is whining because, well, she can't talk so this is her communication, I just look up and ask, "God? you don't think it's too much yet?" I know He doesn't and I know I can handle this, He never equips us for what we DON'T have, goodness, if that be the case, wouldn't everyone be jumping on the half dozen or more kid bus?
"Hey- I just realized I have the patience for 10 more kids!! Hot almighty damnation. I'm hopping on board this large family bus right now! I can't believe I didn't realize sooner I could handle at least 10 more!!!"
Ok, no. He doesn't work that way. He only gives us what we need for what we have. That's what really bugs me the most about people and their off hand comments to me.
"Oh wow. I can't handle the two I've got."
Really? Or perhaps are you stretching yourself out so then, and letting your children get involved in every single activity and working 50 hours a week that you really are stretched to the max? Sometimes we bring the "can't handle what we've got" all on ourselves. We busy ourselves and fill every single moment in every single day with so much activity that before we know, we're running on fumes.
So back to the main idea before another squirrel jumps on this kid bus.
God has filled my plate. I have six kids, I feel very overwhelmed, but some of my stress is self induced. I get upset because my kids won't help around the house, because my expectations are set WAY too high, or because I plan things in my head, and they don't quite go the way I envisioned and suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It's not because God has given me too much, it's because I have added to what He gave me instead of just enjoying where He has me.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
D-Day...
So tomorrow is it. I suppose there should be a better title then D-Day because that indicates delivery day or due date.... It's actually the date that I can safely assume that I am 1) entering a new phase of menopause with no hot flashes but tons of nausea and these insane veins busting out everywhere and the unsightly conversation about hemorrhoids is about to get pretty ugly OR 2) I am with child.
So I am so terribly ill today I can hardly stand myself let alone all the creatures in this house. I barely made it through teaching today and finally had to have my EM bring her books up to my bed because I needed to be horizontal with the earth for a half hour or 12 or more. I can say this is an excellent sign, but I won't because I've been nauseous before and wound up seeing a very disappointing ultrasound at 8 weeks.
I made a call to my OBGYN today and just left a message on the nurse's voice mail. Of course, I said, "No big deal, just get back to me when you have time....tomorrow, next month, or January 2015."
I hope she gets my humor.
Perhaps we should call tomorrow TA-Day. Temperature Affirmation Day. Because my High Temperature level has now been elevated for almost 20 days. The nausea has increased each day to the point of today feeling as though I could seriously barely stick my finger down my throat and really throw up- not that I would EVER do that, because I am the girl when a stomach virus is going around my house, I stop eating food altogether and I pray to God to please not let me get sick- because I can.not.handle.vomit. Not mine, not my kids, not my husband's. Not even my dogs when we had dogs.
I was half tempted to buy a pregnancy test last night when I was out. But thought twice about it. I must remain strong. I did NOT buy one for Kiki and look how that turned out.... ;)
And what have I not done almost this entire journey so far? Not.prayed.
Not much at all. Yes, I've done my Novena, and yes, I've shouted out (in my head of course) my customary, "please God, let this baby live," or, "please God, don't let my husband be mad because I can CLEARLY not add." But no real serious come to Jesus prayer. As I sit here and type, I have about 2 billion thoughts going through my head.
Wanna know some of them? (remember, these are thoughts, and thoughts are only sins when they are acted out....)
1. What is my extended family going to say? (there are usually one or two, or a dozen, who make some comment. Yes, my family. Meaning both sides, husband and wife. I don't know why. Perhaps, for no better reason, then it's fun to make fun of people?)
2. What are my neighbors going to say? (ok, I love most of my neighbors, seriously, they are some of the nicest people I've ever met- but I worry- what will they say? Some were very surprised when we told them we were pregnant with #6- what will they say to #7?)
3. What will our church friends say? (well, this one is super duper easy, cause I know most, if not all of them, will be very excited for us. Yes, there are a few people who now will say, "Six? Wow. That's crazy." And five minutes into the conversation they admit they're number six, or crazier, number 7 in THEIR family....)
4. Will people preach to me about robbing the earth of it's resources and tell me I'm leaving my carbon print all over the world with just.my.family? (I swear to you, I have less garbage and more recycling than half the families of 4 in this neighborhood. I reuse, recycle, and fix and refix most things. My children wear hand-me-downs of hand-me-downs. I rarely turn the air conditioning on in my house unless I'm pregnant or breast feeding and cooking a really hot meal and have lost my mind sweating -ok, that has only happened a handful of times. We keep the heat set low so that it doesn't use much gas and really-all these bodies really keep our house nice and warm.... We fill the car up and don't waste any gas where ever we go. I feel we're pretty responsible- except I DON'T use cloth diapers and I suppose that will be why the earth blows up...)
5. What are the trolls on Facebook going to say? (ok, I really don't have any troll friends, BUT I have noticed that I've lost quite a few friends from HS, which is really fine, because I didn't seek them out and quite frankly, I'm not the same person I was in HS- I hope I've matured, grown, and decided that I am not the ugliest girl on the entire planet....)
6. What if I lose a child? (ok, I don't really worry about this because my kids are really good about keeping up with one another, but on occasion, we have had the ole' panic attack run around the house looking to see if anyone drowned in the toilet race.....That is a crazy moment-let me tell you...)
7. What if people make fun of me? (like they don't already)
8. What if people ask "haven't you figured out how that happens yet?" (like I've never heard that one)
9. What if they say "You can fix that problem you know...." (as though my fertility is a disease and my desire to be with my most awesome, gorgeous, super sexy, and might I add, quite the fit fella for almost 45 husband is wrong- sorry people, but I'm keeping it real- I am married to an UH-MAZING man...in ALL WAYS...God made him just for me.... )
10. What if people don't want to have us over for dinner? (oh wait- we don't go to people's houses now! Hahaha- that's an easy one...)
My list goes on, but I'm going to forget my point and go off on a squirrel tangent if I don't stop. The point is, WHO CARES? Who cares what my family thinks, who cares what my friends, neighbors, strangers, especially strangers at Walmart, think. Who cares what people will say, you know they say it anyway, and they've been saying it since we had THREE KIDS!!!
The most important person, Being, we are to please, is God. And what does He, the God of the Universe, have to say about children?
Lots. Lots and lots....
Psalm 127:3-5
"Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward, Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate."
I looked up quiver because I vaguely remember a bible study that talked about what number that represented- well, either I'm super tired and sick feeling and missed the google time frame to find a logical answer, or google was being sassy- I found several sites that said "more than 5" and one that said, "up to 30." So I suppose we could generalize and say it means, "A LOT." So clearly, lots of children are seen as a blessing in God's eyes. But wait, there's more....
Luke 18:16
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Psalm 128:1-6
A Song of Ascents. Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!
Deuteronomy 6:7
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
Matthew 18:1-3
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:10
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
There are also lots of verses that assure me that God will take care of us. I know it will be tough, and as it is now, we don't always get the things we want, but some of these verses give me great comfort in knowing what is most important...
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Mark 9:37
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.”
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Psalm 100:1-5
A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.
Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
This is probably one of my favorite verses and quite frankly, stumbled upon it tonight and reminded myself I need to truly do this. Often. It's on the dependence on God. We all need to depend on God.
Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?26Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?o27Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?*28Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.29But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.30* If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?31So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’32All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.33But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness,* and all these things will be given you besides.34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.
So, as I begin to accept this gift from God, with all the good and bad (anxiety) that comes with it, I will remind myself to not worry. God will provide. He has brought us this far, and I have no doubt He will continue on this journey with us.
Sometimes, surprises can open doors to things we never imagined possible. Perhaps, this is that door God is opening for us....
So I am so terribly ill today I can hardly stand myself let alone all the creatures in this house. I barely made it through teaching today and finally had to have my EM bring her books up to my bed because I needed to be horizontal with the earth for a half hour or 12 or more. I can say this is an excellent sign, but I won't because I've been nauseous before and wound up seeing a very disappointing ultrasound at 8 weeks.
I made a call to my OBGYN today and just left a message on the nurse's voice mail. Of course, I said, "No big deal, just get back to me when you have time....tomorrow, next month, or January 2015."
I hope she gets my humor.
Perhaps we should call tomorrow TA-Day. Temperature Affirmation Day. Because my High Temperature level has now been elevated for almost 20 days. The nausea has increased each day to the point of today feeling as though I could seriously barely stick my finger down my throat and really throw up- not that I would EVER do that, because I am the girl when a stomach virus is going around my house, I stop eating food altogether and I pray to God to please not let me get sick- because I can.not.handle.vomit. Not mine, not my kids, not my husband's. Not even my dogs when we had dogs.
I was half tempted to buy a pregnancy test last night when I was out. But thought twice about it. I must remain strong. I did NOT buy one for Kiki and look how that turned out.... ;)
And what have I not done almost this entire journey so far? Not.prayed.
Not much at all. Yes, I've done my Novena, and yes, I've shouted out (in my head of course) my customary, "please God, let this baby live," or, "please God, don't let my husband be mad because I can CLEARLY not add." But no real serious come to Jesus prayer. As I sit here and type, I have about 2 billion thoughts going through my head.
Wanna know some of them? (remember, these are thoughts, and thoughts are only sins when they are acted out....)
1. What is my extended family going to say? (there are usually one or two, or a dozen, who make some comment. Yes, my family. Meaning both sides, husband and wife. I don't know why. Perhaps, for no better reason, then it's fun to make fun of people?)
2. What are my neighbors going to say? (ok, I love most of my neighbors, seriously, they are some of the nicest people I've ever met- but I worry- what will they say? Some were very surprised when we told them we were pregnant with #6- what will they say to #7?)
3. What will our church friends say? (well, this one is super duper easy, cause I know most, if not all of them, will be very excited for us. Yes, there are a few people who now will say, "Six? Wow. That's crazy." And five minutes into the conversation they admit they're number six, or crazier, number 7 in THEIR family....)
4. Will people preach to me about robbing the earth of it's resources and tell me I'm leaving my carbon print all over the world with just.my.family? (I swear to you, I have less garbage and more recycling than half the families of 4 in this neighborhood. I reuse, recycle, and fix and refix most things. My children wear hand-me-downs of hand-me-downs. I rarely turn the air conditioning on in my house unless I'm pregnant or breast feeding and cooking a really hot meal and have lost my mind sweating -ok, that has only happened a handful of times. We keep the heat set low so that it doesn't use much gas and really-all these bodies really keep our house nice and warm.... We fill the car up and don't waste any gas where ever we go. I feel we're pretty responsible- except I DON'T use cloth diapers and I suppose that will be why the earth blows up...)
5. What are the trolls on Facebook going to say? (ok, I really don't have any troll friends, BUT I have noticed that I've lost quite a few friends from HS, which is really fine, because I didn't seek them out and quite frankly, I'm not the same person I was in HS- I hope I've matured, grown, and decided that I am not the ugliest girl on the entire planet....)
6. What if I lose a child? (ok, I don't really worry about this because my kids are really good about keeping up with one another, but on occasion, we have had the ole' panic attack run around the house looking to see if anyone drowned in the toilet race.....That is a crazy moment-let me tell you...)
7. What if people make fun of me? (like they don't already)
8. What if people ask "haven't you figured out how that happens yet?" (like I've never heard that one)
9. What if they say "You can fix that problem you know...." (as though my fertility is a disease and my desire to be with my most awesome, gorgeous, super sexy, and might I add, quite the fit fella for almost 45 husband is wrong- sorry people, but I'm keeping it real- I am married to an UH-MAZING man...in ALL WAYS...God made him just for me.... )
10. What if people don't want to have us over for dinner? (oh wait- we don't go to people's houses now! Hahaha- that's an easy one...)
My list goes on, but I'm going to forget my point and go off on a squirrel tangent if I don't stop. The point is, WHO CARES? Who cares what my family thinks, who cares what my friends, neighbors, strangers, especially strangers at Walmart, think. Who cares what people will say, you know they say it anyway, and they've been saying it since we had THREE KIDS!!!
The most important person, Being, we are to please, is God. And what does He, the God of the Universe, have to say about children?
Lots. Lots and lots....
Psalm 127:3-5
"Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward, Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate."
I looked up quiver because I vaguely remember a bible study that talked about what number that represented- well, either I'm super tired and sick feeling and missed the google time frame to find a logical answer, or google was being sassy- I found several sites that said "more than 5" and one that said, "up to 30." So I suppose we could generalize and say it means, "A LOT." So clearly, lots of children are seen as a blessing in God's eyes. But wait, there's more....
Luke 18:16
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
Psalm 128:1-6
A Song of Ascents. Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!
Deuteronomy 6:7
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
Matthew 18:1-3
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:10
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
There are also lots of verses that assure me that God will take care of us. I know it will be tough, and as it is now, we don't always get the things we want, but some of these verses give me great comfort in knowing what is most important...
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Mark 9:37
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.”
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Psalm 100:1-5
A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.
Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
This is probably one of my favorite verses and quite frankly, stumbled upon it tonight and reminded myself I need to truly do this. Often. It's on the dependence on God. We all need to depend on God.
Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?26Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?o27Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?*28Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.29But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.30* If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?31So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’32All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.33But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness,* and all these things will be given you besides.34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.
So, as I begin to accept this gift from God, with all the good and bad (anxiety) that comes with it, I will remind myself to not worry. God will provide. He has brought us this far, and I have no doubt He will continue on this journey with us.
Sometimes, surprises can open doors to things we never imagined possible. Perhaps, this is that door God is opening for us....
Monday, June 2, 2014
Hope in the best places.....
Do you know how I can tell God's hand is in everything? It's really amazing when you look for it. I spent a great deal of time as a kid/young adult, even as an adult, missing His hand.
God is in everything. His hand touches everything. If you open yourself to Him, you will see Him in all you do. I promise.
Today for example. Day 37. Temp is 98.8. The last two days my temps "dropped" a little. Nothing below my HTL (high temperature level-when you chart this is your gauge for how you see when you're "safe" to be with your husband after ovulation if you are choosing to not get pregnant that month), but it dropped two days in a row and of course, my panic anxiety paranoia kicked in full gear.
When Catholicmomma's panic anxiety paranoia kicks in, two things happen.
1) I make life at home miserable for all involved.
2) I tend to become a recluse and therefore, make life at home even more miserable at home for all involved.
My hubs tells me I am the barometer of the family.
When I'm happy, we are all happy.
When I'm stressed, angry, messed up, paranoid, anxious, whatever other adjective to describe neurosis you can think of- we're all messed up....
So the last two days, my barometer has been rather off and the family has been rather off as well.
Remember, I'm a work in progress. I fail. And fail, and fail, and fail and fail and fail.
God knows I'm going to fail. We set ourselves up in the Garden of Eden for failure when we first chose to disobey God. He loves us. He loves me. He always, always, always, is with me. Always.
But I failed miserably this weekend. I could blame it on the fact that hubs had to work ALL DAY Saturday and we had only about 2 million outdoor activities to get to before Monday, or that he had to ride for 200 miles Sunday which once again took him away from outdoor activities. But I can't because you see, God's hand was in the entire weekend. I worked outside Friday, all day Saturday, and all afternoon Sunday in my yard. I managed to buy the veggies we needed for our garden, we managed to till the garden up and get all the veggies planted, and I finished my flower bed weeding last night in the nick of time. (long story, but when I'm pregnant and the first year of my babies- I tend to do very little gardening....and my flower garden off my back porch was getting way out of control....)
So you see, even though my barometer was way low, I could see after I reflected on the weekend, that He was right there. Guiding us, helping us, and above all, just being with us. I just have to work on actually seeing it, when it happens. Not after. Again, work in progress.
So this morning. I jump out of bed at 5:41. For some reason, I'm in panic mode. It's as though my hubs had told me it was time to wake up and I fell back asleep for 20 minutes. Actually, it's so darn bright in our room, that when I do wake up, I feel like it should be 7:30 and my kids have missed this bus! So I jump up. Take my temp, see that it's climbed back up, feel somewhat reassured that while we didn't exactly "plan" this potential pregnancy (yes, I'm still looking for menopause), if it is a baby actually causing the high temps, my body is still working properly at this stage in the game.
I head downstairs and chat with my two older ones and eat breakfast with them. I then get on my computer to read my novena. I am actually doing more novenas now that i signed up for this email novena thing than I've ever.done.in.my.life. It's the novena to the Holy Spirit. (if you want to know what a Novena is, click here. http://www.catholic.org/news/hf/faith/story.php?id=36553
Day 4 is today. I'm just going to cut and paste it below because remember, I'm techno-unsavvy, ok?
God is in everything. His hand touches everything. If you open yourself to Him, you will see Him in all you do. I promise.
Today for example. Day 37. Temp is 98.8. The last two days my temps "dropped" a little. Nothing below my HTL (high temperature level-when you chart this is your gauge for how you see when you're "safe" to be with your husband after ovulation if you are choosing to not get pregnant that month), but it dropped two days in a row and of course, my panic anxiety paranoia kicked in full gear.
When Catholicmomma's panic anxiety paranoia kicks in, two things happen.
1) I make life at home miserable for all involved.
2) I tend to become a recluse and therefore, make life at home even more miserable at home for all involved.
My hubs tells me I am the barometer of the family.
When I'm happy, we are all happy.
When I'm stressed, angry, messed up, paranoid, anxious, whatever other adjective to describe neurosis you can think of- we're all messed up....
So the last two days, my barometer has been rather off and the family has been rather off as well.
Remember, I'm a work in progress. I fail. And fail, and fail, and fail and fail and fail.
God knows I'm going to fail. We set ourselves up in the Garden of Eden for failure when we first chose to disobey God. He loves us. He loves me. He always, always, always, is with me. Always.
But I failed miserably this weekend. I could blame it on the fact that hubs had to work ALL DAY Saturday and we had only about 2 million outdoor activities to get to before Monday, or that he had to ride for 200 miles Sunday which once again took him away from outdoor activities. But I can't because you see, God's hand was in the entire weekend. I worked outside Friday, all day Saturday, and all afternoon Sunday in my yard. I managed to buy the veggies we needed for our garden, we managed to till the garden up and get all the veggies planted, and I finished my flower bed weeding last night in the nick of time. (long story, but when I'm pregnant and the first year of my babies- I tend to do very little gardening....and my flower garden off my back porch was getting way out of control....)
So you see, even though my barometer was way low, I could see after I reflected on the weekend, that He was right there. Guiding us, helping us, and above all, just being with us. I just have to work on actually seeing it, when it happens. Not after. Again, work in progress.
So this morning. I jump out of bed at 5:41. For some reason, I'm in panic mode. It's as though my hubs had told me it was time to wake up and I fell back asleep for 20 minutes. Actually, it's so darn bright in our room, that when I do wake up, I feel like it should be 7:30 and my kids have missed this bus! So I jump up. Take my temp, see that it's climbed back up, feel somewhat reassured that while we didn't exactly "plan" this potential pregnancy (yes, I'm still looking for menopause), if it is a baby actually causing the high temps, my body is still working properly at this stage in the game.
I head downstairs and chat with my two older ones and eat breakfast with them. I then get on my computer to read my novena. I am actually doing more novenas now that i signed up for this email novena thing than I've ever.done.in.my.life. It's the novena to the Holy Spirit. (if you want to know what a Novena is, click here. http://www.catholic.org/news/hf/faith/story.php?id=36553
Day 4 is today. I'm just going to cut and paste it below because remember, I'm techno-unsavvy, ok?
Patience
Let us bow down in humility at the power and grandeur of the Holy Spirit. Let us worship the Holy Trinity and give glory today to the Paraclete, our Advocate.
Oh Holy Spirit, by Your power, Christ was raised from the dead to save us all. By Your grace, miracles are performed in Jesus’ name. By Your love, we are protected from evil. And so, we ask with humility and a beggar’s heart for Your gift of Patience within us.
Oh Holy Spirit, you give lavishly to those who ask. Please give us the patience of the Saints who are now with you in heaven. Help us to endure everything with an eternal patience that is only possible with your help.
Amen.
Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.
O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations, through Christ Our Lord,
Amen.
I read this (how did my font change to this? See what I'm sayin' about technology?) and was literally, quite taken aback. I pray for patience all the time and this time of my life especially, I've been praying for God to please let me relax and enjoy this period of our lives. It's.so.hard!
So I read this, and realized I still have hope! God showed me in this Novena that He still wants me to pray for patience. He knows I struggle with this area of my life. He's showing me that I can't stop praying for it. Ever! He has shown Himself to me again! If I would just slow down, relax, and look, I will see God in all places. He reveals Himself to me when I read scripture, when I attend Mass and receive His body and blood, when I am with my children and my husband, when I pray, when I am just sitting here. He gives me hope in all the best places. Even in the not so best places, I still see Him. He is there. I just have to open my eyes. In all the best places, He brings me hope.
I hope today, you see it for yourself as well. :)
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Finding the joy.....in everything?
Day 33.
No. I promise. I won't blog every other day during this interesting time in my life. If I do wind up really being pregnant, wouldn't that be something to the tune of about 140 blog posts and I'm pretty sure that 1) I don't have the desire to type that much, or 2) I think I would start seeing squirrels when I tried typing that much, or 3) someone in this house would risk being neglected....namely, my husband. :)
So, temp was 98.9 again today. Felt nauseous. Had some cramping. Decided to have an internal panic attack when said cramps started because I was at Wegmans and the thought of hemorrhaging at Wegmans isn't exactly on my top 10 things to do before I leave New York....
Let me explain my paranoia. I'll call it what it is. Anxiety induced paranoia. I'm no doctor, but I did, I swear to you, stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.
During the course of my awesome hubs and I trying for baby #6 (who is actually #10-four are in Heaven). We experienced an extremely painful period of our lives. Our first miscarriage had occurred after our 3rd little peanut turned 1. John Matthew. That was difficult. We had actually seen him at 6 weeks with a heart beat and moving around, just an amazing view of such a tiny little peanut of life. Three weeks later, I went in and had another ultrasound, and he had no heartbeat and wasn't much bigger than he was 3 weeks prior, indicating he didn't live much longer after we saw him. It was hard, but we managed.
After our 5th was born, we relocated to New York and the urge to try again was overwhelming. During the next three years, I would experience 3 more miscarriages. It was horrible. The last miscarriage was probably the biggest nightmare I could ever dream of happening. I had begun to miscarry at home, wound up hemorrhaging at home and passing out on the toilet the next morning. My husband rushed me to the hospital where they determined I still had part of the pregnancy still attached to the lining still producing quite a bit of blood. (I said earlier I was an anomaly). We decided to do an emergency D&C. It was once again, the most traumatic experience of my life. I didn't know what was worse, panicking every time a blood clot passed, wondering if I had "saved" my baby to bury, or lying on that bed anticipating the pregnancy truly being over after that surgery. I was a hot mess for many months.
A year later, we were blessed with our little Kiki. It was amazing. But during the pregnancy, it never failed that every single time I went to the bathroom, I anticipated blood. I couldn't stop myself. Literally. I would hold my breathe, wipe, and release my breathe.
Well, guess what I do now?
I immediately expect blood. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism that prevents me from just waiting and enjoying the time without my period (I've tried to convince my hubs this COULD be menopause). But panic sets in and breathe is held and then when no blood appears, breathe is exhaled.
A lack of faith? I suppose you could say that. I don't ever feel I completely trust my Father. It's something I struggle with daily. But I know my Father is only interested in the fact that I am trying. He knows how hard it is to be in this situation. I have no doubt, He cried tears with me during that difficult time. He loves life. He would never purposely snuff the life out of me. He is not a puppet master either. Yes, I do believe He can make miracles, but He also uses those things we can not explain, to help us grow deeper in our faith. I do believe I grew in my faith during that ordeal. I am more aware than ever just how fragile life is.
Anyway- see how I saw a squirrel? I was at Wegmans and the cramps were actually very mild, and I'm positive that some cramps when pregnant for the 11th time (that just sounds unreal) brings a bit of cramping to a uterus that has been "slightly' used. I'm trying to find the joy in everything. I'm trying to see the joy, that once again, God has blessed us with a potential life. A week from today I will know for certain. No I will not take a pregnancy test, I will just rely on my trusty thermometer and if my temp stays elevated, I can probably with certainty say I am and I will call the OB and see what they say. I am definitely in that, "geriatric" pregnancy age. You know the one. People gasp because at 40, 1 in 100 births are born with Down Syndrome, and age 45 1 in 30. Not to mention, the fact that most doctors will read you a plethora of other deformities, abnormalities, and maternal issues that will "likely" occur because I am so old.
Fortunately, my doctor is an NFP doctor. He might try to reassure me, and chuckle at my paranoia, but he knows how rock solid we believe all life is, and won't even offer a suggestion of what "could be" so we can "take care of" our little peanut.
So today, and this weekend, and until next Thursday, I am going to focus on finding the joy... in everything. The good and the bad.
Finding the joy.....
No. I promise. I won't blog every other day during this interesting time in my life. If I do wind up really being pregnant, wouldn't that be something to the tune of about 140 blog posts and I'm pretty sure that 1) I don't have the desire to type that much, or 2) I think I would start seeing squirrels when I tried typing that much, or 3) someone in this house would risk being neglected....namely, my husband. :)
So, temp was 98.9 again today. Felt nauseous. Had some cramping. Decided to have an internal panic attack when said cramps started because I was at Wegmans and the thought of hemorrhaging at Wegmans isn't exactly on my top 10 things to do before I leave New York....
Let me explain my paranoia. I'll call it what it is. Anxiety induced paranoia. I'm no doctor, but I did, I swear to you, stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.
During the course of my awesome hubs and I trying for baby #6 (who is actually #10-four are in Heaven). We experienced an extremely painful period of our lives. Our first miscarriage had occurred after our 3rd little peanut turned 1. John Matthew. That was difficult. We had actually seen him at 6 weeks with a heart beat and moving around, just an amazing view of such a tiny little peanut of life. Three weeks later, I went in and had another ultrasound, and he had no heartbeat and wasn't much bigger than he was 3 weeks prior, indicating he didn't live much longer after we saw him. It was hard, but we managed.
After our 5th was born, we relocated to New York and the urge to try again was overwhelming. During the next three years, I would experience 3 more miscarriages. It was horrible. The last miscarriage was probably the biggest nightmare I could ever dream of happening. I had begun to miscarry at home, wound up hemorrhaging at home and passing out on the toilet the next morning. My husband rushed me to the hospital where they determined I still had part of the pregnancy still attached to the lining still producing quite a bit of blood. (I said earlier I was an anomaly). We decided to do an emergency D&C. It was once again, the most traumatic experience of my life. I didn't know what was worse, panicking every time a blood clot passed, wondering if I had "saved" my baby to bury, or lying on that bed anticipating the pregnancy truly being over after that surgery. I was a hot mess for many months.
A year later, we were blessed with our little Kiki. It was amazing. But during the pregnancy, it never failed that every single time I went to the bathroom, I anticipated blood. I couldn't stop myself. Literally. I would hold my breathe, wipe, and release my breathe.
Well, guess what I do now?
I immediately expect blood. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism that prevents me from just waiting and enjoying the time without my period (I've tried to convince my hubs this COULD be menopause). But panic sets in and breathe is held and then when no blood appears, breathe is exhaled.
A lack of faith? I suppose you could say that. I don't ever feel I completely trust my Father. It's something I struggle with daily. But I know my Father is only interested in the fact that I am trying. He knows how hard it is to be in this situation. I have no doubt, He cried tears with me during that difficult time. He loves life. He would never purposely snuff the life out of me. He is not a puppet master either. Yes, I do believe He can make miracles, but He also uses those things we can not explain, to help us grow deeper in our faith. I do believe I grew in my faith during that ordeal. I am more aware than ever just how fragile life is.
Anyway- see how I saw a squirrel? I was at Wegmans and the cramps were actually very mild, and I'm positive that some cramps when pregnant for the 11th time (that just sounds unreal) brings a bit of cramping to a uterus that has been "slightly' used. I'm trying to find the joy in everything. I'm trying to see the joy, that once again, God has blessed us with a potential life. A week from today I will know for certain. No I will not take a pregnancy test, I will just rely on my trusty thermometer and if my temp stays elevated, I can probably with certainty say I am and I will call the OB and see what they say. I am definitely in that, "geriatric" pregnancy age. You know the one. People gasp because at 40, 1 in 100 births are born with Down Syndrome, and age 45 1 in 30. Not to mention, the fact that most doctors will read you a plethora of other deformities, abnormalities, and maternal issues that will "likely" occur because I am so old.
Fortunately, my doctor is an NFP doctor. He might try to reassure me, and chuckle at my paranoia, but he knows how rock solid we believe all life is, and won't even offer a suggestion of what "could be" so we can "take care of" our little peanut.
So today, and this weekend, and until next Thursday, I am going to focus on finding the joy... in everything. The good and the bad.
Finding the joy.....
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
What is there to Lose?
I am at day 31. Temp is a soaring 98.9. For those of you not familiar with how the sympto-thermal method works, the amazing body God created, works so scientifically it's almost borderline ridiculous for those who doubt. (Please don't take my math error into fact that NFP doesn't work-because it does- clearly-mathematical errors on the part of humans is what causes problems-not NFP itself) As the luteal phase winds down, the progesterone (if not with child) begins to sloff (yes, my word) off and as it does, your BBT (basal body temperature) begins to drop. Sometimes significantly, but definitely noticeably. As your temp (or BBT) drops, you can almost predict the day you will start- sometimes, as my temp drops, I begin to spot-which I do not count as the first day of my period- because it's just the temp dropping and the progesterone dropping-by now- my temp should be significantly lower. No where near what it is....
So day 31. 98.9. I'm almost 95% certain I am with child now. My heart gets this terribly sick, yet somewhat excited feeling now. Mostly over the dumb things I did prior to finding out with 95% certainty. The dental xray, the two amusement parks, the wine I consumed (which was only a glass each night for a few nights), and the overall irritation that I am an idiot when it comes to being a "believer."
I'll explain after I write how Day 31 reminds me of Proverbs 31.
So day 31. 98.9. I'm almost 95% certain I am with child now. My heart gets this terribly sick, yet somewhat excited feeling now. Mostly over the dumb things I did prior to finding out with 95% certainty. The dental xray, the two amusement parks, the wine I consumed (which was only a glass each night for a few nights), and the overall irritation that I am an idiot when it comes to being a "believer."
I'll explain after I write how Day 31 reminds me of Proverbs 31.
10Who can find* a woman of worth?a Far beyond jewels is her value. 11 Her husband trusts her judgment; he does not lack income. 12 She brings him profit, not loss,*all the days of her life. 13 She seeks out wool and flax and weaves with skillful hands. 14 Like a merchant fleet, she secures her provisions from afar. 15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household, a portion to her maidservants. 16 She picks out a field and acquires it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength; she exerts her arms with vigor.* 18 She enjoys the profit from her dealings; her lamp is never extinguished at night.* 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.* 20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. 21 She is not concerned for her household when it snows— all her charges are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing. 23 Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.* 24 She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come.* 26 She opens her mouth in wisdom; kindly instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over* the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband, too, praises her: 29 “Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.* 31 Acclaim her for the work of her hands,
and let her deeds praise her at the city gates.
OK. Today I clearly needed to read this verse for multiple reasons. One being that, God finds the job of "wifery" (hahaha-I made that up) an important one enough to have someone be inspired to write about it. He also finds the job as wife to be of sacrifice and important. The whole part of verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem. (I love poetry) I found this on the USCCB website about the poem:
An acrostic poem of twenty-two lines; each line begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. As with many other acrostic poems in the Bible, the unity of the poem is largely extrinsic, coming not from the narrative logic but from the familiar sequence of letters. The topic is the ideal woman described through her activity as a wife. Some have suggested that the traditional hymn extolling the great deeds of a warrior has been transposed to extol a heroic wife; the focus is on her exploits. She runs a household distinguished by abundant food and clothing for all within, by its trade (import of raw materials and export of finished products), and by the renown of its head, her husband, in the community. At v. 28, the voice is no longer that of the narrator but of her children and husband as they praise her. The purpose of the poem has been interpreted variously: an encomium to offset the sometimes negative portrayal of women in the book, or, more symbolically (and more likely), a portrait of a household ruled by Woman Wisdom and a disciple of Woman Wisdom, i.e., he now has a worthy wife and children, a great household, renown in the community.
Verse 18 struck me poignantly- 'her lamp is undimmed.' Which indicates her (the wife) abundance of productive work and it's accompanying prosperity. Sometimes as moms we have the tendency to believe our "work" is unproductive. Especially in comparison to those moms who work outside the home. I find, at least, that some days, I look around and see that I barely managed to keep the ship afloat. Sure, kids were fed, laundry was done, but there's sticky syrup on the floor, dust all over the furniture, and a trail of shoes from the garage door to the stairs. I see this as a failure in "keeping my home" instead of seeing it as another step in the productivity of raising my children.
Another favorite part is verse 17. 'She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.' Girt is a form of gird which means (one meaning) to prepare, to encircle, to provide= preparing for war, etc. In a sense, are we as moms constantly girding ourselves as we prepare for the next "disaster" at home, school, etc? Or even more, to survive in this culture of waste and disposal, aren't we constantly strengthening ourselves against the evil that our children are constantly tempted with? Our sturdy arms, holding our children, shielding them from the attack of evil and darkness, preventing the seeping darkness of our culture of death to harm or influence our children?
Another fav is verse 25. 'She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.'
I'm having a lot of trouble laughing at the days to come. This would be anxiety free attitude that now that I face the possibility of bringing another child into this world, is gone. I would LOVE to have no anxiety. God calls us to be anxious free daily. Doesn't He provide for the birds? Won't He take care of me and my family? Of course, it's not that. My anxiety and worry come from selfish pride that I all too often forget to check at the door of my prayers with my Father. I often just cry and say, "Why can't I be stronger?"
I do feel strong and I do try to stand with dignity. I am well aware of my many, many, MANY faults. I can probably guess my amazing husband would want me to throw another MANY in there, too. :)
But one of my serious issues is pride. Pride and selfishness. (but Catholicmomma- you have SIX children-how can you be selfish?) I've blogged about that before. My selfishness comes in many forms. (my husband would like to call them personalities, but for the sake of not sounding cray-zay-we'll call them forms.....)
Remember the ugly green monster blog I wrote? (cause I know y'all hang on my every word...)
Well, that ugly green monster is my pride. When I worry more about what others think of me, or what they say about me, or what they don't say to me- that's my pride. When I worry more about "fitting in" than standing out and being "a fool for Christ" that's my pride. When I worry more about how we'll be able to 'afford' all these kids, that's my pride. All of that interferes with my faith. All of that, shows others, that I might be a Christian, but it's in name only. I love Jesus- but when I worry and let my pride and selfishness shine through, I'm telling Him, I don't trust Him. I trust ME and ME has let me down....
Remember, last week- I wrote about how much I loved my faith that I was willing to be a FOOL for Christ? Well, just like the Christians before us, Peter denying Jesus, Thomas doubting Jesus, some people just completely turning away from Jesus when He said they had to actually physically EAT His flesh and DRINK His blood, I fall. Daily. Sometimes hourly. I hate it when I fall. I feel like such a failure when I do, but I know I have Jesus who came to save me. Save me from this terrible wretched life- so I could one day, be with Him in Heaven- and I will be judged- oh I'll be judged alrite. I truly believe that I will stand before my Savior, and He will ask me all about all the things I DID for Him AND all the things I DIDN'T do for Him.
Like now-
How am I standing up and proclaiming boldly, that Jesus Christ is in charge of my life, the life of my husband and the life of my children and we trust He will provide??
There very well could be a life growing inside of me. A human life. A living being. Right now, this is what potentially is happening to that living being: At four weeks pregnant, no less:
How your baby's growing:
This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until 10 weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.
Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.
The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.
Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby's red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.
Believe what you will about life. Believe it doesn't begin until birth, (which is just ridiculous if you've ever been around me and my extremely active, kicking babies in utero). Believe it's not human (which if it isn't, what the heck is it? Extraterrestrial???) But the fact that something is growing and changing at a constant rate, tells me this- it's A-L-I-V-E.
Period.
Be bold. Be a fool for Christ.
What is there to lose?
Thursday, May 22, 2014
I believe, Help my Unbelief....
I am notorious for being a cheerleader to my friends, family, and my children, shoot, even to complete strangers.... You name it. I see someone down and I immediately slip into my, "You can do this," mode. I am like that when friends are down about something, or my children have gotten hurt, or my husband is trying to decide on where to move us when we retire.... (ok, my WNY peepers- you've got us for awhile...)
But when it comes to myself? I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I suddenly go from "happy cheerleader, all is good, we can do this" to "whoa is me..." Most of the time, I deal with what ails me and move on. I am a continuous work in progress when it comes to trusting God and what He has in store for us and understanding consequences. There are consequences to every action. (Isn't this something we try to teach our children from day 1???)
So with that being said, I'm once again opening myself up to some serious raw exposure and risking some probably less than kind responses, but, I'm gonna "cheer" myself right out of this...
My husband and I are totally, completely, 100% open to life.
Translate: My husband and I do not use any form of artificial birth control, medication, products, etc, etc.
We do NFP (natural family planning) but even doing that, I'm not the most religious taker of my temp or charter of my charts. Which is why, at day 26, my temp is elevated to an amazingly high temperature and according to past charts, I should have started today. Now, I can always start on day 31, which is why I will not post this blog until then, or maybe until day 103 (random)because sometimes, my body is also an anomaly. Meaning, it needs an instruction manual according to my husband....
Of course, yesterday and today I have felt horrible, which, thankfully because of PMS, peri-menopause and a husband who has been out of town all week, this could indicate pregnancy, but it may not. I have researched my due date already, and have slowly begun to accept that fact that I may have misread my chart/cycle.
Now, let's go back three days ago when I first realized we may have been together during my fertile time....
I began to cry. Quite hysterically I might add. I had just received notice that we qualified for very little financial aid for the school I really wanted to send my oldest daughter, and was hormonal over my husband being gone. We have had an after school activity EVERY NIGHT SINCE HE LEFT.... I haven't exercised since Sunday so I'm feeling sluggish, but here is this chart looking seriously like a pregnancy and I hit panic mode.
The first words out of my mouth were, (selfishly so) "Oh God, why did I do this?" As though my love of my husband caused a great horrible scandal!! I felt terrible for feeling this way. I was angry and hated NFP, I wanted to move away because if the neighbors talk now, just IMAGINE what they'll say if they find out WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!!
And probably the worst thought in my head was, "What if there is something wrong with this baby?" I had this feeling of dread that we already played with fire having two babies after I turned 35 (one 4 days before I turned 40) And now this one would be due the month before I turned 42? Aren't I taking an unnecessary gamble with the life of a child?
You can probably see now what my husband deals with on a daily basis when I'm not freaking myself out over a "potential" pregnancy... Yes, feel sorry for him....He has his hands full...
I immediately felt terribly remorseful and cried even more to God saying I was sorry and how horrible He must think I am for even thinking such incredibly shallow thoughts. I also was determined not to let it occupy one more thought in my head at all...at least not until I took a pregnancy test, which I won't take until next week, because by then, I'll know something is up...
But when I spoke with my husband on the phone yesterday and revealed to him my concerns and let him know I was so sorry I was such a terrible miscalculator of math, he laughed and said, "Amy, one word comes to my mind. Twins. "
Well, once I almost threw up in my mouth and choked out a "hush it" I laughed and realized that God had made us the most amazing couple on earth. (yes, I am only comparing us to us...) My fears that he would be so upset were washed away. If I think I'M old, he's going to be 45 this year, and always worries about people telling our little Kiki at her high school graduation that her grandfather in the wheelchair is a sweetie -AKA my husbster.... He laughed and said he had a feeling I was fertile because he understands how the pill has almost completely ruined my sex drive and the only time I ever feel even the slightest bit frisky is when I'm absolutely fertile- well, here is where I screwed up- I didn't think I was feeling "frisky" I just thought it was a nice gesture as a wife..... haahahahaha. I know, TMI, TMI, but keeping it real folks....
In all seriousness, I talk the talk all the time. I tell people that every single one of our pregnancies were planned to the day, except the one I miscarried all the way back in 2004. My cycle is clockwork and as I've aged, my cycle has gotten weaker and weaker and I can tell I'm entering pre-menopause just with my charts- I even sat on a panel at my MOMs group and touted how amazing NFP is and how it causes you and your spouse to communicate and it's beautiful, HEALTHY, all-natural, etc, etc....
But as soon as I saw those high temps, I wanted to abandon ship.
I wanted to find that "easy" button and push it and shout to the world that I had had enough.
I was tired of "doing the right thing" because I know a million people who pop a pill, get a shot, use some kind of prophylactic and THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!! They certainly don't believe they're doing anything wrong!
But then it hit me. I know what my faith teaches. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ. I'm going to repeat that, because it's worthy of being repeated. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ.
Does that mean when the going gets tough, I get going? I jump ship? I get back on the bandwagon I was on so many years prior? All because I want something easy? I want to be in control? I don't want to be pregnant? I don't want to lose sleep? I don't want to be frugal with my finances? I don't want to be embarrassed to admit how many kids I have? I don't want to be overly burdened?
Reread that paragraph. Go ahead. I'll wait. 10 sentences. 10 words that stand out immediately. 10 things that made me stop in my tracks and realize something.
It's not about me.
Suddenly all the conversations I had with the priest at my parish all made sense. He would always tell me, "Amy, it's not about you."
I would sit there and try to think as deeply as him, but it was lost on me. Because I couldn't see past the hair on my nose (or in my nose I suppose, but I'm trying to type a serious blog today).
Sitting there, looking at my crazy chart, feeling sorry for myself, and having that "litany" of "I don'ts......." made me suddenly realize it's not about me.
I'm.not.in.charge.
And if I want to truly live that way, that includes, not being in charge (so to speak) of EVERYTHING, including my willingness to participate in the creation of new souls.
So whether or not I start my period next Tuesday (because that will be day 31 and I ALWAYS start by then) doesn't matter. What matters is, what does God want from me? Does He want me to see this as a burden? Does He want me to be in control and what exactly am I "in control" of? Does He want me to be more fiscally responsible with our money? Does He want me to be proud of beautiful children my husband and I have created with Him when people ask? Does He think I'm really "overly burdened?"
If I really trust Him, shouldn't I let this be a lesson to me? Not a "haha, you're in trouble" lesson. But a lesson in 'do as I say, AND as I do?'
I can't be a true disciple of my faith if I only say the words and don't actually follow them. I can't claim to be a true follower of Christ, if I'm not also willing to take up my cross as well. I am in awe once again of God's amazing grace. How He opened my eyes to this right before I fell into that trap of depression, anxiety, and worry.
He is in control. No life is found unworthy in His eyes. He loves us all and He will provide if we truly trust. Will He shower me with a solid 9 hours of sleep I've so desperately been seeking for over 14 years? Probably not, but my husband used to say something that really annoyed me when he would work over night and several days in a row without rest- "honey, I'll sleep when I'm dead." Not the most pleasant thought, but his words make sense. I'll sleep eventually, but holding onto the teaching moments that God gives me, is totally worth the sleeplessness. I will trust.
I will trust.
I will trust.
I will surrender to your Will, Lord. Help me surrender. I believe, Help my unbelief.
But when it comes to myself? I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I suddenly go from "happy cheerleader, all is good, we can do this" to "whoa is me..." Most of the time, I deal with what ails me and move on. I am a continuous work in progress when it comes to trusting God and what He has in store for us and understanding consequences. There are consequences to every action. (Isn't this something we try to teach our children from day 1???)
So with that being said, I'm once again opening myself up to some serious raw exposure and risking some probably less than kind responses, but, I'm gonna "cheer" myself right out of this...
My husband and I are totally, completely, 100% open to life.
Translate: My husband and I do not use any form of artificial birth control, medication, products, etc, etc.
We do NFP (natural family planning) but even doing that, I'm not the most religious taker of my temp or charter of my charts. Which is why, at day 26, my temp is elevated to an amazingly high temperature and according to past charts, I should have started today. Now, I can always start on day 31, which is why I will not post this blog until then, or maybe until day 103 (random)because sometimes, my body is also an anomaly. Meaning, it needs an instruction manual according to my husband....
Of course, yesterday and today I have felt horrible, which, thankfully because of PMS, peri-menopause and a husband who has been out of town all week, this could indicate pregnancy, but it may not. I have researched my due date already, and have slowly begun to accept that fact that I may have misread my chart/cycle.
Now, let's go back three days ago when I first realized we may have been together during my fertile time....
I began to cry. Quite hysterically I might add. I had just received notice that we qualified for very little financial aid for the school I really wanted to send my oldest daughter, and was hormonal over my husband being gone. We have had an after school activity EVERY NIGHT SINCE HE LEFT.... I haven't exercised since Sunday so I'm feeling sluggish, but here is this chart looking seriously like a pregnancy and I hit panic mode.
The first words out of my mouth were, (selfishly so) "Oh God, why did I do this?" As though my love of my husband caused a great horrible scandal!! I felt terrible for feeling this way. I was angry and hated NFP, I wanted to move away because if the neighbors talk now, just IMAGINE what they'll say if they find out WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!!
And probably the worst thought in my head was, "What if there is something wrong with this baby?" I had this feeling of dread that we already played with fire having two babies after I turned 35 (one 4 days before I turned 40) And now this one would be due the month before I turned 42? Aren't I taking an unnecessary gamble with the life of a child?
You can probably see now what my husband deals with on a daily basis when I'm not freaking myself out over a "potential" pregnancy... Yes, feel sorry for him....He has his hands full...
I immediately felt terribly remorseful and cried even more to God saying I was sorry and how horrible He must think I am for even thinking such incredibly shallow thoughts. I also was determined not to let it occupy one more thought in my head at all...at least not until I took a pregnancy test, which I won't take until next week, because by then, I'll know something is up...
But when I spoke with my husband on the phone yesterday and revealed to him my concerns and let him know I was so sorry I was such a terrible miscalculator of math, he laughed and said, "Amy, one word comes to my mind. Twins. "
Well, once I almost threw up in my mouth and choked out a "hush it" I laughed and realized that God had made us the most amazing couple on earth. (yes, I am only comparing us to us...) My fears that he would be so upset were washed away. If I think I'M old, he's going to be 45 this year, and always worries about people telling our little Kiki at her high school graduation that her grandfather in the wheelchair is a sweetie -AKA my husbster.... He laughed and said he had a feeling I was fertile because he understands how the pill has almost completely ruined my sex drive and the only time I ever feel even the slightest bit frisky is when I'm absolutely fertile- well, here is where I screwed up- I didn't think I was feeling "frisky" I just thought it was a nice gesture as a wife..... haahahahaha. I know, TMI, TMI, but keeping it real folks....
In all seriousness, I talk the talk all the time. I tell people that every single one of our pregnancies were planned to the day, except the one I miscarried all the way back in 2004. My cycle is clockwork and as I've aged, my cycle has gotten weaker and weaker and I can tell I'm entering pre-menopause just with my charts- I even sat on a panel at my MOMs group and touted how amazing NFP is and how it causes you and your spouse to communicate and it's beautiful, HEALTHY, all-natural, etc, etc....
But as soon as I saw those high temps, I wanted to abandon ship.
I wanted to find that "easy" button and push it and shout to the world that I had had enough.
I was tired of "doing the right thing" because I know a million people who pop a pill, get a shot, use some kind of prophylactic and THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!! They certainly don't believe they're doing anything wrong!
But then it hit me. I know what my faith teaches. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ. I'm going to repeat that, because it's worthy of being repeated. I believe so strongly in my faith, that I'm willing to look like a fool for Christ.
Does that mean when the going gets tough, I get going? I jump ship? I get back on the bandwagon I was on so many years prior? All because I want something easy? I want to be in control? I don't want to be pregnant? I don't want to lose sleep? I don't want to be frugal with my finances? I don't want to be embarrassed to admit how many kids I have? I don't want to be overly burdened?
Reread that paragraph. Go ahead. I'll wait. 10 sentences. 10 words that stand out immediately. 10 things that made me stop in my tracks and realize something.
It's not about me.
Suddenly all the conversations I had with the priest at my parish all made sense. He would always tell me, "Amy, it's not about you."
I would sit there and try to think as deeply as him, but it was lost on me. Because I couldn't see past the hair on my nose (or in my nose I suppose, but I'm trying to type a serious blog today).
Sitting there, looking at my crazy chart, feeling sorry for myself, and having that "litany" of "I don'ts......." made me suddenly realize it's not about me.
I'm.not.in.charge.
And if I want to truly live that way, that includes, not being in charge (so to speak) of EVERYTHING, including my willingness to participate in the creation of new souls.
So whether or not I start my period next Tuesday (because that will be day 31 and I ALWAYS start by then) doesn't matter. What matters is, what does God want from me? Does He want me to see this as a burden? Does He want me to be in control and what exactly am I "in control" of? Does He want me to be more fiscally responsible with our money? Does He want me to be proud of beautiful children my husband and I have created with Him when people ask? Does He think I'm really "overly burdened?"
If I really trust Him, shouldn't I let this be a lesson to me? Not a "haha, you're in trouble" lesson. But a lesson in 'do as I say, AND as I do?'
I can't be a true disciple of my faith if I only say the words and don't actually follow them. I can't claim to be a true follower of Christ, if I'm not also willing to take up my cross as well. I am in awe once again of God's amazing grace. How He opened my eyes to this right before I fell into that trap of depression, anxiety, and worry.
He is in control. No life is found unworthy in His eyes. He loves us all and He will provide if we truly trust. Will He shower me with a solid 9 hours of sleep I've so desperately been seeking for over 14 years? Probably not, but my husband used to say something that really annoyed me when he would work over night and several days in a row without rest- "honey, I'll sleep when I'm dead." Not the most pleasant thought, but his words make sense. I'll sleep eventually, but holding onto the teaching moments that God gives me, is totally worth the sleeplessness. I will trust.
I will trust.
I will trust.
I will surrender to your Will, Lord. Help me surrender. I believe, Help my unbelief.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
May Already????
I really have no idea where the time goes. March was really my last blog and there have been so many amazing, sad, incredible, boring, things that have happened to me, my family, the world, I just won't even bother to bore you with the updates.... ;)
The fact that it's already May 20th means many things. For one, there is one month of school left. Which also means, one month of homeschooling left. Alleluia! Now I'm not being sarcastic, or super duper excited, I'm just thrilled we've almost made through this half a year and we're both still alive!!! Ok, not that one of us wouldn't be alive, but of all my kiddos- this child that I home school, is the one MOST like me, and with all the bad of me shoved in one little being.... so that sometimes makes for some emotional class time....in more ways than one!! She's doing super and just the other day, her dad says to me, "I don't know how you've done it, but I've seen such an amazing change in her...." I can't take all the credit- I simply removed her from a bad situation, helped her to build up her confidence and encouraged her to be who God made her to be. Most of the time, children just need love, affirmation, and hugs and their wings spread without all that goofy school stuff jumbling it up.... :) Not that we've given up learning, mind you....
So on the home front, we literally have one month to go before, for the most part, schedules are thrown out the window. Praise the Lord! I am still praying about my oldest daughter. She is 14 and will be starting High school this fall and has been accepted at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo, which is really, really, really cool, but also really, really, really expensive for us ole southern folk with too many kiddos living in a really 'spensive state to budget realistically. I've been praying for that miracle that great Aunt JuJu Bug (yes, I'm aware that's from Skippy Jon Jones) will pass and leave us her small fortune left in her mattress, but until then, I'm praying like a mad woman.... I know she'll do fine wherever she attends, but my hearts desire is to see her happy with school once again. It's been a rough year for this sweet girl...And no need to remind or name names, but girls at this age, sometimes, just plain suck..... (I suppose boys can be too, but right now, girls are just.plain.mean....)
So.....if that old relative doesn't pass, or forgets to leave us her fortune, I am considering home schooling her as well. It's a daunting task, but she keeps asking. How can I refuse? She's such a sweet, good, girl and works so hard in all she does-I feel I have to give it a try!
The smallest peanut of the bunch turns 15 months next week and it just makes me so terribly sad and happy all the same when I see how big she is getting. She's doing so much and learning so much. She is a crazy picky eater, one day eating her weight in spaghetti and sauce and the next acting as though it's contaminated with kryptonite.... She's absolutely hysterical and makes us all laugh....the kids adore her and some treat her like their rag doll....needless to say, her arms are still in socket for now....
The only boy in the bunch has been doing marching band for the middle school and since you can't walk with a french horn, he plays the malaphone. It's actually like a gigantic swollen trumpet. Very cool. If I was technically talented, I would post a video of him practicing his march while playing, but since I'm seriously technically challenged, you'll have to pretend in your mind....
He's memorized all his pieces and sounds very cool. I'm very impressed with him.
The 8 year old had her end of the year piano recital last night. I get so darn emotional at those things. I want all my kids to play the piano and so far, not a single one of them has decided to stick with it- which is fine, all I ask for is two years of lessons, learning how to read music, and they've all decided to stick with their band instruments. Our house is quite the concert series at times. A flute, french horn, (now malaphone), clarinet, and piano. Wondering what the 8 year old will get for band next year. She would like drums.... hmmmm... not sure about that one....
The 5 year old is about to finish up Kindergarten. Talk about growing up. She's lost a ton of teeth and is getting so tall that she's losing that sweet baby face. Thankfully she wanted her hair cut short, so that kept her sweet baby face a while longer.... :)
I've read some really good books lately, too. 'Saint John Paul the Great' is phenomenal. I would recommend this book to anyone, Catholic or not, just to get a fresh reminder of what life was like when Germany was invading so many countries, including Poland, the death and destruction they inflicted.
I am currently reading a book by Scott Hahn titled, "Evangelizing Catholics." It's also a fantastic read. For those who know Scott Hahn writings, you know his writings can be a tad over me head- he's just theologically brilliant and knows scripture forwards, backwards, and sideways. This book, though, much like Rome Sweet Home, is an easy, understandable read. I have learned so much and made mental notes and physical notes all over the book! He's so spot on that in order for our faith to continue we must teach it to our children. He notes that parents are the FIRST AND FOREMOST catechists! I can't tell you how many times in all the years I've been married how many people have relied on religion classes, or Catholic schools to be their children's teacher. I even had a parent tell me, "I really don't know anything, so I know you'll teach them what they need to know..." I wish I had this book when they had said that!!! So many people decide because they "don't know" something, that they either don't try, or take a very standoffish attitude. I am very interested in learning how to re-evangelize parents (some evangelize for the first time!!) in regards to the sacraments because it breaks my heart in a million pieces when I see First Communion at my church (and really, at most churches these days). I am praying about a way to fit my love of the Eucharist into something that we can use for not only the children, but for parents as well.
Some how, we've got to make a head to heart connection....somehow. :)
Hopefully it won't be two more months before I blog again.... :)
The fact that it's already May 20th means many things. For one, there is one month of school left. Which also means, one month of homeschooling left. Alleluia! Now I'm not being sarcastic, or super duper excited, I'm just thrilled we've almost made through this half a year and we're both still alive!!! Ok, not that one of us wouldn't be alive, but of all my kiddos- this child that I home school, is the one MOST like me, and with all the bad of me shoved in one little being.... so that sometimes makes for some emotional class time....in more ways than one!! She's doing super and just the other day, her dad says to me, "I don't know how you've done it, but I've seen such an amazing change in her...." I can't take all the credit- I simply removed her from a bad situation, helped her to build up her confidence and encouraged her to be who God made her to be. Most of the time, children just need love, affirmation, and hugs and their wings spread without all that goofy school stuff jumbling it up.... :) Not that we've given up learning, mind you....
So on the home front, we literally have one month to go before, for the most part, schedules are thrown out the window. Praise the Lord! I am still praying about my oldest daughter. She is 14 and will be starting High school this fall and has been accepted at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo, which is really, really, really cool, but also really, really, really expensive for us ole southern folk with too many kiddos living in a really 'spensive state to budget realistically. I've been praying for that miracle that great Aunt JuJu Bug (yes, I'm aware that's from Skippy Jon Jones) will pass and leave us her small fortune left in her mattress, but until then, I'm praying like a mad woman.... I know she'll do fine wherever she attends, but my hearts desire is to see her happy with school once again. It's been a rough year for this sweet girl...And no need to remind or name names, but girls at this age, sometimes, just plain suck..... (I suppose boys can be too, but right now, girls are just.plain.mean....)
So.....if that old relative doesn't pass, or forgets to leave us her fortune, I am considering home schooling her as well. It's a daunting task, but she keeps asking. How can I refuse? She's such a sweet, good, girl and works so hard in all she does-I feel I have to give it a try!
The smallest peanut of the bunch turns 15 months next week and it just makes me so terribly sad and happy all the same when I see how big she is getting. She's doing so much and learning so much. She is a crazy picky eater, one day eating her weight in spaghetti and sauce and the next acting as though it's contaminated with kryptonite.... She's absolutely hysterical and makes us all laugh....the kids adore her and some treat her like their rag doll....needless to say, her arms are still in socket for now....
The only boy in the bunch has been doing marching band for the middle school and since you can't walk with a french horn, he plays the malaphone. It's actually like a gigantic swollen trumpet. Very cool. If I was technically talented, I would post a video of him practicing his march while playing, but since I'm seriously technically challenged, you'll have to pretend in your mind....
He's memorized all his pieces and sounds very cool. I'm very impressed with him.
The 8 year old had her end of the year piano recital last night. I get so darn emotional at those things. I want all my kids to play the piano and so far, not a single one of them has decided to stick with it- which is fine, all I ask for is two years of lessons, learning how to read music, and they've all decided to stick with their band instruments. Our house is quite the concert series at times. A flute, french horn, (now malaphone), clarinet, and piano. Wondering what the 8 year old will get for band next year. She would like drums.... hmmmm... not sure about that one....
The 5 year old is about to finish up Kindergarten. Talk about growing up. She's lost a ton of teeth and is getting so tall that she's losing that sweet baby face. Thankfully she wanted her hair cut short, so that kept her sweet baby face a while longer.... :)
I've read some really good books lately, too. 'Saint John Paul the Great' is phenomenal. I would recommend this book to anyone, Catholic or not, just to get a fresh reminder of what life was like when Germany was invading so many countries, including Poland, the death and destruction they inflicted.
I am currently reading a book by Scott Hahn titled, "Evangelizing Catholics." It's also a fantastic read. For those who know Scott Hahn writings, you know his writings can be a tad over me head- he's just theologically brilliant and knows scripture forwards, backwards, and sideways. This book, though, much like Rome Sweet Home, is an easy, understandable read. I have learned so much and made mental notes and physical notes all over the book! He's so spot on that in order for our faith to continue we must teach it to our children. He notes that parents are the FIRST AND FOREMOST catechists! I can't tell you how many times in all the years I've been married how many people have relied on religion classes, or Catholic schools to be their children's teacher. I even had a parent tell me, "I really don't know anything, so I know you'll teach them what they need to know..." I wish I had this book when they had said that!!! So many people decide because they "don't know" something, that they either don't try, or take a very standoffish attitude. I am very interested in learning how to re-evangelize parents (some evangelize for the first time!!) in regards to the sacraments because it breaks my heart in a million pieces when I see First Communion at my church (and really, at most churches these days). I am praying about a way to fit my love of the Eucharist into something that we can use for not only the children, but for parents as well.
Some how, we've got to make a head to heart connection....somehow. :)
Hopefully it won't be two more months before I blog again.... :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)