Last night I think the last almost 10 weeks finally caught up to me. All my worries, fears, anxiety issues, health issues all decided in one fell swoop to completely melt down together. I mean, literally, I became a big ball of tears and cried like a baby to the most awesome, gorgeous, husband I could ever be blessed with. It seems, according to my amazing husband, that I've been extremely tense the last 5 weeks (that would be about the time I realized I might be going through menopause (aka potential pregnancy). I think it was providential this message came to me when it did.
God made that amazing man just for me. I know He has molded our relationship together and knitted it so strongly against the forces of evil that I have no doubt this man will love me until the day he dies.
He's been a trooper through my mental issues lately but it's been getting worse- for multiple reasons. The nausea, the bloated 5 month looking belly I have, the lack of certain little humans who live in this house with us who never help me pick up or put up things, the thought of other people finding out we're pregnant, losing this baby, you name it, my worries were stacking up. Big time. No faith here. Totally forgetting about God and all He has done for me and completely just trusting in myself. That always works. You'd think I'd remember that it.really.doesn't.
Well, last night, we came to a massive blow up. No yelling and screaming, but he was very truthful to me about what my crazy was doing to the rest of the family, most especially him. I was making him get upset. He doesn't like to get upset and especially doesn't like to get upset with me. I was at a breaking point myself and finally, when he voiced his concerns for me, our relationship, our family, I lost it! I'm guessing it was 10 weeks of tears falling over every little concern, fear, anxiety I've felt this entire time. He told me how much he loved me and how I was his best friend in the whole world and how I needed some girlfriend time desperately. (he's right- I've not seen my friends in weeks).
But what most of all came from the meltdown was the fact I was able to put into words all my fears and say them out loud. Sometimes I think holding my fears, concerns, thoughts inside can begin to weigh me down and drag me to a point of no return. I was definitely on that path.
I cried the hardest when I admitted how pathetic I felt about worrying what others will say about us. The worst thing I worry about is what others will think. As though the hateful, misguided, totally unfiltered words of others determine who I am. He said, "Who cares?" I really think it was a pivotal moment for me. Why do I care what others will say? Why does it bother me that people will say anything at all? Good grief- people have been saying cruel (and at times extremely cruel things) since we started this journey. Why would finding out we're having another baby now make it any different?
Not a thing.
People are going to talk. They're going to laugh. Shoot, they're going to condemn. (already been there done that one a few babies ago, so really shouldn't be too surprised when it does come).
But I guess I've always been someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I don't like to be made fun of and I certainly don't like knowing people are going to talk, and probably behind my back as they shake their heads in dismay and speak about how sad it is I've let myself get pregnant and what is our Earth to do with all the already unwanted children, and how can we keep feeding people who are starving when people like me keep reproducing, and what about that huge carbon print I'm leaving that will continue the global warming, or cooling, or climate change, or whatever trendy word they come up with next because they can't really explain how that hole in the ozone hasn't changed, and oops, might have always been there comments.....
It makes my heart hurt thinking I'm causing scandal. I don't want to be the reason people gossip. Gossip is sin. Talking about others in an unkind manner and saying things about a person you could never say to their face is extremely wrong. I am guilty of it myself, so the fact that I'm now a cause of it, hurts my heart. I don't want others to be negative. I don't know why people feel it's their duty to explain things to me and tell me how they could never have more than two children, as though it would be impossible for anyone ELSE in this world to have more than two children. I sometimes forget the whole "fool for Christ" thing and I let things get to me and I get upset.
I have to let these things go. And remind myself of what is most important.
There's a little human person growing inside of me who is over one inch long and growing and changing so rapidly now that I can't wait to meet. That is what is important.
The people who say the ugly things (like my eye doctor who said, "Can I give you some advice? Keep your legs together?" I imagine he's never been sued before, or he might learn some socially acceptable behavior...) are really not important. The people who stare and laugh and make jokes about how we haven't figured out what causes this? Are not important. The people who make themselves feel better for whatever reason by poking fun at us? Are not important.
What is important?
This little peanut, silently growing, heartbeat strong, causing my body to morph and change (yes, compression stockings, sea bands, early maternity wearing me) as he/she is knitted in my womb.
The only person I need to be worried about is a Divine God of the Universe. Who knit me in my mother's womb and is now working on me as a potter does with clay. Forming me into the person He created me to be. Praising and rejoicing at my willingness to be a fool for Him. Surrounding me with good and holy people that make me want to be a good and holy person. Giving me the words of Eternal life and the Bread of Eternal Life.
That's what is important.
I came across this blog this morning as I perused my facebook page when it was super quiet and no one was up. This mom is here in WNY and quite frankly, is one of the most hilarious bloggers in the world. I laugh almost every time I read her, except when she's saying serious stuff, but even then I laugh because she manages to put such a funny spin on things- she's very inspiring and makes me feel as though I'm not alone in this massive world where people who worship an invisible God and believe He created this incredible Universe are not deemed as crazy. Anyway, her post today made me smile and I know it was a grace to stumble upon it today after all my mental mess last night....
Mama Knows Honey Child