What do your Demons look like?

Because we all have them..... that attachment to sin.  That conscious choice to choose wrong from right... Mine come in many forms.... I've blogged before about the ugly green monster- the jealousy I struggle with. Gossip is another one.  Little did I know that even discussing another person period is apparently considered gossip.  No wonder my friends don't talk to me much anymore!! But my 40 days during Lent, I did a pretty good job of letting go of that vice....not that I won't fall off many more times...but I am, as I have stated before, a work in progress.

But we all have those things that drag us down.  Pull us under.  Allow us to sit and stew in our juices of whatever....envy, sloth, despair, etc.  I have allowed it to almost make me feel obsolete in many ways.  Over one silly comment someone made years ago- but I still hear that comment in my head as though it's said freshly, every single day.

That is how the enemy works.....tearing us down, one comment after another...

I allow that demon to bring me down, make me feel inferior.  Make me feel that I can not measure up up to even the smallest of standards in my faith or with others of my faith....It's really a horrible place to be, I find myself retreating to my home and staying there for longer and longer periods even when I know I need to be out.  I find that the more I think about it, the more it surrounds every thought and moment of my day...It's almost as if there is a power holding me down, physically at times!

But this week is Easter.  And I'm trying with all my heart to tell those demons to get lost....to really embrace what it means for Christ to have conquered death...it's so hard, though.  The daily grime of life and the influences of society and culture can really lead us down very dark and disparaging roads...

I am reminded of a piece of art in the Vatican Museum.  I was privileged to be able to afford a trip to Rome three years ago and the Vatican Museum is just FULL of amazing artwork.  Art is how we communicate.  Before the bible was translated and even put together, beautiful art work hung and lived on the walls in the churches.  But before I get off on another squirrel tangent, there is a piece of art that is on the ceiling in the museum.  I'll try to find a picture of it to put on here...

This is the ceiling at the museum.

You really have to sit down and look up to get a great view of this painting right smack dab in the middle of the ceiling.  Which we did.  For a while.  

This is a close up of the painting

I've read various accounts of the meaning behind the portrait and how it was shameful that an emperor would commission Christians to destroy Roman statues, etc, but seriously, I'm fairly certain the meaning behind this picture is completely lost on people who view it as a travesty to destroy Roman statues....Roman statues- seriously- the Roman Empire?  Anyone remember anything about the Roman Empire?  Hello fellow Christians!  They persecuted Christians.... this picture (painted by Raphael -who is subsequently buried in the Pantheon in Rome)is a fresco (which frescos are a type of painting done on the walls and flash photography and light can actually (and have) damage the pictures-which is why in the Sistine Chapel you are not allowed to take pictures of the paintings (oddly enough, people are still disrespectful)...but this picture symbolizes the Christian faith- outliving the Roman Empire- that Christ, on the Cross, defeated not only sin and death, but proved that His Kingdom would outlive earthly Empires!  The Roman Empire being the first! 

So this giant piece of artwork.  It reminds me  of what it's all about.  What Christ truly did for all of us.  Me included.  It's so hard at times to really believe He would do that for someone like me- even reading one of my favorite stories, the Prodigal Son, and seeing what a mess that son made of his life, and knowing God took him back- with open arms- I still struggle with accepting that He could do the same for me and I don't think I've done NEAR what the prodigal son did...I'm more like the selfish older brother..... 'why does HE get the fatten calf?  Am I not constantly trying to do the right thing?  Wah, wah, wah, wah.'   

Yea.  That's me....

So these demons that speak softly to my mind about how messed up I am and how messed up I'm making my kids and why even bother and blah blah blah, you don't measure up to anyone, why not just give up.......keep harassing me.... 

I just don't understand why.  I do understand that the harder we try to live good lives of holiness and pass on our faith to our children, the harder the evil one wants to discourage us.  I get very tired of people who try to discredit evil.  I watched a movie about Padre Pio a few weeks ago, he's always been one of my favorite saints, but that movie?  It assured me that the devil is real, he sends evil to everyone and those who live lives of complacency?  Perhaps are just not as bothered by them because they could care less about religion, faith, and eternity with God.  It's not important to them, so in a sense, they're already in the corner with evil.  

But why is there this darkness?  I pray.  I  know I don't pray like I should. I sometimes get so down on myself because people tell me to pray the Rosary, pray Novenas, pray chaplets, blah blah blah and I start, I try, but I never finish. I never do it.... I used to pray the Rosary daily.  I used to pray the 15 prayers of St. Bridget DAILY!  For YEARS!!  I used to get the kids to sit down before bedtime and we'd rattle off a rosary together as well....

But now?  

Nothing like that.  

I guess I shouldn't say nothing like that.  I do try to pray with my husband daily.  We try to read the readings for Mass and the reflections and read about the saints for the day and the bible verse for the day.... 

I engage in constant conversation with my Lord.  And it's not always the pleading, "Dear Lord, if you don't rescue me from these tiny terrorists, someone is going to be in very big trouble...."

I talk to Him throughout the day.  constantly.  Probably almost annoyingly.  I talk to Padre Pio.  (I swear he hears me...)  I talk to lots of saints.  I now talk to Mother Angelica.  

But I don't do a lot of the formal prayer anymore, not consistently and it's been making me feel I'm a loser of a faith person.  The demon is using that against me!  

Here is what I hear:

"You don't pray the Rosary  like so and so.  They go sit in the Adoration chapel for 12 hours a day and pray nothing but the Rosary.  You're a loser..."

"Can't finish that Novena?  hahahahaha.  You suck, you faith filled wanna be...."

"You mean you don't pray this for so and so? Why even bother with yourself??"

I am NOT kidding!!  I really do hear these voices!   Ok, the 12 hours in adoration might be an exaggeration, but you get the point....

I am getting to the point that I don't even trust myself to evangelize to others!   My Jehovah friends, for instance.  My husband got so mad at their "propaganda, anti-Catholic thought" that he yelled them out of our house and they haven't been back!!!  I kept saying I was just grooming them to feel comfortable, but truth is, every time they came, I begged God to give me something, ANYTHING to tell them that would have them recognize the errors  in their translations, but nothing came....

That was back in SEPTEMBER!!!

I've not seen them since....

So I have to wonder why this evil continues to drag me down!  Why can't I just wake up, pain free, dark voice free, and go on with my life....

It's not as clear as one would think....

Dark times happen to lots of people and apparently, Mother Theresa was plagued with it almost her entire life.  I should feel better that I'm in good company, but in the same breathe, I don't.  I'm not Mother Theresa!  I'm only charged with caring for seven little minions and one amazing super hero husband and I'm not doing that entirely well, either! 

I thought when my superhero hubs and I decided that we would stick it out in snowland for at least another 10 years or so, that I would experience a sense of peace. Ahhh, I thought....  This is our home, this is where we will be for a while, let's get to work and get some things done and enjoy it.  But instead?  I feel even more lost and confused.  I've been second guessing our decision daily, and questioning whether or not this is really where God wants us....

I mean, who doesn't like a place where it's  cold 9 months out of the year....

Ok, not really.  But the lack of bugs and spiders does make it a nice choice.....

So why this unrest?  I really have no idea.  I get so angry with myself and pray even harder for God to remove this yuck from my brain, but it's still there.  Like an Eeyore cloud, following me everywhere I go and I hate it!   Sad people, I'm talking about the people you have to cheerlead from sun up to sun down, suck the life out of people.  I can't handle it at times.  I had to sever a friendship a decade ago because the person could just.not.find.anything. to be happy for or about!  I was becoming as negative as her and my husband said, "enough is enough....please remove yourself from her presence...."   

So here I am.... almost like her!!  I do try to not let it leak out.  I save it up for my husband, who reminds me that I must learn to seek joy even in the yuck because I affect my family.  When I'm dark, the Eeyore cloud is over all of us.  Me, my husband, and my kids... It's not fair to them....

So, I have no answers today.  I have no light, or clue, or anything.  I do see sunshine.  Finally.  It's beautiful outside.  Albeit cold.  So I'll hold onto the sunshine.  I'll hold on to the conversations I have with all my saints in Heaven and with Jesus.  He can put up with my crazy better than anyone...

Blessings this Easter Day 2 to all of you.....

My friend....