Of pregnancy that is....
Come on- I'm not that negative to start dwelling on Christ's second coming- besides- He even tells us we know neither the time nor the hour of His return and quite frankly, don't I have enough on my plate to worry about, then to spend time dwelling on the end of the world? I only have to read the news, or turn on my computer or TV to see how horrible things are. Sometimes I actually think the end of the world has GOT to be better than what is going on these days.... Seriously.
End of Pregnancy.
I need to really get back to my Satire book about pregnancy over 40. It's been rather comical over here as far as the "fun" things that go on while one's body 'prepares' itself for it's 7th birth. And by preparing, I mean that I'm 38 weeks and I've been "preparing" for almost a month now with all the little annoying things that my body does to torture-er, I mean, prepare for this precious peanut to arrive.
Contractions. Sometimes we call them Braxton Hicks, sometimes false labor, sometimes I call it just plain old torture to the belly so that I have to stop in my tracks, catch my breath and try to move on, pain....
I've been having braxton hicks since about 16 weeks? It usually starts that early. Just my uterus' way of letting me know it appreciates all I've done to keep it young and working continuously as I enter "old" age. Such a gem it is.
Braxton hicks are supposedly not supposed to hurt. HA. Tell that to my body. They hurt. And have hurt for at least 5 of my 7 babies. Now that I'm getting closer? They hurt even worse. And no, they don't stop when I get up, move around, change positions. EVER. They are pure torture as I time them and wait to see if they ever add up to every 5 minutes apart. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Never.....
Bowel cleansing. I was actually trying to come up with some catchy phrase to describe a pretty disgusting thing our pregnant bodies can do. Some might find it fascinating, I know I would if it WASN'T me, but for now- my body decides every few days to do a cleansing. And no, I didn't drink any fruit/veggie drink to start it- just my body's way of cleaning things out so I don't do anything too disgusting on the birthing table. (yes, go ahead-you guessed it-it can happen and NO I DON'T know if I ever have and don't WANT to know if I ever have, thank you). So today is day two in a ROW of a super special extra deep cleansing. As if I ate something two nights in a row to deserve those awful episodes either morning!!!
Loss of bladder function. Now, I know I've complained about my "leaky" bladder. The laugh, cough, held too long and barely made it to the bathroom events. Going on my THIRD box of pantiliners (yes, they contain anywhere from 150-200 liners in a box-on my THIRD!!)
Well, now that the baby has dropped into the "zone" my bladder has decided it no longer needs to work EVER. Cough? Shoot-it only takes a braxton hick contraction, and standing up to make that little sucker drain itself. And if they baby gets a hold of it? Well, if there is any liquid in it, it's emptied as well. Have you ever felt like the baby was using it as a calming ball to squeeze out his/her tension? Yes, that's how it feels. I promise.
Speaking of baby getting into the zone- Lightening. And I don't mean the kind that strikes right before the sound of it thunders outside. I'm talking about the baby descending into the birth canal. And as it descends, supposedly people can breathe better. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. I can't put ENOUGH Haha's there to describe my absolute disgust at the idea that people can actually EVER breathe better with a 40 pound bowling ball weighing them down. Because once this baby descended into the birth canal- not only did my breathing get worse, but now my skin is starting to do a little split action. Could I really potentially deliver this through my skin without the c-section surgical incision? It's a question I've pondered more than not lately.
Insane nerve pain. So this baby is down, skin being pulled on, muscles being dragged further down and I'm breathing worse than I ever was and not only that, but now, because the baby is so down low, I have this new searing pain that seems to be deep on both sides of the inside of either thigh. Almost as if the baby's head (or maybe his/her hands) are squishing every single nerve ending known to man in my lower pelvic region. So much so that when I stand up, I literally make this deep, gurgling sound as I attempt to not fall over in pain because the nerves are freshly pulled on when gravity takes over. It's amazingly painful. Amazingly! And of course, not the first time I've felt this. So I know it's normal. I have had that issue since baby number 1! When my doctor was convinced that the beautiful 5'11" daughter I have now was a tiny peanut until her 8 pounds 15 ounces finally came out....
Pelvic Pressure. I'm not sure who came up with that phrase, but I'm thinking it's a facade for what is really happening. It's more like, your pelvic can possibly withstand a certain amount of pressure for an extended length, but trust us when we tell you that it will feel like it could snap in half if you stand for any extended amount of time (10 minutes?) or try walking faster than a turtle at the zoo. Snap.in.half. I don't know the number of pelvic bones that have been broken during pregnancy, but I imagine that if you could see my pelvic bone- I promise, it would be bending right now. BENDING....
I could seriously go on, but there is a certain almost 2 year old who has decided it doesn't matter because if I don't feed her lunch in the next 5 minutes she will hit decibels that could do serious hearing damage.
Enjoy your Friday and Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. Blessings~
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