|This is so me.....|
I think there is something wrong with me. I'm fairly certain there is. Matter of fact, I could probably google my symptoms and find an actual disease that would fit the description of what is wrong with me.
I think I'm crazy! I don't think it. I know it. So it's January now. Can you believe it? The birth month. It's also the month we have to decide once again if the list we're on to retire to is really what we want.
Do I want to move back down to heat, tornado, bug and spiderville?
Do I want to stay in snow, insane tax, and terrible driver town?
I really feel like my reasons are shallow for moving or staying. For one thing, I have found it extremely difficult to find friends in the actual town I live in. I don't mean good people I wave to and say hi to. I mean good, solid, I can trust you with my darkest, secret friends. I have several good friends at Church in another town (that's a story for another blog) but it would be nice to find someone down here who might either understand my crazy, or at least accept it.
And I am crazy.
So am I wanting to move for my own selfish reasons? Thinking if I have another opportunity to "start over" someone will want to be my friend? That my crazy (which is a long list of issues) won't suddenly come out one day and I find myself in the exact same boat I'm in now?
If we stay here am I just hiding from the fact that I am too afraid to find new friends? Because every time I actually expose my crazy to anyone it causes them to run the opposite way? Perhaps. I have a few friends that I can candidly laugh with about our crazy issues, but for me, it's so much deeper than that.
I know that my views on most everything are quite old fashioned. I actually believe in and trust a sometimes labeled "archaic" church. I worry about what others think of me for some strange and bizarre reason. I tend to speak my mind and offend most anyone in a 20 mile radius of me. I am a fierce protector of my children and will do whatever it takes to keep them shielded for as long as possible before exposing them to the crap of the real world (despite being told often how dangerous that is for me to do).
I don't like how I feel sometimes. I wish I was braver, stronger, and less afraid of offending people. I wish I could stand tall and hold my head high and stand for what I believe in, but most often, I try, and wind up cowering in my corner of the ring. Assured that once again, I have offended someone because of something I've said or done.
So there in a nutshell is what is wrong with me. And why I battle with my reasons for moving and not retiring at our current location. Won't my crazies follow me wherever I land? Aren't I just putting off the inevitable?
(sheesh, my poor husband and all he deals with)
So today being January 1st, means I once again have to battle in my head about where we should permanently plant our family. I have prayed, begged, even cried for God to just PLEASE drop me a note, but so far, just as in other ways He answers me, it's been very quiet. So I can assume that means there probably isn't a right or wrong answer here. I just have to decide and be happy with that decision.
And I really need to learn to be more confident in myself. I am who I am. I have come such a long way in my life, my faith journey and who I am now compared with who I was just 20 years ago. (hard to believe I was only 21 that long ago....). I need to realize that if I can't find the joy in where I am, I have no one to blame but me. Perhaps that needs to be my New Year's Resolution. Finding the joy in exactly where God has me.
But it sure would be nice to find some friends to share my crazy with that didn't live 1000 miles away.... :)
Pray for me.....