And here goes:
As my amazing husband revealed to me Saturday after spending a better portion of the day not speaking to anyone because it would at least keep me from saying anything that might appear to make people think I'm grouchy, cranky, irritable, angry, whatever adjective you want to interject there that stands for 'not handling things' best, I am still not quite over the shock of this pregnancy.
I'll explain. As I've said before, I am a planner. I plan to the T in most things. From menus, budgets, activities, to everyday life. I plan. I consider myself to be extremely open to life, I don't contracept at all and in fact have seen just what contraception can do to you physically, so I will never take, attach, or use anything ever again as long as I live. Period. Not to mention the side effect of it not be what God wants in a marriage, but I digress. I have always considered myself pro-life since rediscovering my faith and seeing how amazing the creation of life is scientifically speaking alone. I have always wanted a large family.
I was not prepared to have another baby. I was not prepared mentally, physically I was just getting back into my old clothes, emotionally I was just recovering from the hormones that like to reek havoc on my mentality, and quite frankly, financially I knew we were about as tight as tight could be. One of the many things the church teaches is that a couple must come to the decision of postponing or planning a pregnancy according and there is nothing wrong with postponing because of finances, or mental health. In fact, the Church encourages couples to communicate these concerns to one another because the last thing they want is a couple in distress because of a pregnancy. It should be a time of joy and of course trust, but sometimes, there are circumstances in our lives that warrant us to refrain during fertile times because of these moments of distress. I'm certainly not saying I was in any kind of distress at that moment, but had I realized that my fertility was actually back on track and not a train wreck (because I had abandoned my charting/temperature/exterior observations) I probably would have communicated my fears of another child much sooner.
I don't doubt God will take care of us, and that's certainly not what I'm saying. I don't doubt that all of what we need will be provided for, that's not what I'm saying either. But this pregnancy came as an utter shock to me. I love babies. I LOVE LOVE LOVE holding babies. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE watching my belly move and feeling tee tiny feet, hands, heels, arms, legs, booties, move across, or jump, or hiccup, or just push out when I gently push in. I love life. I love pregnancy, mostly, minus a few things that tend to stop working correctly the older you get, but I was not prepared and there's nothing wrong with how I feel. I have been terrified of what others would say to me or about me once they found out I actually had thoughts that didn't coincide with my pro-life world. Thankfully, thoughts are not sins....
To say the least, it's given me more compassion for those women who are faced with unwanted pregnancies. I feel a ton more compassion, especially for those who have zero support systems because quite frankly, without the support of my husband, I'm not sure where I would be today, other than the nut house.
That's really, really, really hard for me to admit. I don't ever want people to think a mother of such a large family can't handle things. I feared that would give people the ammo they needed to attack people being open to large families. Not to mention, the hateful comments to follow in regards to how to "take care of things," or "prevent that from happening again," on top of what already bombard us on a daily basis. Mostly from complete strangers once you admit that 'no, I'm not carrying my first, or second....' is revealed.
I don't want people yelling in my face that this is the reason a woman should be given a choice should she "encounter" an unwanted pregnancy.
Well, I disagree. Because the "choice" came when she chose to have sex, and unfortunately, people have let society separate the act of sex from meaning just what it should mean= union between man and woman that could lead to the creation of a baby. Unitive and procreative. You can't separate the two, no matter how old, young, fertile, infertile, Catholic, Baptist, Atheist, or whatever you are. This is what naturally occurs when zero UNnatural action occurs. How God intended it.
I haven't spoken to many at all about these thoughts and pretty much kept it between just a few close friends and my confessor. Who, by the way, is an amazing human being. Nailed it pretty much as soon as I went to confession-my guilt over how I feel about life and how I've reacted to THIS life that surprised me-which helped in my healing so tremendously, but clearly I am still dealing with guilt I've brought on myself.
Hence, why this weekend was such an emotional roller coaster. I am dealing with the constant pain of veins, the new pain of a lower back issue, and of course the ever annoying constipation, tiredness, shortness of breath, low blood pressure, inability to do much for very long without having to stop and be done for the day (which having a large household doesn't really work!!!) I suppose it just got to me and I let it take over my brain and evil Dr. Crazy woman came out in full force.
I don't know how my amazing husband deals with me on a daily basis. He's truly a saint in the making. I once again, let my prayer life go to the toilet and was relying on my unreliable self to solve my problems, which after 41 years you would think I would have learned something by now about that not working.....
I got angry. I was in such pain. I was tired of feeling alone. I was tired of feeling as though there was no one I could talk to.
Once again, I crawled into my closet, shut the door, and cried my eyes out until there weren't any tears left in my head. Plenty of snot, though.... ;)
So much sadness seems to overwhelm us at every corner of our world. From horrible diseases, to horrible people doing horrible things to others, to horrible politics, to horrible translations of faith. I just felt at that moment in my closet, like I was defeated and couldn't wrap my head around why God was allowing us to bring yet ANOTHER child into this toxic world.
At the end of the day, still in my closet, completely drained and feeling as though the world would be better off without one more crazed nut job if I just stayed here forever, my husband crawled over to the me in the closet and we had the most beautiful conversation ever.
Ladies-this is what marriage should be.
Gentlemen? take note. This is the man you should strive to be like.
He spoke gently, and he spoke truthfully, and he told me he loved me every other sentence. He told me he's known since the onset of this pregnancy that I haven't yet gotten over the shock. It still causes me great consternation and perhaps, fear, worry, and he knows how painful my pregnancy was with #6, so he knows how much it hurts me to be pregnant. He also knows how I battle with these thoughts being so staunchly pro-life. It's an internal battle of guilt thinking these thoughts are wrong and misguided.
God loves me, he said. And he will take care of us. He has taken care of us this far, he's not going to stop just because I have these thoughts and we are pregnant. His words kept pouring out and I'll spare you the intimate details of the conversation, not that they were TMI, or inappropriate, but just because it's something so deeply passionate, and so personal, I wouldn't want to give away our relationship and it's deep bond over a blog. Not to mention, it would be pages and pages long, because we talked for quite a while.
I love that man so very much. He is such a solid rock. He has been such a gift from God throughout the years. Always willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He would do anything. He loves me that much. That's exactly how God intended husbands to love their wives and he is the picture of just how much Christ loved our Church. I know my husband would sacrifice his life for me if need be, but just that he sacrifices so much on a daily basis, shows me time and time again just how much Christ loves me as well.
|My gift from God.....|
I may be one of the craziest redheads he knows, but I know in my heart, that man loves me more deeply and passionately today, than yesterday and tomorrow, will love me even more.
That's the kind of love I wish our world knew God was waiting to give each and every one of us, if we would only let Him.
Life is precious. All life. Find the joy. Happiness is temporary. Find joy in life, and you'll get through anything. My joy is my realization through my husband, that there is something infinitely more powerful and universal that loves me even more than he does. The God of the Universe.