I really have no idea where the time goes. March was really my last blog and there have been so many amazing, sad, incredible, boring, things that have happened to me, my family, the world, I just won't even bother to bore you with the updates.... ;)
The fact that it's already May 20th means many things. For one, there is one month of school left. Which also means, one month of homeschooling left. Alleluia! Now I'm not being sarcastic, or super duper excited, I'm just thrilled we've almost made through this half a year and we're both still alive!!! Ok, not that one of us wouldn't be alive, but of all my kiddos- this child that I home school, is the one MOST like me, and with all the bad of me shoved in one little being.... so that sometimes makes for some emotional class time....in more ways than one!! She's doing super and just the other day, her dad says to me, "I don't know how you've done it, but I've seen such an amazing change in her...." I can't take all the credit- I simply removed her from a bad situation, helped her to build up her confidence and encouraged her to be who God made her to be. Most of the time, children just need love, affirmation, and hugs and their wings spread without all that goofy school stuff jumbling it up.... :) Not that we've given up learning, mind you....
So on the home front, we literally have one month to go before, for the most part, schedules are thrown out the window. Praise the Lord! I am still praying about my oldest daughter. She is 14 and will be starting High school this fall and has been accepted at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo, which is really, really, really cool, but also really, really, really expensive for us ole southern folk with too many kiddos living in a really 'spensive state to budget realistically. I've been praying for that miracle that great Aunt JuJu Bug (yes, I'm aware that's from Skippy Jon Jones) will pass and leave us her small fortune left in her mattress, but until then, I'm praying like a mad woman.... I know she'll do fine wherever she attends, but my hearts desire is to see her happy with school once again. It's been a rough year for this sweet girl...And no need to remind or name names, but girls at this age, sometimes, just plain suck..... (I suppose boys can be too, but right now, girls are just.plain.mean....)
So.....if that old relative doesn't pass, or forgets to leave us her fortune, I am considering home schooling her as well. It's a daunting task, but she keeps asking. How can I refuse? She's such a sweet, good, girl and works so hard in all she does-I feel I have to give it a try!
The smallest peanut of the bunch turns 15 months next week and it just makes me so terribly sad and happy all the same when I see how big she is getting. She's doing so much and learning so much. She is a crazy picky eater, one day eating her weight in spaghetti and sauce and the next acting as though it's contaminated with kryptonite.... She's absolutely hysterical and makes us all laugh....the kids adore her and some treat her like their rag doll....needless to say, her arms are still in socket for now....
The only boy in the bunch has been doing marching band for the middle school and since you can't walk with a french horn, he plays the malaphone. It's actually like a gigantic swollen trumpet. Very cool. If I was technically talented, I would post a video of him practicing his march while playing, but since I'm seriously technically challenged, you'll have to pretend in your mind....
He's memorized all his pieces and sounds very cool. I'm very impressed with him.
The 8 year old had her end of the year piano recital last night. I get so darn emotional at those things. I want all my kids to play the piano and so far, not a single one of them has decided to stick with it- which is fine, all I ask for is two years of lessons, learning how to read music, and they've all decided to stick with their band instruments. Our house is quite the concert series at times. A flute, french horn, (now malaphone), clarinet, and piano. Wondering what the 8 year old will get for band next year. She would like drums.... hmmmm... not sure about that one....
The 5 year old is about to finish up Kindergarten. Talk about growing up. She's lost a ton of teeth and is getting so tall that she's losing that sweet baby face. Thankfully she wanted her hair cut short, so that kept her sweet baby face a while longer.... :)
I've read some really good books lately, too. 'Saint John Paul the Great' is phenomenal. I would recommend this book to anyone, Catholic or not, just to get a fresh reminder of what life was like when Germany was invading so many countries, including Poland, the death and destruction they inflicted.
I am currently reading a book by Scott Hahn titled, "Evangelizing Catholics." It's also a fantastic read. For those who know Scott Hahn writings, you know his writings can be a tad over me head- he's just theologically brilliant and knows scripture forwards, backwards, and sideways. This book, though, much like Rome Sweet Home, is an easy, understandable read. I have learned so much and made mental notes and physical notes all over the book! He's so spot on that in order for our faith to continue we must teach it to our children. He notes that parents are the FIRST AND FOREMOST catechists! I can't tell you how many times in all the years I've been married how many people have relied on religion classes, or Catholic schools to be their children's teacher. I even had a parent tell me, "I really don't know anything, so I know you'll teach them what they need to know..." I wish I had this book when they had said that!!! So many people decide because they "don't know" something, that they either don't try, or take a very standoffish attitude. I am very interested in learning how to re-evangelize parents (some evangelize for the first time!!) in regards to the sacraments because it breaks my heart in a million pieces when I see First Communion at my church (and really, at most churches these days). I am praying about a way to fit my love of the Eucharist into something that we can use for not only the children, but for parents as well.
Some how, we've got to make a head to heart connection....somehow. :)
Hopefully it won't be two more months before I blog again.... :)
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
NYS Refusal....
Well, I did it.
I'm pretty sure there are lots of people that get really nervous when they read that phrase coming from me.... :)
I finally worked up the courage to send my letter and emails in to the middle school to refuse my middle school children from taking the NYS tests. I have to admit, considering the tests are next week for ELA and at the end of April for Math- I was a NERVOUS wreck! And I had doubts.
Doubts I was screwing up big time.
Doubts I was going to have my children targeted by the school admin or worse, the district admin. (I admit, I have been just a hair outspoken about common core-I may have given my name a bad taste in some mouths because of things I've said....but in my defense, it's my hair's fault....)
But Monday morning I emailed every teacher and principal I felt needed to hear my refusal of the tests on behalf of my children and yesterday I sent in with my oldest daughter, a letter to just make sure they got my electronic one.
Well. Nothing like the devil to stand there and cast doubt. Serious doubt. Not five minutes after sending the letter, our NYS DOE commissioner sent out a letter to superintendents and when I first read it, I thought, oh crap, I messed up big time.
Because when you read his letter, it sounds just like the tests that I would love for our schools. I have to be honest, I'm not against testing. I give my daughter at home tests over every subject we cover- it's important. I actually make most of them and use the curriculum I am teaching and the materials we've gone over to test her. It's important to have that as a method of making sure she is retaining what I'm teaching.
But I also grade her work, watch her complete assignments, and teach her lessons. All of which give me a full, well rounded view of how she is learning. Is she a test taker? Absolutely not. She's terrible at tests. But am I going to stop testing her? No. I adapt her tests, started out easier, and have gradually made them more difficult each time. To the naked eye, it would seem they are too easy, but at this point in her almost 11 years on earth and the first half of her 5th grade year being made miserable by over testing, over assigning inappropriate materials, and over close reading, she needed easy. She needed to feel successful. She needed to feel as though she could do it and she can.
She has learned that she is a smart little girl and if she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything.
I haven't stopped testing her.
On the contrary.
But Commissioner King almost made me feel like I was totally mistaken in refusing these NYS tests.
But then common SENSE set in and I snapped back.
Because you see, this week, (and last week, and probably weeks before) several of my children have been "preparing" for these stupid tests. I can safely call them stupid because my kids don't read this blog. I tell them that word is reserved for use during serious matter, and quite frankly, NYS tests are a serious matter.
I read his letter and I sat there. First in absolute disbelief. He made it sound as though the best teaching for the tests is to just teach. Not cram test taking practice, skills, etc, but just to teach. As though, shame on all those teachers that EVERYONE OF MY KIDS HAS HAD who has felt it necessary to take old NYS tests, practice tests, and this week alone, take grades on practice tests. Didn't they read the same letter I read?
Unless, his words are just that, words. Meaningless, worthless, worth a melted snowball (yea, I've officially become tired of the snow) words. Worthless.
Here is the link to the article I found with his letter attached. Please read it and come to your own conclusions.
http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2014/03/new_york_education_commissioner_john_king_letter_on_state_tests.html
But then he said something that caught my eye. Now, I'm no expert. I only taught in the school systems for 6 years, and one of those years was a long term subbing position. But I LOVE teaching and if I could go back (without having to pay a pretty penny for my renewal) I would do it in a heartbeat. I'll copy and paste the phrase.
"He said every question on the tests was written for New York, reviewed by New York educators and field-tested with New York students. "Do not let anyone say otherwise," he said."
Wait, what?
So you're saying, these tests were written by educators here in NY, reviewed by educators here in NY, and field tested by NY students?
Then why did 70% fail?
Are there 70% of our teachers/schools/districts that are teaching the wrong thing?
Aren't there NYS guidelines for each grade level? Why yes. Yes there are. So are the tests not designed in regards to the curriculum guidelines for each grade?
Here is a link where the NYS guidelines are in fact, listed.
http://www.p12.nysed.gov/ciai/cores.html
Don't take my word for it, check it out.
When I was teaching, I followed the Arkansas State teaching curriculum guidelines. I taught the subjects required of me, the lessons required of me and at various times during the year, we tested to see if what we were doing to teach these methods were working. I saw first hand what I needed to work on as a teacher. Now, things may have changed that was in the dark ages of 2005, so I know things may be different. But the point of tests, I thought, was to test knowledge taught, create lesson plans that include the required learning, and learn where areas need refining, less work, etc.
If 70% failed last year, and good ole Arne Duncan has already predicted a failing year again this year, than this begs the question....
What are we doing wrong?
Are teachers not following the same curriculum guides?
Is Arne right? Are we "suburban moms" just raising a bunch of idiots? (that almost made me shudder to type because that article nearly sent this psycho red head on a ranging trip to DC....but I digress, as usual...)
Is our state creating tests that purposefully confuse and fail students?
I'm inclined to lean with the latter.
Let's take a stand, shall we? Let's send a message. Let's tell administrators and commissioners that we want our teachers back. We want our crafts back. We want our hands on learning back. I want to buy glitter glue for my 3rd grader's teacher!
Heck, we want recess back. At least for Kindergarten????
Or we can be like the frog left in the water, cool at first, but unnoticed by him the heat turned up on high and before the poor little amphibian realizes it, he's a boiled delicacy.
It's time to take back our classrooms and stop this crime against our children.
I'm pretty sure there are lots of people that get really nervous when they read that phrase coming from me.... :)
I finally worked up the courage to send my letter and emails in to the middle school to refuse my middle school children from taking the NYS tests. I have to admit, considering the tests are next week for ELA and at the end of April for Math- I was a NERVOUS wreck! And I had doubts.
Doubts I was screwing up big time.
Doubts I was going to have my children targeted by the school admin or worse, the district admin. (I admit, I have been just a hair outspoken about common core-I may have given my name a bad taste in some mouths because of things I've said....but in my defense, it's my hair's fault....)
But Monday morning I emailed every teacher and principal I felt needed to hear my refusal of the tests on behalf of my children and yesterday I sent in with my oldest daughter, a letter to just make sure they got my electronic one.
Well. Nothing like the devil to stand there and cast doubt. Serious doubt. Not five minutes after sending the letter, our NYS DOE commissioner sent out a letter to superintendents and when I first read it, I thought, oh crap, I messed up big time.
Because when you read his letter, it sounds just like the tests that I would love for our schools. I have to be honest, I'm not against testing. I give my daughter at home tests over every subject we cover- it's important. I actually make most of them and use the curriculum I am teaching and the materials we've gone over to test her. It's important to have that as a method of making sure she is retaining what I'm teaching.
But I also grade her work, watch her complete assignments, and teach her lessons. All of which give me a full, well rounded view of how she is learning. Is she a test taker? Absolutely not. She's terrible at tests. But am I going to stop testing her? No. I adapt her tests, started out easier, and have gradually made them more difficult each time. To the naked eye, it would seem they are too easy, but at this point in her almost 11 years on earth and the first half of her 5th grade year being made miserable by over testing, over assigning inappropriate materials, and over close reading, she needed easy. She needed to feel successful. She needed to feel as though she could do it and she can.
She has learned that she is a smart little girl and if she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything.
I haven't stopped testing her.
On the contrary.
But Commissioner King almost made me feel like I was totally mistaken in refusing these NYS tests.
But then common SENSE set in and I snapped back.
Because you see, this week, (and last week, and probably weeks before) several of my children have been "preparing" for these stupid tests. I can safely call them stupid because my kids don't read this blog. I tell them that word is reserved for use during serious matter, and quite frankly, NYS tests are a serious matter.
I read his letter and I sat there. First in absolute disbelief. He made it sound as though the best teaching for the tests is to just teach. Not cram test taking practice, skills, etc, but just to teach. As though, shame on all those teachers that EVERYONE OF MY KIDS HAS HAD who has felt it necessary to take old NYS tests, practice tests, and this week alone, take grades on practice tests. Didn't they read the same letter I read?
Unless, his words are just that, words. Meaningless, worthless, worth a melted snowball (yea, I've officially become tired of the snow) words. Worthless.
Here is the link to the article I found with his letter attached. Please read it and come to your own conclusions.
http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2014/03/new_york_education_commissioner_john_king_letter_on_state_tests.html
But then he said something that caught my eye. Now, I'm no expert. I only taught in the school systems for 6 years, and one of those years was a long term subbing position. But I LOVE teaching and if I could go back (without having to pay a pretty penny for my renewal) I would do it in a heartbeat. I'll copy and paste the phrase.
"He said every question on the tests was written for New York, reviewed by New York educators and field-tested with New York students. "Do not let anyone say otherwise," he said."
Wait, what?
So you're saying, these tests were written by educators here in NY, reviewed by educators here in NY, and field tested by NY students?
Then why did 70% fail?
Are there 70% of our teachers/schools/districts that are teaching the wrong thing?
Aren't there NYS guidelines for each grade level? Why yes. Yes there are. So are the tests not designed in regards to the curriculum guidelines for each grade?
Here is a link where the NYS guidelines are in fact, listed.
http://www.p12.nysed.gov/ciai/cores.html
Don't take my word for it, check it out.
When I was teaching, I followed the Arkansas State teaching curriculum guidelines. I taught the subjects required of me, the lessons required of me and at various times during the year, we tested to see if what we were doing to teach these methods were working. I saw first hand what I needed to work on as a teacher. Now, things may have changed that was in the dark ages of 2005, so I know things may be different. But the point of tests, I thought, was to test knowledge taught, create lesson plans that include the required learning, and learn where areas need refining, less work, etc.
If 70% failed last year, and good ole Arne Duncan has already predicted a failing year again this year, than this begs the question....
What are we doing wrong?
Are teachers not following the same curriculum guides?
Is Arne right? Are we "suburban moms" just raising a bunch of idiots? (that almost made me shudder to type because that article nearly sent this psycho red head on a ranging trip to DC....but I digress, as usual...)
Is our state creating tests that purposefully confuse and fail students?
I'm inclined to lean with the latter.
Let's take a stand, shall we? Let's send a message. Let's tell administrators and commissioners that we want our teachers back. We want our crafts back. We want our hands on learning back. I want to buy glitter glue for my 3rd grader's teacher!
Heck, we want recess back. At least for Kindergarten????
Or we can be like the frog left in the water, cool at first, but unnoticed by him the heat turned up on high and before the poor little amphibian realizes it, he's a boiled delicacy.
It's time to take back our classrooms and stop this crime against our children.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Massages and other fun times.....
This past Friday I finally had the opportunity to use a gift card for a massage I've had for a while. I love to get massages, but to be honest, cause that's how I am, I am kind of a freak when it comes to them. I'll explain...
To be sure, I absolutely LOVE massages. I think they should be packaged nicely in our health insurance, because the benefits physically, mentally, psychologically are just undeniable. I FEEL better after one, I am calmer, my body doesn't ache, and I do believe in their healing benefits. But like I said, I'm kind of a freak about them.
So my appointment was at 2:00 on Friday. I went to the hospital where they are located and made sure I went to the bathroom (not once, but TWICE-hey when you've had six babies all weighing 8-9 pounds each- you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about)and signed in. Once you sign in, you fill out a sheet talking about your points of discomfort, sensitivity issues, etc. Of course, as always, I try to be very sweet when I explain how if they touch my feet, or anywhere in the vicinity of my feet, I can not be held responsible for my actions. Meaning, if I kick the crap out of your face, because I swear it's a total involuntary reaction to anyone coming within a few feet of my feet, you can not sue me!!!!
Slightly off subject, I had a masseuse once ask if he could do a really deep tissue rub on them if I would give it a shot- needless to say, he was in training and I believe learned a valuable lesson that day.....
So when you sign in and fill out the paper work, the massage therapist takes you to the room where there is this really awesome bed (that is HEATED!!!) and you are supposed to get naked. Yes, naked.
I know you all know my fears of nakedness. Again, even having six babies and having an audience of friends and a PRIEST at the last birth, I have a serious fear of people seeing my nakedness. I'm fairly certain it's because of multiple reasons, one being a fabulous low self body image issue I've blogged about before, but also because I'm tall, skinny, have a road map on my stomach that has skin that no matter how many sit ups I do will NEVER regain it's elasticity (yes, I can "tuck it in my pants"), and certain other body parts that will remain nameless, but let's just say that they both have fed and nourished six babies for a total of six years + (yes, I am still breastfeeding once a day) and not only do the poor little fellas look like tiny baby blue bird eggs dropped in a sock, but the exterior part of them would give women in Africa featured on National Geographic a run for their money. Seriously. Have you ever tried to disguise something like that? Thankfully Target now sells a sports bra that won't break my bank account that takes care of those unsightly "headlight" issues...
I'm digressing, and probably being a slight bit disgusting, but I'm just keeping it real for you. Especially those who think the grass is greener over here. It's green alright, but, well, I'll stop before I really stoop any lower..... :)
So there I am, once again, in my freakishly nervous way, getting undressed. Now, you can leave your underwear on- I've done it both ways- but to be honest, a butt massage actually is phenomenal because you KNOW when you're back is tight, and therefore all the muscles down to your shins are tight? That butt muscle, which is huge, no matter who you are, actually feels so dag gone good after a massage-but this massage therapist doesn't really give a butt massage. (I've had one, so don't knock it til you've tried it....)
I just reread the last two paragraphs and honestly, I can totally see why I don't have many friends.....ahhhhh....I'll continue....
I debate for a second about where to "hide" my bra once I take it off. Women, aren't we hilarious? I mean seriously. It's the same when I have my yearly exam with my OBGYN and with my every six month exams with my dermatologist. (dang, I get naked a lot for people). I strategically place all my clothing so it appears I don't wear a bra ever. Or underwear, too. I'm so embarrassed that someone might see it, I actually stuff it down my pant leg, which makes getting dressed even more fun.
Anyway, I get undressed like I only have about 30 seconds to be completely under the covers and by the time I'm finished I'm breathing like I ran a marathon. Seriously, I have some issues. I know. At least I'm aware of them.
Then my next debate arises. Do I keep my arms out of the covers, or under the covers? Good-ness. Does anyone else on God's green earth worry about the crap I do? I was actually cracking myself up when I settled on under the covers because the therapist had not turned the bed on yet, so it wasn't quite as warm as it could be.
The massage starts and my trip to Heaven begins as I slowly begin to be lulled into an almost catatonic state. I even warn the therapist every time I go that if I snore, please nudge me, because I'm fairly certain in the almost 15 years I've been pregnant, had kids, nursed, I have maybe gotten about 4 years of sleep total? That seems like a lot, so it might even be 3 years of sleep.
This time however, I get a tickle in my throat. It was like the gods were against me having a relaxing time where I didn't have to think about kids, diapers, menus, bills, groceries or life, but hahahahahaha- crazy red head, you're going to get a tickle and the hour of relaxation is going to turn into a disaster. You know when you get a tickle, how you start swallowing like your life depended on it? Oh yes, that was going on, but I swear, every time she massaged a certain spot on my neck, the tickle got worse. Finally after about 10 minutes of coughing, gagging, drinking water (which frightened me into believing after about 10 more minutes I would have to pee), my therapist felt so sorry for me, she gave me one of her personal throat drops and tried to tell me it's ok, lots of people are dealing with dry air and tickles. She earned her tip that day....
The tickle subsided, and we moved onto my back. Have you ever tried to flip over, half asleep, almost completely naked, under a sheet? Not that I have anything "flopping out" but the idea that this therapist may see me naked, once again, freaked me out. I think if I would just calm down, and flip over softly and in a controlled manner, I wouldn't look like a whale that marine biologists are trying to heave back into the ocean. The sheet gets caught on one of my goofy lanky legs and I nearly dump the entire sheet on the floor!!! God help me!!
At least I can laugh at myself as I made some comment about awkwardness, and feeling like a giraffe, still growing into my body. She laughed, but I'm certain her concerns for my sanity (or shall we say, insanity) were affirmed at that moment. But I didn't care. We were going on to my back and that is where my stress places itself so heavily. My shoulders, because I hold my shoulders up like I'm in a perpetual position like my kids saying "I don't know," and my shoulder blades and lower back. Every one of those places I can point to the exact spots where all my lactic acid is built up creating these "knots" that at times, can feel like huge tumors! I remember the first time I got a massage, the therapist was shocked at how tight and hard these knots were and I believe earned every penny that day once finished with me. She was so worried about me, she made me drink 10 glasses of water before I left because she thought all that lactic acid was going to be reeking havoc on my system!! (ok, maybe it was 5 glasses, but it was a lot and I was sore!!!!)
My hour was up before I realized it and once again I was left in the room. I love how they say, "take your time getting up." Because if there was a hidden camera in there, they would see me lying there, watching the clock, and after about 15 seconds, I jump up, and start throwing my clothes back on faster then they came off. I know, I might need counseling. Don't think that hasn't been suggested..... ;)
I did something a little more daring this time before I left though. Instead of saying the usual, "man, I should really do this more often," and make a mental note to call in a few months and forget until someone gives me a gift certificate as a gift, I made my next appointment!!! I of course, told my husband that this could be my Mother's Day gift (he's always asking for ideas) so at the end of April I will be heading back for another round of a freakishly delightful massage.
I hope if anything, I've encouraged you to get a massage. They really are amazing. If not, and I've left you scarred, well, if you've read my blogs before, I always say, I warned ya.... I am what I am and that's as real as it gets.
Blessings to you~
To be sure, I absolutely LOVE massages. I think they should be packaged nicely in our health insurance, because the benefits physically, mentally, psychologically are just undeniable. I FEEL better after one, I am calmer, my body doesn't ache, and I do believe in their healing benefits. But like I said, I'm kind of a freak about them.
So my appointment was at 2:00 on Friday. I went to the hospital where they are located and made sure I went to the bathroom (not once, but TWICE-hey when you've had six babies all weighing 8-9 pounds each- you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about)and signed in. Once you sign in, you fill out a sheet talking about your points of discomfort, sensitivity issues, etc. Of course, as always, I try to be very sweet when I explain how if they touch my feet, or anywhere in the vicinity of my feet, I can not be held responsible for my actions. Meaning, if I kick the crap out of your face, because I swear it's a total involuntary reaction to anyone coming within a few feet of my feet, you can not sue me!!!!
Slightly off subject, I had a masseuse once ask if he could do a really deep tissue rub on them if I would give it a shot- needless to say, he was in training and I believe learned a valuable lesson that day.....
So when you sign in and fill out the paper work, the massage therapist takes you to the room where there is this really awesome bed (that is HEATED!!!) and you are supposed to get naked. Yes, naked.
I know you all know my fears of nakedness. Again, even having six babies and having an audience of friends and a PRIEST at the last birth, I have a serious fear of people seeing my nakedness. I'm fairly certain it's because of multiple reasons, one being a fabulous low self body image issue I've blogged about before, but also because I'm tall, skinny, have a road map on my stomach that has skin that no matter how many sit ups I do will NEVER regain it's elasticity (yes, I can "tuck it in my pants"), and certain other body parts that will remain nameless, but let's just say that they both have fed and nourished six babies for a total of six years + (yes, I am still breastfeeding once a day) and not only do the poor little fellas look like tiny baby blue bird eggs dropped in a sock, but the exterior part of them would give women in Africa featured on National Geographic a run for their money. Seriously. Have you ever tried to disguise something like that? Thankfully Target now sells a sports bra that won't break my bank account that takes care of those unsightly "headlight" issues...
I'm digressing, and probably being a slight bit disgusting, but I'm just keeping it real for you. Especially those who think the grass is greener over here. It's green alright, but, well, I'll stop before I really stoop any lower..... :)
So there I am, once again, in my freakishly nervous way, getting undressed. Now, you can leave your underwear on- I've done it both ways- but to be honest, a butt massage actually is phenomenal because you KNOW when you're back is tight, and therefore all the muscles down to your shins are tight? That butt muscle, which is huge, no matter who you are, actually feels so dag gone good after a massage-but this massage therapist doesn't really give a butt massage. (I've had one, so don't knock it til you've tried it....)
I just reread the last two paragraphs and honestly, I can totally see why I don't have many friends.....ahhhhh....I'll continue....
I debate for a second about where to "hide" my bra once I take it off. Women, aren't we hilarious? I mean seriously. It's the same when I have my yearly exam with my OBGYN and with my every six month exams with my dermatologist. (dang, I get naked a lot for people). I strategically place all my clothing so it appears I don't wear a bra ever. Or underwear, too. I'm so embarrassed that someone might see it, I actually stuff it down my pant leg, which makes getting dressed even more fun.
Anyway, I get undressed like I only have about 30 seconds to be completely under the covers and by the time I'm finished I'm breathing like I ran a marathon. Seriously, I have some issues. I know. At least I'm aware of them.
Then my next debate arises. Do I keep my arms out of the covers, or under the covers? Good-ness. Does anyone else on God's green earth worry about the crap I do? I was actually cracking myself up when I settled on under the covers because the therapist had not turned the bed on yet, so it wasn't quite as warm as it could be.
The massage starts and my trip to Heaven begins as I slowly begin to be lulled into an almost catatonic state. I even warn the therapist every time I go that if I snore, please nudge me, because I'm fairly certain in the almost 15 years I've been pregnant, had kids, nursed, I have maybe gotten about 4 years of sleep total? That seems like a lot, so it might even be 3 years of sleep.
This time however, I get a tickle in my throat. It was like the gods were against me having a relaxing time where I didn't have to think about kids, diapers, menus, bills, groceries or life, but hahahahahaha- crazy red head, you're going to get a tickle and the hour of relaxation is going to turn into a disaster. You know when you get a tickle, how you start swallowing like your life depended on it? Oh yes, that was going on, but I swear, every time she massaged a certain spot on my neck, the tickle got worse. Finally after about 10 minutes of coughing, gagging, drinking water (which frightened me into believing after about 10 more minutes I would have to pee), my therapist felt so sorry for me, she gave me one of her personal throat drops and tried to tell me it's ok, lots of people are dealing with dry air and tickles. She earned her tip that day....
The tickle subsided, and we moved onto my back. Have you ever tried to flip over, half asleep, almost completely naked, under a sheet? Not that I have anything "flopping out" but the idea that this therapist may see me naked, once again, freaked me out. I think if I would just calm down, and flip over softly and in a controlled manner, I wouldn't look like a whale that marine biologists are trying to heave back into the ocean. The sheet gets caught on one of my goofy lanky legs and I nearly dump the entire sheet on the floor!!! God help me!!
At least I can laugh at myself as I made some comment about awkwardness, and feeling like a giraffe, still growing into my body. She laughed, but I'm certain her concerns for my sanity (or shall we say, insanity) were affirmed at that moment. But I didn't care. We were going on to my back and that is where my stress places itself so heavily. My shoulders, because I hold my shoulders up like I'm in a perpetual position like my kids saying "I don't know," and my shoulder blades and lower back. Every one of those places I can point to the exact spots where all my lactic acid is built up creating these "knots" that at times, can feel like huge tumors! I remember the first time I got a massage, the therapist was shocked at how tight and hard these knots were and I believe earned every penny that day once finished with me. She was so worried about me, she made me drink 10 glasses of water before I left because she thought all that lactic acid was going to be reeking havoc on my system!! (ok, maybe it was 5 glasses, but it was a lot and I was sore!!!!)
My hour was up before I realized it and once again I was left in the room. I love how they say, "take your time getting up." Because if there was a hidden camera in there, they would see me lying there, watching the clock, and after about 15 seconds, I jump up, and start throwing my clothes back on faster then they came off. I know, I might need counseling. Don't think that hasn't been suggested..... ;)
I did something a little more daring this time before I left though. Instead of saying the usual, "man, I should really do this more often," and make a mental note to call in a few months and forget until someone gives me a gift certificate as a gift, I made my next appointment!!! I of course, told my husband that this could be my Mother's Day gift (he's always asking for ideas) so at the end of April I will be heading back for another round of a freakishly delightful massage.
I hope if anything, I've encouraged you to get a massage. They really are amazing. If not, and I've left you scarred, well, if you've read my blogs before, I always say, I warned ya.... I am what I am and that's as real as it gets.
Blessings to you~
Monday, March 10, 2014
What is most important in your life?
Some days I seriously would like to find that "do over" button, or that "easy" button. The last few weeks I've been really searching for either, or both...
Then something happens and you begin to realize that while yes, there are some really self absorbed people in this world, and also some very misguided people in this world, there are also a whole lot of good people in this world. It makes all those petty problems in your own life seem just that, petty.
There's a little boy up here in WNY who is dying. He's only 4 years old. The fact that he's only 4 is what really hits me hard. The fact he has an aggressive form of brain cancer not usually found in children hits hard, too. But what is really amazing to me is the mom of this young boy.
The little boy is a twin. He also has a younger sister. They've given him weeks to live and quite frankly, if you heard how he was doing, you'd think it was longer, but that's the scary thing about cancer. It's so sneaky. Slowly killing a person on the inside and sometimes no signs are even there until the bitter end.
This mother is so amazing and I'm sure she would balk at me saying it, but her strength is out of this world. And to be true, it probably is out of this world. So many thousands of people are praying for this family and a miracle for the little boy, that I'm certain it's what is carrying her.
It certainly put it all into perspective for me and my family. There is a lot of drama in this world. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize to so many people for how my husband and I choose to raise our kids. I'm that person that would just as soon blend into the wall then stick out (and with six kids, sticking out is exactly what we do). Lately, it seems as though the evil one has been testing us to the limit. Almost testing us to the point that I'm ready to call it quits....he's very good at being very manipulative and remember my earlier post about sin? It would be easy to avoid it if it were nasty and scary and gross..... but for me, wanting to run away and hide and avoid all conflict is exactly why I know it's from the evil one.....
So this mom, amazingly enough, gave an interview with the local television station last week. She encouraged people to enjoy the moment and what is important. Wow.
My faith, my relationship with my husband and my kids are what is important. Spending time with these three are what I should focus on. She is spot on. And perhaps, I will try to make that my Lenten focus as well. It's so easy to fall into that woe is me trap. It's so easy to let the anger of others, the problems of others, dictate how we live our lives. It's so easy to lose focus of what is important.
Putting our faith first. Placing God and time with Him alone is most important. I tell my kids all the time, how do you learn about someone? How do you grow closer to someone? You spend time with that person, read about them, pray with them, focus on them. Our relationship with Christ is no different. How are we to ever grow in our relationship with Him if we never spend time with Him? Reading His Word? Sitting with Him in prayer. Praying before the Blessed Sacrament? I currently have my 5th grader memorizing scripture and this week our focus is on John (which by the way, happens to be my FAVORITE Gospel writer of all time because of John chapter 6....but I digress) This week is verse 1. "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God."
That verse is so simple, yet so very profound. Literally it means, In the beginning when there was nothing but God, Jesus was with Him and Jesus was Him. Kind of how we figured out that whole Trinity thing??? You know, God in three persons, but one God???
Let's focus on those three things. God, (our faith), our spouses, and our family. Perhaps by placing these three things first (what is most important), we, like that awesome mom with that courageous little boy, will discover what is truly most important. And perhaps, those days when we wake up and can't find that darn easy button, or even that do over button, we can still stay focused and remember what is most important.
Then something happens and you begin to realize that while yes, there are some really self absorbed people in this world, and also some very misguided people in this world, there are also a whole lot of good people in this world. It makes all those petty problems in your own life seem just that, petty.
There's a little boy up here in WNY who is dying. He's only 4 years old. The fact that he's only 4 is what really hits me hard. The fact he has an aggressive form of brain cancer not usually found in children hits hard, too. But what is really amazing to me is the mom of this young boy.
The little boy is a twin. He also has a younger sister. They've given him weeks to live and quite frankly, if you heard how he was doing, you'd think it was longer, but that's the scary thing about cancer. It's so sneaky. Slowly killing a person on the inside and sometimes no signs are even there until the bitter end.
This mother is so amazing and I'm sure she would balk at me saying it, but her strength is out of this world. And to be true, it probably is out of this world. So many thousands of people are praying for this family and a miracle for the little boy, that I'm certain it's what is carrying her.
It certainly put it all into perspective for me and my family. There is a lot of drama in this world. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize to so many people for how my husband and I choose to raise our kids. I'm that person that would just as soon blend into the wall then stick out (and with six kids, sticking out is exactly what we do). Lately, it seems as though the evil one has been testing us to the limit. Almost testing us to the point that I'm ready to call it quits....he's very good at being very manipulative and remember my earlier post about sin? It would be easy to avoid it if it were nasty and scary and gross..... but for me, wanting to run away and hide and avoid all conflict is exactly why I know it's from the evil one.....
So this mom, amazingly enough, gave an interview with the local television station last week. She encouraged people to enjoy the moment and what is important. Wow.
My faith, my relationship with my husband and my kids are what is important. Spending time with these three are what I should focus on. She is spot on. And perhaps, I will try to make that my Lenten focus as well. It's so easy to fall into that woe is me trap. It's so easy to let the anger of others, the problems of others, dictate how we live our lives. It's so easy to lose focus of what is important.
Putting our faith first. Placing God and time with Him alone is most important. I tell my kids all the time, how do you learn about someone? How do you grow closer to someone? You spend time with that person, read about them, pray with them, focus on them. Our relationship with Christ is no different. How are we to ever grow in our relationship with Him if we never spend time with Him? Reading His Word? Sitting with Him in prayer. Praying before the Blessed Sacrament? I currently have my 5th grader memorizing scripture and this week our focus is on John (which by the way, happens to be my FAVORITE Gospel writer of all time because of John chapter 6....but I digress) This week is verse 1. "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God."
That verse is so simple, yet so very profound. Literally it means, In the beginning when there was nothing but God, Jesus was with Him and Jesus was Him. Kind of how we figured out that whole Trinity thing??? You know, God in three persons, but one God???
Let's focus on those three things. God, (our faith), our spouses, and our family. Perhaps by placing these three things first (what is most important), we, like that awesome mom with that courageous little boy, will discover what is truly most important. And perhaps, those days when we wake up and can't find that darn easy button, or even that do over button, we can still stay focused and remember what is most important.
 |
| A few of my most important peeps... |
Friday, February 28, 2014
Haircuts....
Today I had the absolute pleasure of getting a haircut. I know what you're thinking. Why is that pleasurable, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. First of all, I get my haircut at the most, twice a year. Secondly, I haven't had any luck finding a good, steady hairstylist since moving up here.
The first one was kind of like a redneck from the south, which was funny, because it gave me the insight that rednecks are just about everywhere in the world, not just isolated in the south... :)
The second one was half my age and told me how much fun she had partying over in Canada every day that ended in Y and how she lived with her dad, and how horrible her life was...... sheesh, today's youth....
The third one I believe is the charm. He's definitely a tad older (mid 30's maybe?)and much more mature than the last one and to beat all, if I want to close my eyes and pretend I am at a spa and I won't be going home for like, 12 days, then he totally obliges! I think the fact that I have six kids freaks him out a bit, but I'm ok with that, because he's never once said, "Do you know how that happens?" Or, "Dang, why?" So I feel very comfortable with this new stylist and I've never had a gentleman cut my hair, so it's kind of nice!
Anyway, today was the day. I have a friend who I have commissioned to be my micro-manager of my hair appointments, and she met me for lunch and we walked over to have "James" cut my hair. I went totally drastic today. Every now and then I do crazy things with my hair. Now, when I say crazy, my husband will tell you, it's eased up a bit in the almost 18 years we've been married, but let me tell you, some of my crazies have been REAL doozies.
There was the time I tried a mall haircut at JC Penney.
Don't ever do that if you have naturally curly red hair. Because, even though since giving birth my hair is straighter now, my hair was once, really, really curly. Crazy curly, like the perm I got in like 1986 was still activated in 1998.... So, I went there on a whim, desperate once again to find a decent hair stylist. Well, I left looking like a frizzy redheaded poodle and to beat all, I was parked ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MALL.... so yea, tears streaming down my face as I walked with serious humiliation across a very crowded mall, making my way to my car and swearing I would NEVER get my hair cut again.
Then there was the time I thought it would be fun to be a butch again.
I'll explain.
I spent a great deal of my childhood sporting a rather shorter than normal pixie cut. I am talking, my name was Amy, but you could have seriously confused me with Adam. There was nothing feminine about me and my hair, or my clothing for that matter, that would give you any indication I was a girl! My sister and I even gave ourselves nicknames. Connor and Franklin.
It was bad.
So once again, I had this brainless, memory loss idea that I should try a short style.
I remember coming home and hiding in my bedroom and crying hysterically until my awesome husband came home and tried to desperately console me.
He learned that day to never say these words, "Honey- the difference between a good/bad haircut is three days!"
Not when you get your hair cut so short that shave your neck, big guy.
It was another lesson in humility.
For many years after that, I found that by spending lots of money, I got better haircuts. I hated it, (the money part) but the results were totally worth it, and when you added up my every 3 month haircut nightmares, it totaled my once a year expensive, I can leave with pride, ones! A win win in my book. (No, my husband still doesn't get that....)
So we moved up here and I went to my first place. The lady, (remember my redneck reference) asked if I had ever colored my hair. Well, even as a redhead who dreamed of being blonde her whole childhood to avoid the snarky, hateful comments of the other kids, I had never taken the plunge and done it. She couldn't believe it. She said, "Can I highlight with blonde?" I said, sure. What's the harm?
The harm was that highlights are chemicals and chemicals if not used properly, can distort the look of your hair....
It took a long time to get rid of that disaster because my hair was really, really, long. Needless to say, I decided not to go back.
So I went to my second hair stylist. She was about 12. Seriously, she looked 12, she might have been 21...
I told her I had five children and made a mental note to never mention that again after she freaked out over it. (then later admitted her family was huge and all her aunts and uncles had large families-etc etc. I don't get people like that....) Needless to say, my last cut with her was when I was pregnant (not showing) with #6 and never told her, and frankly, after hearing all about Canada and her miserable life, decided that perhaps this relationship was going no where.... We just did not connect....
I was getting desperate. To the point I even paid 10 dollars at a super cuts once, just to get the dead ends off. Of course, I had to tell the stylist, to wet it, snip the ends, and don't dry it. NO layers, no blow dryers, nothing else.
People don't seem to understand the importance of having a good hair stylist. It's really a commitment. It could almost be compared to a marriage. A BOND. You have to search sometimes long and hard and sometimes, it takes YEARS..... To find that certain stylist who is not just good, but REALLY good and can cut MY hair AND style it nicely, is a challenge.
Well, I'm proud to report my stylist now is awesome. All of those qualities I wrote and more. And a pretty penny, that I'll pay once a year. My micro-manager would like me to go every season. I don't know about that, but the comforting thing is that I have found someone who can cut my hair. I can leave the store with my head held high and actually go places publicly without running like I'm on fire to get home and shower and do what I can to "fix" my disaster....
I didn't think I would ever be able to replace my awesome girl back home, but somehow, I have managed to find someone. AND I even posted a picture of my new do.
5 inches taken off and all- a pretty radical move on my part- not pixie- but as short as it's been in a long, long time!!!
Thank your hair stylist next time you're in. They're a gem in a world of rookies...if you've got a good one, you've got a gem....
 |
| Sitting at a red light-my new hairdo... :) |
Friday, February 21, 2014
Pope Francis and the amazing sacrament of Confession....a true story...
Today I'm going to talk about a touchy subject, mostly among fellow Catholics, because most non- Catholics have just labeled Catholics as crazy when we feel it necessary to spill our sins to a priest behind closed doors instead of just having a private conversation with God, one on one. Fellow Catholics tend to think Confession is outdated, unnecessary and quite frankly, who does bad things anymore, right?
Well, since I'm being so raw and honest I'll just confess. Unless I'm the only sinner left on earth (well, me, my husband and all my kiddos) we all do bad things. We all do bad things, and quite frankly, we do them really good....
Because let's face it- if sin was sooooo bad, meaning, if it looked gross, scary, life threatening, friendship ruining, soul sacrificing, let's throw our chance at Heaven out the door, why don't I just go ahead and punch my ticket to hell- we wouldn't touch it, would we? (well, some of my kids might, but that would only be because I said not too, and teaching that defiance is wrong has been rather difficult for some of mine to grasp.....)
But sin is packaged beautifully. Sin is packaged in such a way, that to be quite honest, unless we really pray and look to God for serious guidance, we can easily convince ourselves that our choices are exactly what God wants for us. In fact, what we might think is "ok, no one is getting hurt, I'm happier for this decision," might be the very sin that Satan wants you to say yes too, because ultimately, it makes you in charge and consulting the God of the Universe would be trivial after choosing that perfect little wrapped package of "goodness"....
Do you follow me? If not, no worries, I rarely follow myself and if you hold on, you'll at least go on one heck of a roller coaster and perhaps laugh a time or two and maybe before it's over it'll make sense, either that, or you can just tell people how you'll NEVER get that time back....ever.... :)
Let me make myself a tad more clear.....
The sacrament of Confession, Penance, Reconciliation (whatever you choose to call it) is very relevant today and very, very, very spiritually, and I'll even say, physically, emotionally, and perhaps even psychologically healing....I shall give a few points to ponder as to why, but first I want to tell everyone what the Pope talked about Wednesday at the general audience in Rome at St. Peter's Basilica. Funny thing, most of the media took a vacation on Wednesday from reporting what Pope Francis said and that affirms for me all the more that what he said was and is completely relevant to today's world.
He spoke about the beauty of confession. He defended why we do it and why it's not enough to just tell God your sorry, between you and Him. Whoa. Seriously? Can you imagine - first of all, I can, because I've stood in St. Peter's Basilica and HEARD another fabulous Pope address us and let me tell you, there are very few things in my life, other than the birth of all my children, that could top that.
Then, Pope Francis encouraged everyone to go to confession!!!!
Here are a few excerpts from what he spoke Wednesday(February 19, 2014 if you're interested in his papal audience talks).
“The Sacraments of Penance and Reconciliation [...] flow directly from the Paschal mystery…In fact, the same evening of Easter the Lord appeared to the disciples, closed in the Cenacle, and, after addressing to them the greeting ‘Peace be with you’, he breathed on them and said: ‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven.’ (Jn 20:21-23). This passage reveals to us the most profound dynamic contained in this Sacrament.”
He also spoke about how when we sin it's not just between us and God-this is crucial-
“Someone may say: ‘I confess only to God.’ Yes, you can tell God: ‘Forgive me’, and say your sins,” he said. “But our sins are also against the brothers, against the Church, and for this it is necessary to ask forgiveness to the Church and to the brothers, in the person of the priest.”
He also was so sweetly encouraging in the fact that he told the people to not be afraid!!!! And I gotta tell you, this is something I fight every time I go to confession!!!!
“Do not be afraid of Confession! One who is in line to confess himself feels all these things – even shame – but then, when he finishes confessing, he leaves free, great, beautiful, forgiven, [...] happy. And this is the beauty of Confession.”
I took the direct comments he made from CatholicVote, but you can find his audience talks here-
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/francesco/audiences/2014/documents/papa-francesco_20140219_udienza-generale_en.html
So with the Pope encouraging us, I thought it would be a great time to share how this Sacrament of Healing really is a Sacrament of healing. I'm going to be bold and raw and I know I will say things that some won't understand or may think wrong of me, but it is what it is and I believe this sacrament is that important.
Ok, my story starts about a month or two ago. (We usually make it a habit to attend confession as a family, once a month, but as of late, it's become increasingly more difficult because of the children's' sports schedules....we will be making adjustments to that very soon...)
I knew I needed to go to confession, but I kept putting it off. I kept making excuses. Well, sin has a great way of convincing us that little sins don't really add up. Yelling at my kids, swearing, taking God's name in vain, coveting my neighbor's things, jealously, a slothful prayer life, fighting with my husband, not treating others the way I want to be treated, perhaps misusing Natural Family Planning, lying, avoiding people because I just don't want to have "that" conversation. Week after week, pile after pile, and eventually what happens to my heart? That once clean, open, shining heart with the light of Jesus in it, had become dark, extinguished, and dismal. I was hateful, negative, jealous, angry, tired, moody, and above all, mad at God. You know, cause it's all HIS fault I'm such a sloth, right? Right.
As my heart grew darker, my prayer life grew dimmer. My thoughts that would normally turn to God, turned to darkness, bitterness, loneliness as I convinced myself that I was the only human being on the planet that was being so bombarded with this heavy burden of sin.....which, ironically, I had convinced myself wasn't even sin....it was just a dark time for me....
What I missed was the fact that every time I go to confession and I sit there before the priest who is actually sitting there before God, I am not only being absolved of my sins, but I am receiving something that only God Himself can give me! GRACE! That grace helps me to be strong and avoid temptation! Now, unfortunately, grace doesn't last forever because as humans, we are drawn to sin- remember the pretty package? It just takes a small look and before we know it, we're waist deep in it and even faster than that, we're sinking in the cesspool of sin....
Today I finally had an appointment with a priest at my church. He's a very humble man, who really has an incredible story of how he came to the priesthood, and he's such a great priest to go to for confession. I had made the appointment with the intent to "discuss" all my "burdens" and perhaps make a good confession- but he suggested I confess first and then talk.
Well, I started. And let me tell you, once I blubbered through all that I had done (and let me tell you, with six children, one husband, a few crazy friends, family and countrymen in my life, my list isn't short by any means....) I prayed my Act of Contrition and received absolution.
I sat back after being absolved and he encouraged me to talk about what was bothering me. The funniest thing- we discussed a few of the things I had confessed (that we didn't discuss during the actual confession- which by the way took an HOUR!) but suddenly, all the drama that had been weighing on my heart like a thousand pound brick, seemed trivial and almost silly. Some of it was still very serious, but I could see it with such clarity that I felt I could handle what I needed to do.
The Sacrament of Healing. Believe me when I say, it was a healing. I felt spiritually healed. I felt mentally healed (ok, disclaimer- when I say mentally healed, I mean the things that were causing me anxiousness, stress, etc, seemed to be lifted- not mental illness....). I felt emotionally healed.
Confession to me is like receiving a really big hug from Jesus as He cleans my heart out again and again, and again. So, today, I feel cleansed. I feel new again. I feel refreshed. Pope Francis encouraged all to go to confession- no matter how long it had been. I'll leave with the last thing he spoke about which is just beautiful....
"Dear friends, celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliation means being enfolded in a warm embrace: it is the embrace of the Father’s infinite mercy. Let us recall that beautiful, beautiful parable of the son who left his home with the money of his inheritance. He wasted all the money and then, when he had nothing left, he decided to return home, not as a son but as a servant. His heart was filled with so much guilt and shame. The surprise came when he began to speak, to ask for forgiveness, his father did not let him speak, he embraced him, he kissed him, and he began to make merry. But I am telling you: each time we go to confession, God embraces us. God rejoices! Let us go forward on this road. May God bless you!"
Let's go to confession- it's a beautiful, refreshing, healing Sacrament that can, and does, change lives!!!
Well, since I'm being so raw and honest I'll just confess. Unless I'm the only sinner left on earth (well, me, my husband and all my kiddos) we all do bad things. We all do bad things, and quite frankly, we do them really good....
Because let's face it- if sin was sooooo bad, meaning, if it looked gross, scary, life threatening, friendship ruining, soul sacrificing, let's throw our chance at Heaven out the door, why don't I just go ahead and punch my ticket to hell- we wouldn't touch it, would we? (well, some of my kids might, but that would only be because I said not too, and teaching that defiance is wrong has been rather difficult for some of mine to grasp.....)
But sin is packaged beautifully. Sin is packaged in such a way, that to be quite honest, unless we really pray and look to God for serious guidance, we can easily convince ourselves that our choices are exactly what God wants for us. In fact, what we might think is "ok, no one is getting hurt, I'm happier for this decision," might be the very sin that Satan wants you to say yes too, because ultimately, it makes you in charge and consulting the God of the Universe would be trivial after choosing that perfect little wrapped package of "goodness"....
Do you follow me? If not, no worries, I rarely follow myself and if you hold on, you'll at least go on one heck of a roller coaster and perhaps laugh a time or two and maybe before it's over it'll make sense, either that, or you can just tell people how you'll NEVER get that time back....ever.... :)
Let me make myself a tad more clear.....
The sacrament of Confession, Penance, Reconciliation (whatever you choose to call it) is very relevant today and very, very, very spiritually, and I'll even say, physically, emotionally, and perhaps even psychologically healing....I shall give a few points to ponder as to why, but first I want to tell everyone what the Pope talked about Wednesday at the general audience in Rome at St. Peter's Basilica. Funny thing, most of the media took a vacation on Wednesday from reporting what Pope Francis said and that affirms for me all the more that what he said was and is completely relevant to today's world.
He spoke about the beauty of confession. He defended why we do it and why it's not enough to just tell God your sorry, between you and Him. Whoa. Seriously? Can you imagine - first of all, I can, because I've stood in St. Peter's Basilica and HEARD another fabulous Pope address us and let me tell you, there are very few things in my life, other than the birth of all my children, that could top that.
Then, Pope Francis encouraged everyone to go to confession!!!!
Here are a few excerpts from what he spoke Wednesday(February 19, 2014 if you're interested in his papal audience talks).
“The Sacraments of Penance and Reconciliation [...] flow directly from the Paschal mystery…In fact, the same evening of Easter the Lord appeared to the disciples, closed in the Cenacle, and, after addressing to them the greeting ‘Peace be with you’, he breathed on them and said: ‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven.’ (Jn 20:21-23). This passage reveals to us the most profound dynamic contained in this Sacrament.”
He also spoke about how when we sin it's not just between us and God-this is crucial-
“Someone may say: ‘I confess only to God.’ Yes, you can tell God: ‘Forgive me’, and say your sins,” he said. “But our sins are also against the brothers, against the Church, and for this it is necessary to ask forgiveness to the Church and to the brothers, in the person of the priest.”
He also was so sweetly encouraging in the fact that he told the people to not be afraid!!!! And I gotta tell you, this is something I fight every time I go to confession!!!!
“Do not be afraid of Confession! One who is in line to confess himself feels all these things – even shame – but then, when he finishes confessing, he leaves free, great, beautiful, forgiven, [...] happy. And this is the beauty of Confession.”
I took the direct comments he made from CatholicVote, but you can find his audience talks here-
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/francesco/audiences/2014/documents/papa-francesco_20140219_udienza-generale_en.html
So with the Pope encouraging us, I thought it would be a great time to share how this Sacrament of Healing really is a Sacrament of healing. I'm going to be bold and raw and I know I will say things that some won't understand or may think wrong of me, but it is what it is and I believe this sacrament is that important.
Ok, my story starts about a month or two ago. (We usually make it a habit to attend confession as a family, once a month, but as of late, it's become increasingly more difficult because of the children's' sports schedules....we will be making adjustments to that very soon...)
I knew I needed to go to confession, but I kept putting it off. I kept making excuses. Well, sin has a great way of convincing us that little sins don't really add up. Yelling at my kids, swearing, taking God's name in vain, coveting my neighbor's things, jealously, a slothful prayer life, fighting with my husband, not treating others the way I want to be treated, perhaps misusing Natural Family Planning, lying, avoiding people because I just don't want to have "that" conversation. Week after week, pile after pile, and eventually what happens to my heart? That once clean, open, shining heart with the light of Jesus in it, had become dark, extinguished, and dismal. I was hateful, negative, jealous, angry, tired, moody, and above all, mad at God. You know, cause it's all HIS fault I'm such a sloth, right? Right.
As my heart grew darker, my prayer life grew dimmer. My thoughts that would normally turn to God, turned to darkness, bitterness, loneliness as I convinced myself that I was the only human being on the planet that was being so bombarded with this heavy burden of sin.....which, ironically, I had convinced myself wasn't even sin....it was just a dark time for me....
What I missed was the fact that every time I go to confession and I sit there before the priest who is actually sitting there before God, I am not only being absolved of my sins, but I am receiving something that only God Himself can give me! GRACE! That grace helps me to be strong and avoid temptation! Now, unfortunately, grace doesn't last forever because as humans, we are drawn to sin- remember the pretty package? It just takes a small look and before we know it, we're waist deep in it and even faster than that, we're sinking in the cesspool of sin....
Today I finally had an appointment with a priest at my church. He's a very humble man, who really has an incredible story of how he came to the priesthood, and he's such a great priest to go to for confession. I had made the appointment with the intent to "discuss" all my "burdens" and perhaps make a good confession- but he suggested I confess first and then talk.
Well, I started. And let me tell you, once I blubbered through all that I had done (and let me tell you, with six children, one husband, a few crazy friends, family and countrymen in my life, my list isn't short by any means....) I prayed my Act of Contrition and received absolution.
I sat back after being absolved and he encouraged me to talk about what was bothering me. The funniest thing- we discussed a few of the things I had confessed (that we didn't discuss during the actual confession- which by the way took an HOUR!) but suddenly, all the drama that had been weighing on my heart like a thousand pound brick, seemed trivial and almost silly. Some of it was still very serious, but I could see it with such clarity that I felt I could handle what I needed to do.
The Sacrament of Healing. Believe me when I say, it was a healing. I felt spiritually healed. I felt mentally healed (ok, disclaimer- when I say mentally healed, I mean the things that were causing me anxiousness, stress, etc, seemed to be lifted- not mental illness....). I felt emotionally healed.
Confession to me is like receiving a really big hug from Jesus as He cleans my heart out again and again, and again. So, today, I feel cleansed. I feel new again. I feel refreshed. Pope Francis encouraged all to go to confession- no matter how long it had been. I'll leave with the last thing he spoke about which is just beautiful....
"Dear friends, celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliation means being enfolded in a warm embrace: it is the embrace of the Father’s infinite mercy. Let us recall that beautiful, beautiful parable of the son who left his home with the money of his inheritance. He wasted all the money and then, when he had nothing left, he decided to return home, not as a son but as a servant. His heart was filled with so much guilt and shame. The surprise came when he began to speak, to ask for forgiveness, his father did not let him speak, he embraced him, he kissed him, and he began to make merry. But I am telling you: each time we go to confession, God embraces us. God rejoices! Let us go forward on this road. May God bless you!"
Let's go to confession- it's a beautiful, refreshing, healing Sacrament that can, and does, change lives!!!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Ugly Green Monster.....
Don't we all struggle with this? I sure wish I was writing about a Halloween costume I snaggled on Pinterest. (wait, snaggled isn't a word? Good-ness-it is now...)
But what I am talking about is something I deal with sometimes on a daily basis when I allow myself to wallow in my own self pity. And isn't the life of a mom (and wives, sisters, daughters, and single ladies out there, too) full of opportunities for self pity parties?
I would love to say that as a wife of over 17 years, a mother for 14 years, and a perpetual daughter of a King all my life, that I've never struggled with pity, ugly green monsters, or anything that involves coveting my neighbors goods/wife/etc what have you.
But the truth is, I have struggled and to be perfectly honest, that struggle has ended friendships, ruined relationships and basically, when I let it, turned my life into quite the drama.
Fortunately for me, I married someone whom God carved out completely with the ability to recognize those self pity moments and gave him the heart to not take things I say literally, or to heart. He helps me see when I'm "getting crazy" and reminds me that I'm not in charge and I'd better settle down and turn this over to God.
I am blessed. Blessed beyond what I deserve, but today, I want to share when those moments of green envy can destroy and potentially destroy beautiful things placed in our life.
One of the many blessings I have is the ability to stay home. I tried the whole "working mom" thing. Twice actually. Once, right after my 14 year old was born, and the second time, when I wanted my kiddos (had only 4 at the time) to attend Catholic schools and my husband showed me our income. Teaching in the school was the only option (so I thought) to send my kids where I felt they belonged (or in my "rational" head, where they would be safe). It worked for two years and then we were blessed with baby #5 and teaching with 5 children became something my husband had to convince me of, was not happening. We struggle financially only with thing we want. God has blessed my husband with a great job and all our needs (shelter, food, hand me downs) are provided.
With this blessing came an opportunity about a month ago. My daughter who is 10 (5th grader) was struggling in school. Not academically so much, but she was overcome with such anxiety that many nights were spent sleepless, worried, and sick to her stomach over things she couldn't explain. She didn't know why she was so worried, or why her heart raced, or why she couldn't just "close her eyes" and fall asleep like everyone else. She shared a cozy room, had plenty to help her fall asleep, but sleep would not come. Very rarely did we have consecutive nights where sleep would come. Once we figured out that school was very much the problem, we set to prayer. Should we pull her from school? We tried the "everyone can just get along and finish up the school year" trick. We reminded her daily that there are people, especially in charge, who we just won't get along with, and we must learn to persevere. We prayed together. We talked a lot. We lost as much sleep as she did and with a baby in the house, losing sleep is really, really, really, hard.... (did I mention how hard it is?)
Finally, something snapped and the door opened and the opportunity presented itself to pull her from school.
So for the last month, I have taught 5th grade once again (that was my first, "real" teaching job eons ago when my husband and I first married!!) It's been very enjoyable, and to be honest, it's been the whack on my head I've needed to realize what my daughter needed because, as of this past week- she has had zero sleepless nights.... (now the baby, on the other hand.....that's another blog for another day)
But with this new endeavor I have come to the realization of something.
I am very lonely.
Yes, I have my awesome daughter and baby home with me all day.
All day.
Allllll daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I don't want to sound resentful, because I'm not. But I have recognized several things.
1) life is still going on
2) life is still going on
3) life is still going on
I should probably clarify so I don't sound completely like a whiney teenager who was grounded from her cell phone....
Prior to pulling my daughter, I pretty much did (within reason since I do have a baby)whatever I wanted. If I wanted to go shopping, I went shopping. If I wanted to grab a coffee with a friend, I grabbed a coffee with a friend. If I wanted to invite myself over for lunch at my girlfriend's house, I just invited myself over.
Well, when you decide in the middle of the school year to pull your child and have zero curriculum, plans, etc., you tend to be overwhelmed, extremely busy, and full of just a hair of worry that you're not going to take what she's learned this first half of the year and not flush it down the toilet because you got this hairbrained idea it would be "good" for her and you to homeschool.
So along with the fact that my daughter's health has improved DRAMATICALLY, my ugly green monster friend has GROWN dramatically.
Because you see, life is still going on. And what does poor, pitiful, catholicmomma think? I'm all alone.... (said in a high pitch, crying voice, as pathetic as you can imagine).
Stores are still open for shopping, friends are still meeting for coffee, and my girlfriend is still eating lunch.....
WITHOUT ME..... (again, said in high pitch, crying voice as pathetic as you can imagine....)
In walks ugly, green monster.
I don't know what anyone's ugly, green monster looks like, but mine takes on several forms....
The first form is the self doubter form.
You know the one, instead of talking you down off the cliff, he practically shoves you over by saying things like, "you can't teach this, you're not smart enough, you're going to ruin your child." He did a number or two on me in the beginning of this adventure, but I have since dumped him for an even better one.
The second one likes to remind you of all you're missing.
I like to call him the "tattle tale" form. He's constantly telling me what's on sale at Target and how "before" I could run errands and help save tons of money by shopping savvy and now look at me- I have to pretty much shop like a maniac at one place and grab what I can at a one shop stop, thereby spending more money than want, but feeling no other way to do it.
The third form is probably the worst and actually the one I sometimes find myself struggling with regardless of my current situation.
He's the one that tries to convince me I have no friends, or the friends I have don't like me, or I'm better off without friends because I'm so pathetic.
He's the worst. Because right now, I haven't spent very much time with friends, and when I do get the opportunity, he likes to put thoughts in my head of regret, loneliness, and reminders that they are always getting together and visiting and laughing and having a GREAT time, without me.... He's very good as his job. He makes me green with envy in such a split moment, that before I realize it, I find myself desiring, or regretting, depending on the thought, making a different choice than what I'm doing now....
It's very hard to actually admit things like this. I am guessing, some people struggle with this, and very rarely admit it, or perhaps even recognize it. Maybe there are those who never suffer from this monster, and if that the case, they are blessed even more. But I'm guessing more suffer than don't.
So what do we do about this ugly, green monster, who invades our minds like a fungus and seems to never want to leave?
The solution may be simpler than we think.
We have to begin to first recognize what makes that monster start to appear. For me, it's self doubt. I know as soon as I start letting one thought of self doubt appear and I don't stop it automatically, it will spiral faster than a 5 year old coming off a sugar buzz on Halloween night. Some of you know exactly, what I'm talking 'bout there... mmm mmmmmmmm.....
Once I recognize the monster's presence, I really have to make a conscience effort to tell him to beat it. Think Michael Jackson's song, Beat It. This first verse is really all you need, and the chorus....
"They Told Him Don't You Ever Come Around Here
Don't Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear
The Fire's In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
So Beat It, Just Beat It"
The ugly green monster is who better disappear.
Ok, so if singing Michael Jackson's song, Beat It, isn't your thing (or perhaps, you're under the age of 35 and have no clue as to what I'm talking about) there are other options.
Surround yourself with Ducks.
The former pastor of my church once spoke at our Mom's group. He said, "Ducks need ducks."
Seriously, how can such a simple phrase have any impact on the green monster, you ask? Simple.
When you surround yourself with like minded people, not only does it lift you up, but it those difficult times, it can help rid those green monsters! Seriously. One of my girlfriends is notoriously in the same 'dilemma' as I am with our monsters. She recognizes in my voice (as I do hers) when that monster has taken over and she either comes over, or has me over. We need one another. Yes, my husband is also one of my ducks, but as a Woman of God, I need other Godly women to lift me as well. My husband recognizes this need too, and often encourages me to be with my friends when I can.
It's important, especially now, for me to plan times together. Mostly in the evening, or Saturday mornings (when there is less chaos at home and I can get my schooling in during the week day).
Pray.
One of the best, and most successful ways to rid us of our monsters is to pray. And for me, and my Catholic faith, prayer AND reconciliation. There is POWER in confession. If you haven't read Scott Hahn's, Lord Have Mercy, The Healing Power of Confession, you need to. There's a "cliff notes" version in Lighthouse Catholic Media you can listen to that's somewhat abbreviated...But it's GOOD!
I can always tell when it's been too long since my last confession because my body physically aches for it. There is such a healing in my heart (and my head) that takes place as I sit there before the priest who is actually sitting there for Christ that I can't put into words to make it clear enough. The feeling, the power, the cleansing, it's beyond what I can explain. But know this, if it's been a long time since you've been, go. Your heart and soul will thank you for it. Speaking of, mine is in need, so meet me next Saturday and we'll go together.... :)
The point is this. We don't have to sit and wallow in our self pity. We don't have to sit and let that ugly, green monster reap it's reward as it decimates you and your soul to a weepy mess on the couch or in your bed. We can overcome this thing.
Pray for me, and my ugly, green monsters. I'll do the same for you as well.
As always, be blessed and recognize those blessings.
No matter how small.
But what I am talking about is something I deal with sometimes on a daily basis when I allow myself to wallow in my own self pity. And isn't the life of a mom (and wives, sisters, daughters, and single ladies out there, too) full of opportunities for self pity parties?
I would love to say that as a wife of over 17 years, a mother for 14 years, and a perpetual daughter of a King all my life, that I've never struggled with pity, ugly green monsters, or anything that involves coveting my neighbors goods/wife/etc what have you.
But the truth is, I have struggled and to be perfectly honest, that struggle has ended friendships, ruined relationships and basically, when I let it, turned my life into quite the drama.
Fortunately for me, I married someone whom God carved out completely with the ability to recognize those self pity moments and gave him the heart to not take things I say literally, or to heart. He helps me see when I'm "getting crazy" and reminds me that I'm not in charge and I'd better settle down and turn this over to God.
I am blessed. Blessed beyond what I deserve, but today, I want to share when those moments of green envy can destroy and potentially destroy beautiful things placed in our life.
One of the many blessings I have is the ability to stay home. I tried the whole "working mom" thing. Twice actually. Once, right after my 14 year old was born, and the second time, when I wanted my kiddos (had only 4 at the time) to attend Catholic schools and my husband showed me our income. Teaching in the school was the only option (so I thought) to send my kids where I felt they belonged (or in my "rational" head, where they would be safe). It worked for two years and then we were blessed with baby #5 and teaching with 5 children became something my husband had to convince me of, was not happening. We struggle financially only with thing we want. God has blessed my husband with a great job and all our needs (shelter, food, hand me downs) are provided.
With this blessing came an opportunity about a month ago. My daughter who is 10 (5th grader) was struggling in school. Not academically so much, but she was overcome with such anxiety that many nights were spent sleepless, worried, and sick to her stomach over things she couldn't explain. She didn't know why she was so worried, or why her heart raced, or why she couldn't just "close her eyes" and fall asleep like everyone else. She shared a cozy room, had plenty to help her fall asleep, but sleep would not come. Very rarely did we have consecutive nights where sleep would come. Once we figured out that school was very much the problem, we set to prayer. Should we pull her from school? We tried the "everyone can just get along and finish up the school year" trick. We reminded her daily that there are people, especially in charge, who we just won't get along with, and we must learn to persevere. We prayed together. We talked a lot. We lost as much sleep as she did and with a baby in the house, losing sleep is really, really, really, hard.... (did I mention how hard it is?)
Finally, something snapped and the door opened and the opportunity presented itself to pull her from school.
So for the last month, I have taught 5th grade once again (that was my first, "real" teaching job eons ago when my husband and I first married!!) It's been very enjoyable, and to be honest, it's been the whack on my head I've needed to realize what my daughter needed because, as of this past week- she has had zero sleepless nights.... (now the baby, on the other hand.....that's another blog for another day)
But with this new endeavor I have come to the realization of something.
I am very lonely.
Yes, I have my awesome daughter and baby home with me all day.
All day.
Allllll daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I don't want to sound resentful, because I'm not. But I have recognized several things.
1) life is still going on
2) life is still going on
3) life is still going on
I should probably clarify so I don't sound completely like a whiney teenager who was grounded from her cell phone....
Prior to pulling my daughter, I pretty much did (within reason since I do have a baby)whatever I wanted. If I wanted to go shopping, I went shopping. If I wanted to grab a coffee with a friend, I grabbed a coffee with a friend. If I wanted to invite myself over for lunch at my girlfriend's house, I just invited myself over.
Well, when you decide in the middle of the school year to pull your child and have zero curriculum, plans, etc., you tend to be overwhelmed, extremely busy, and full of just a hair of worry that you're not going to take what she's learned this first half of the year and not flush it down the toilet because you got this hairbrained idea it would be "good" for her and you to homeschool.
So along with the fact that my daughter's health has improved DRAMATICALLY, my ugly green monster friend has GROWN dramatically.
Because you see, life is still going on. And what does poor, pitiful, catholicmomma think? I'm all alone.... (said in a high pitch, crying voice, as pathetic as you can imagine).
Stores are still open for shopping, friends are still meeting for coffee, and my girlfriend is still eating lunch.....
WITHOUT ME..... (again, said in high pitch, crying voice as pathetic as you can imagine....)
In walks ugly, green monster.
I don't know what anyone's ugly, green monster looks like, but mine takes on several forms....
The first form is the self doubter form.
You know the one, instead of talking you down off the cliff, he practically shoves you over by saying things like, "you can't teach this, you're not smart enough, you're going to ruin your child." He did a number or two on me in the beginning of this adventure, but I have since dumped him for an even better one.
The second one likes to remind you of all you're missing.
I like to call him the "tattle tale" form. He's constantly telling me what's on sale at Target and how "before" I could run errands and help save tons of money by shopping savvy and now look at me- I have to pretty much shop like a maniac at one place and grab what I can at a one shop stop, thereby spending more money than want, but feeling no other way to do it.
The third form is probably the worst and actually the one I sometimes find myself struggling with regardless of my current situation.
He's the one that tries to convince me I have no friends, or the friends I have don't like me, or I'm better off without friends because I'm so pathetic.
He's the worst. Because right now, I haven't spent very much time with friends, and when I do get the opportunity, he likes to put thoughts in my head of regret, loneliness, and reminders that they are always getting together and visiting and laughing and having a GREAT time, without me.... He's very good as his job. He makes me green with envy in such a split moment, that before I realize it, I find myself desiring, or regretting, depending on the thought, making a different choice than what I'm doing now....
It's very hard to actually admit things like this. I am guessing, some people struggle with this, and very rarely admit it, or perhaps even recognize it. Maybe there are those who never suffer from this monster, and if that the case, they are blessed even more. But I'm guessing more suffer than don't.
So what do we do about this ugly, green monster, who invades our minds like a fungus and seems to never want to leave?
The solution may be simpler than we think.
We have to begin to first recognize what makes that monster start to appear. For me, it's self doubt. I know as soon as I start letting one thought of self doubt appear and I don't stop it automatically, it will spiral faster than a 5 year old coming off a sugar buzz on Halloween night. Some of you know exactly, what I'm talking 'bout there... mmm mmmmmmmm.....
Once I recognize the monster's presence, I really have to make a conscience effort to tell him to beat it. Think Michael Jackson's song, Beat It. This first verse is really all you need, and the chorus....
"They Told Him Don't You Ever Come Around Here
Don't Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear
The Fire's In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
So Beat It, Just Beat It"
The ugly green monster is who better disappear.
Ok, so if singing Michael Jackson's song, Beat It, isn't your thing (or perhaps, you're under the age of 35 and have no clue as to what I'm talking about) there are other options.
Surround yourself with Ducks.
The former pastor of my church once spoke at our Mom's group. He said, "Ducks need ducks."
Seriously, how can such a simple phrase have any impact on the green monster, you ask? Simple.
When you surround yourself with like minded people, not only does it lift you up, but it those difficult times, it can help rid those green monsters! Seriously. One of my girlfriends is notoriously in the same 'dilemma' as I am with our monsters. She recognizes in my voice (as I do hers) when that monster has taken over and she either comes over, or has me over. We need one another. Yes, my husband is also one of my ducks, but as a Woman of God, I need other Godly women to lift me as well. My husband recognizes this need too, and often encourages me to be with my friends when I can.
It's important, especially now, for me to plan times together. Mostly in the evening, or Saturday mornings (when there is less chaos at home and I can get my schooling in during the week day).
Pray.
One of the best, and most successful ways to rid us of our monsters is to pray. And for me, and my Catholic faith, prayer AND reconciliation. There is POWER in confession. If you haven't read Scott Hahn's, Lord Have Mercy, The Healing Power of Confession, you need to. There's a "cliff notes" version in Lighthouse Catholic Media you can listen to that's somewhat abbreviated...But it's GOOD!
I can always tell when it's been too long since my last confession because my body physically aches for it. There is such a healing in my heart (and my head) that takes place as I sit there before the priest who is actually sitting there for Christ that I can't put into words to make it clear enough. The feeling, the power, the cleansing, it's beyond what I can explain. But know this, if it's been a long time since you've been, go. Your heart and soul will thank you for it. Speaking of, mine is in need, so meet me next Saturday and we'll go together.... :)
The point is this. We don't have to sit and wallow in our self pity. We don't have to sit and let that ugly, green monster reap it's reward as it decimates you and your soul to a weepy mess on the couch or in your bed. We can overcome this thing.
Pray for me, and my ugly, green monsters. I'll do the same for you as well.
As always, be blessed and recognize those blessings.
No matter how small.
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