A Plumber I am not....

Today (and most every day) I learned a valuable lesson in the world of gifts and talents....


I am NOT a plumber.  I will NEVER be a plumber.  I have NO DESIRE to ever WANT to be a plumber.

Hey, I know there is money in this field.  I am actually almost willing to pay it, but were it not for the grace of God that I managed to put a band aid on my children's toilet.  And that band aid is subject to destruction because of course, NONE OF THEM ARE HERE TO TEST IT OUT...

Back up a bit.

My superhero hubs is out on a mission.  I'm not allowed to discuss it.  Matter of fact, he specifically asked I not post anything about it on Facebook.  (but he did not say I couldn't blog about it...)  I'll be as non specific as I can be.   Suffice it to say, he's gone.  He's gone for two weeks.  He left JUST this past Sunday.  You do the math....

So as Newton's law, or Morton's salt, or whatever that "your 'honey just left, let the self destructing  house take over" law is, the fun started almost immediately as soon as he left the state.  I'm not kidding.  My oldest daughter flushed their toilet upstairs and I hear, "uh oh."

No.  Heeeeelll noooooo.

You see, much like vomit, things that go wrong with our toilets are absolutely, positively, unequivocally, my kryptonite.  I hate toilets.  I hate toilets most especially when they are clogged.  Spill over.  Over pooped in.  Over toilet papered in. My good Heavenly Father- how DO girls use so much friggin toilet paper?  Do they not understand the idea that maybe you're not done if it's taking the entire roll to wipe??????

I'm sorry.  It's day 4.  Once the toilet upstairs was unclogged, and let me assure anyone who asks, the toilet plunger is STILL sitting on the garbage bag I left it on OUT in the garage for ANYONE who would like to take it, clean it, and put it up.  Ain't gonna be  me!

Once the toilet was unclogged, I sat my girls down.  (I have six, but really only 4 that actually wipe their tails....one is in a diaper and the other, thankfully, still let's me wipe her arse....did I say thankfully let's me do that?) I included the boy as well, because let's face it, he's got waaaaaaay too much estrogen floating around him so he's bound to pick up some really bad poop habits.....

I probably should have prefaced this blog with a serious warning.  Mea culpa.

So, like I was saying, I  sat them down.  Refreshed their memories of past toilet cloggations that left our basement soaked with toilet water, and assured them that I would not hesitate to send them out to the  outhouse if they didn't start abiding by the toilet paper/courtesy flush law.

One of those adorable minions actually asked where the outhouse was.  When I assured her that it was the great outdoors- the entire yard could be her litter box, she quickly caught on to what I was implying.... (these kids these days are quick-I'll give 'em that....)

What is the toilet paper/courtesy flush law?  Well, glad you asked.  I reminded them of that great singer, oh, what's her name?  Married to the cyclist who doped up.... come ON brain, for love of all that's holy, this is NOT the time to shut down.....LANCE ARMSTRONG- married to....... COME ON....
CHERYL CROW!!!!

Remember when she came out a few years ago, (ok, maybe decades, I've lost a LOT of sleep in 16 years...) and demanded that we all use three squares of toilet paper and any more than that was literally ruining our earth?  Well, perhaps good ole Cheryl was on to something.  Maybe instead of demanding we ALL comply with her goofiness, she was really addressing kids!  Kids who INSIST on using about 45 squares to wipe urine and nothing LESS than 180 squares to wipe POO!!!

You think I'm exaggerating.  Well, ask ANYONE in my house and I ASSURE you they will look at you as though you have lost your cotton pickin'  mind if you try to tell them to use less....

My paper towel/courtesy flush law is very similar to  Cheryl Crow's plea to  save the planet one square at a time, except mine is literally just to save my house from smelling like a litter box the minute you walk in.  There are only so many glade plugins I can have plugged in before the baby starts figuring out that if you turn them upside down, they drip.  They drip HOT LIQUID....  And it burns.  Let's just say, I found that out the hard way..... (shush it, curiosity got the better of me!)

So back to the law.  If you just pee, please use a few squares and flush.  Every time.  Not just when it looks like the bowl has reached it's maximum holding capacity for 798 squares.  (now THAT is an exaggeration....)

However, if you poo....... the rule must  ABSOLUTELY be followed.  If you find that you are filling the bowl with your poo before you even think are close to finish, you must enact the "courtesy flush" law.  Now this law is actually adapted from my time in college when I spent the better part of 4 years yelling "flush" to the poor girl in the shower who had to dive bomb away from the shower head before the blast of fire water shot her and melted her flesh after the flush.... I yelled flush and was yelled flush at for almost 4 years of college dorm life.... it was scarring to say the least.... but I have carried over with me the courtesy on two levels.   First, if your dump is smelly as a dead skunk just run over, or a rotten egg, please for the love of all that's  holy, FLUSH IT.  Nothing, and I'm certain NOTHING, will make the smell start going away if you just sit there and leave it til the end..... seriously, if you don't know this by now, you must have very forgiving roommates.....

Second, the bowl only holds SO MUCH.  I don't care WHAT the commercial shows, you can NOT flush 200 golf balls down my toilet and NOT have repercussions..... serious, disgusting, poop is coming over the bowl and going in the cracks of the wood floor, repercussions....

So that means, flush it.  Halfway through your dump.  Flush it.  Mid way through your wipe.  Flush it.  Just flush it.  Flush it even when in doubt.  I assure you, I'll take your time in purgatory for being so wasteful with toilet water....

So we had the talk.  I felt the children and I were on the same page.  I am pretty sure after my childish, immature display while trying to plunge that nastiness on Sunday night, they were quite possibly hammering out the details for timing their bowl movements during school.....

Well then last night happened.....

"Ummmmm, Mom?  The toilet won't flush at all."

What the heck do you mean it won't flush at all?

Why she meant the toilet won't flush at all!

The handle is dead....just flops there...

Why look!  Plastic, when strained enough, DOES snap in half!

Do you see it?  The broken piece of plastic?    You know, because plastic is so durable and all.  I really should design a bathroom for kids.... STEEL parts come to mind.........

So I was faced with this at 6:45 this morning.  FAB-U-LOUS..... No really.... Fabulous.... I had already planned my morning to the minute.  Was going to get everyone  off to school.  Feed the two youngest and let them play around for a bit.  Put the youngest one down for a nap and head to the basement to do my goal of working out everyday that the superhero hubs is gone....

BAM..... wanna make God laugh?   Tell Him YOUR plans..... Now I'm not saying God didn't like the idea that I had my morning all organized, but I could have really  let this bring me down.  I was flustered at the thought of dealing with yet another toilet issue.... I was upset at the thought of having to dress warmly the  two yahoos still at home and trek all.the.way.to.home.depot to get a silly  toilet part.I was mad because we have SEVEN CHILDREN.... I know only 5 of them actually use that bathroom, but selfishly I didn't want them using MY bathroom!!  Have you SEEN their bathroom?  It's a freakin' science experiment and it doesn't disgust them!!!  They are absolutely gonna enjoy living a life of filth if I don't intervene soon and teach them that bad things can grow in nastiness.... So  you can darn well  bet I was mad about having to share my bathroom with them!!!

(remember, I am a  selfish person- I've already stated that disclaimer many, many, many blogs ago...)

So there I was.  Looking at the toilet and wondering how on earth could I fix it.

My oldest daughter, who will be 16 in just a little over a week, sent me a link to a youtube video. (I swear, what the HECK did we do before youtube?  Run to the library for a "how to fix it" book?)

It was exactly what was wrong with their toilet and it appeared to be a sinch to fix....  Well, I was grateful for her help and hugged her and told her we'd be ok.

I even managed to find the part and try to put it on the toilet.  As luck would have it, my toilets must be a special, one of kind, deal.  Because the part "fits" but if you  don't pop the handle up after a few seconds, it will just continue to run and run and run and run and run and run water and  well, just continue to add to my time in purgatory for not using toilet water more efficiently....

But beyond that, the band aid is on and the toilet is semi functional now.

But the lesson learned is  far more deep.  (you KNEW there would be a lesson if you just stuck with the stink a while longer....)

I had the amazing opportunity to offer up the inconvenience of so many things this  morning for people.  People who are meeting with doctors to discuss cancer, people who are struggling in their marriages, people who are suffering physical health issues.... I was able to make a really disgusting situation (one that particularly pains me, right up there with VOMIT) and make it a prayer.

See how easy praying can be?  I honestly, would never have thought of it several years ago....it wasn't even on my radar that I could make a  prayer out of my yuckiness.... now does that mean I deal well with my yucky?   Of course not.  It's not a cure, it's not a fix all, but it is a way to help me offer up some of my yuck to hopefully help someone else who has a bit more  yuck than I..... and let's face it....potty troubles are pretty minimal when we  think about it.... even the poo ones.... (yes, I keep saying it over and over.....it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal....)

Hope this Thursday finds you well.  The next time you encounter a bump in the road, try offering up your inconvenience, your trouble, your sadness, your whatever, for someone close to you.  Perhaps a loved one.  Perhaps someone who gives you trouble.  See if it doesn't help make the yuck a bit more doable.

Because despite how nasty my children's bathroom is, despite how the toilet is 'kinda' fixed, I have a different perspective now.

It's just a toilet.

My life isn't going to be changed, altered, destroyed, in any way because of it....

Gotta remember that....