Confessions and Faith

I have a confession to make.

It's been 20 weeks in the making.

Y'all, I think I've been ashamed of this pregnancy.   I mean, almost, like being an unwed momma and finding out your having a baby, wear baggy clothes and don't tell anyone, and just let them think you're gaining weight in your mid-section ashamed.  It's really been eye-opening.  And, in the same breath, embarrassing.  And by no means, something I'm proud of.  It's been hard to put into words what I'm trying to convey, so if this sounds confusing, I apologize, but blogging for me lately, has been very therapeutic to really see.

I am usually the one who posts a million prego pictures and lists all the developments going on with the baby in utero, from the moment of conception until the day this little peanut is born (little is a figurative word, considering my first seven babies were all over 8 pounds, five of them being nearly 9 pounds....).

It started with being afraid to tell family.  Then it escalated to the general public.  Now it's just a full fledged fear that I've allowed to take over my world.

My family and friends took it fine.  I'm sure snarky comments are made.  Honestly, who wouldn't make a snarky comment about a family of 9 becoming a family of 10 in today's world where the average number of children is 2.4 (how that is possible, eye roll inserted...). I mean, I would probably do the same if I was the same person I was 21 years ago.  Truly.

But as my belly grew (and believe me, day one it grew....) and grew, I became more markedly aware of the fact that I might appear to be a freak of nature for people, and perhaps, would lead them to make very uncharitable comments, or comments I was frankly not in the mood to deflect....

I was dressing with big clothing.  Wearing large sweatshirts.  Praying it would stay cooler so that a jacket might always be needed until impending birth......(NO, THIS WINTER IS NOT MY FAULT!)

But y'all, I was doing it completely subconsciously.  I had no idea I was actually ashamed, and perhaps ashamed or embarrassed are not the correct words, perhaps just wanting to blend in would be a better description....either way, this morning, when I woke at 5am and could not for the life of me, fall back asleep, it truly dawned on me what I was doing.... and I was ashamed by that realization.

Nothing like really walking the walk, right?  I was clearly talking the talk about being open to life, but when the going got pregnant, the pregnant went incognito!

A whole assortment of concerns plagued me:

I'm old (44 when baby comes)

People already think we are a tad nuts

Despite how I laugh, people's bizarre comments do hurt my feelings

I don't feel very equipped to handle another child

I really struggle with people's comments to me (like, terribly struggle, in case you didn't catch that)

It's so hard trying to explain how NFP works when people are looking at your large brood

When on earth DOES MENOPAUSE START!!!!!!!!!!!  

(ok, last one is just teasin....I do understand biology and actually find our bodies quite fascinating and the entire reproduction process completely fascinating and find it difficult for people not to believe in a higher power when you really delve into the entire process.....)


But besides the concerns were the reactions of our family and friends.  How would families where we live react.  How people at my children's schools would react.  I mean, seriously, if pride was ever a concern of mine, it clearly reared it's ugly head out FULL FORCE this time.

But last night, as fear began to creep into my heart because today I was having an ultrasound, I began to see what was going on with my heart.  My fear exposed the truth of my shame front and center.  I was embarrassed as the door of that shame opened up and the floodgates of all I had avoided were put in front of me.  Picking up my kids at school and making my children go in and get someone, avoiding going places during the day for fear of running into someone, and basically hiding out in my home.....all front and center as I faced my fear of this ultrasound.  My fear was semi-unfounded, but because of all the stigma about all the things that can "go wrong" when your actually 9 years over the AMA starting point (age 35), fear can sometimes just creep in, despite our best attempts to stop it.

Not to mention, the paper the nurse was filling out my history on stated very largely at the top, "ANOMALY SCREENING."

Anomaly screening?  That means problems....then the genetic questions started.  My blood pressure which is generally 100/60, was actually 134/66 as the screening was occurring.  My heart was racing.  First question, "so you DIDN'T have genetic testing for Downs Syndrome?"
The verbal answer no sounded like a tiny, barely audible, person....the tougher, more fiery red headed voice inside me yelled, "WHAT WOULD IT CHANGE IF I DID??"

Then as if I wasn't worried enough, a whole gamete of genetic questions about anomalies I didn't even THINK about were tossed at me one at a time. I was getting hot....

When she got to the mental issues, I almost paused and asked, "in what regard, and does there have to be an actual medical diagnoses???," but thankfully, my tiny voice was still in charge and once again, barely whispered, 'no.'

When I returned to my awesome super hero hubs, who was waiting on me, I filled him in on all the "basic" questions and even joked that yes, I was asked, "are they all with the same dad?"  We always have a good chuckle over that one, because most of the time, it's people at the grocery store asking it...as if it's some unwritten code to ask such things of women pregnant for the umpteenth time.... :)

I was so nervous.  Some of those genetic anomalies I had never even imagined, or worried about, but now because of the power of words, I was suddenly dreading this ultrasound worse than I had been just a few hours prior.

All I could do was pray.  So in my heart, I took it to my Father....

"Lord, you make all things.  ALL things.  All life is precious and made in your image, no matter how society might view it.  This baby is already loved by SO MANY people, remind my heart of that love and how love will move mountains and build strength.  Lord, Jesus, I love you.  Help my untrust.  Which feels huge and sadly not of you....."  

The longer I sat there, the more He unfolded for me my shame of this pregnancy.  How it was rooted in fear, my terrible issues with pride, and my total need for control-which even now, I struggle with.
He showed me those moments where I avoided people.  Dressed to cover my swollen belly, and even refused to do things just to stay hidden from public view.  He was peeling away the layers of this world that had taken hold of me and really, to describe it using crazycatholicmomma terms-

RIPPING THE SCAB OFF...

The ultrasound tech soon called us back and she could not have been more delightful.  I don't know if my chart really has red flags all over it as we joke about, but at that moment, she didn't give the impression that we were "those crazy people with lots o' children."

I had the most thorough ultrasound I've ever had in the history of pregnancies (which is a 17 year span)and each time she pointed out a body part, or even what the baby was doing, she did it with delight.  Almost joy!  It was refreshing!

She gave us a few pictures and said the doctor would be in shortly.  The doctor came in and once again, was another beautiful gift from Above.  She looked at each picture on the screen, commenting each time how perfectly formed each part was, and when she took a peek herself with the ultrasound machine, she was still so complimentary of Baby #8.  She finished the ultrasound and asked if we had any questions.  I of course, hemmed and hawed but finally found the words I wanted to ask.

"So, I know I'm 'old' in obstetric world, but you find the baby to be ok as far as you can tell from ultrasound?"

(I'm no dummy when it comes to genetics. I do understand that some genetic issues can NOT be detected on ultrasound, but we have come so far with these (non-evasive FYI) ultrasounds that so much of the brain and heart, spinal column development, organ development, and measurements of the distance between the eyes and shape of feet/hands can and do help determine many genetic issues.)

She was amazing.  She said every part looked amazing.  All were measuring/working exactly as they should and I really wasn't 'old' (she's too sweet-she knows who's paying for this....HA) and she's actually seen more women my age have healthy pregnancies than not.

Call her my grace moment for the day.   God literally took these two beautiful people, and allowed those two to be the ones to see me this morning.  I felt blessed, and sorry in the same breath.  I was sorry for being so ashamed of this amazing gift of life.  I made a vow then and there to stand tall and be proud of this gift.  So, so sooooooooo many women I know struggle with fertility and would give anything to be in my shoes....I need to recognize this gift and not hide it under a sweatshirt....

We had our appointment with my OB after and while we waited I spoke to my superhero hubs about my realization of how I'd been acting.  Sometimes, it's easier for him to smile and nod at me, and for that I am grateful.  I can tend to be a hot mess and he knows that.  I am blessed by his love.  It's completely unconditional and most days, undeserving because I am sometimes a royal pain!

I am home now.  Staring at the adorable picture of baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl.   Totally assuming since the last 5 were girls that this one for sure is and wondering what name I will EVER agree to......But also, sitting here in awe of my sheer lack of faith, but reminding myself how Jesus said we needed just the faith of a mustard seed.  In Matthew and Luke, Jesus tells us if we just had faith the size of a mustard seed we could tell a mountain to move and a mulberry tree to move. I am pretty sure, I don't even have the faith of a mustard seed.....yet......but I am working on it.  As I always say, I'm like clay in the Potter's Hands.  A piece of work that is allowing God to mold me (albeit some days I feel like unbendable steel) into the person He created me to be.

Alien baby staring at me!

Sweet profile-can see TEETH!

I am NOT Super Mom!!!!

I am reading the best book on the planet.  I mean, BEST book on the planet.  I'll post more about it, further down, but before all my bookworm friends remind me I say that about every.single.book I read, you're right.  I have read some amazing books over the years, and it seems to me that the writers just keep getting more amazing.  I don't read a lot of books outside my faith, simply because there are so many darn good books to read IN my faith I just don't have time.  Oh, yes, I'll read the occasional best seller like, "Unbroken"  (awesome book by the way), but mostly I read books either about my Catholic faith, or written by some amazing Catholic authors who write about motherhood, being a woman, etc, etc, etc.  This book is no different.  It's called, "Getting Past Perfect."

Best.book.ever.

It's written by a woman I've never heard of, which is incredible considering I pretty much stalk, er, I mean, follow about every amazing writer out there, but nonetheless, one of our speakers from our first conference last year suggested her for next year and so I ordered her most recent book to devour, er, I mean, skim through, to see if she was someone who could potentially meet all women of all walks of life, not just moms....

She has passed with flying colors, but what I found most refreshing in it, was something I struggle with a lot. 

I'm not super mom.  

I've always known it.  Heck, if you ask my kids, they'll be the first to tell you, even if you don't ask them!!  

I had a really great conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  She called me wonder woman when she was proclaiming how amazing it was I was pregnant with my 8th and still considering teaching religion class next year. (I'm on the fence about teaching, but my actual super hero hubs said I should).  I was very quick to tell her I'm no super mom.  She balked as though I was being too humble, and of course, made the generalized statement, "I could never handle eight kids!  I can barely handle my __________."  Fill in the blank there.  Because any number lower than 8 is what I will hear from here on out.

And I don't say it begrudgingly.  I say it sincerely.  First off, you don't have 8.  I don't tangibly have 8 and I can't handle 8 right now. That's why I get 9 months to prepare.  I'm not saying sign yourself for 8, on the contrary.  We live in a society that completely and utterly FROWNS on large families.  Try getting your kids on multiple sports teams.  These days, if you have more than two, you'll need a second mortgage and two good kidneys so you can sell one, because we don't live in a large family friendly affordable world anymore.  

And our culture does a fantastic job of reminding us daily how ridiculous the cost of rearing just one of those little minions does to our savings!  I know, you're probably surprised we aren't in line at the mental hospital waiting our turn to wear the sweet cozy jacket and be in the nice padded room when we think about those silly costs that somehow, some family, some where, told a pollster person and made it the cost of the gods of raising kids.....Listen to me now- KIDS DO NOT NEED NEW THINGS ALL THE TIME OR 40 GIFTS TO OPEN A PIECE AT CHRISTMAS TO FEEL LOVED OR ACCEPTED IN THIS WORLD....

Rant over momentarily.  

But her comment bothers me because it's why I really want people to see what life is like in a house full of LOTS of humans.  And not just any humans, but tiny ones, big ones, hormonal ones, angry ones, happy ones, silly ones, ones who feel the world is against them, ones who feel their siblings don't understand.... I mean, Jerry Springer ain't got NOTHIN' on drama.  My house could feed an entire network with rated G soap opera drama..........

I would LOVE to post a recording of my kids before my birthday dinner the other night, literally YELLING THEIR HEADS OFF TO BE HEARD, all wanting the other to understand that THEIR plight in life is the worst on the planet, despite the other trying to convince them, NO MY LIFE IS WAY WORSE....

Then my husband, not in the nicest voice he's ever used, quieted everyone down so that we could pray the blessing before dinner and you would have thought we put a muzzle on them because they were barely audible!!  He stopped them once, made them start over, reminded them who we were praying to and for, and once again, they were barely audible.  

I want to post things like that.  Like the two girls that share a room who are almost 14 and 17 who get along like fire and ice and most days are decent to each other, but a LOT of days, sound like something out of a horror movie.....

Of course, on the flip side of exposing myself and my family like that, there is the unwritten horror of the "wrong people" getting a hold of these posts and of course, finding a way to hurt my family.  By either turning us in to child social services, or just getting unwanted and negative feedback from the social media world who apparently have full time jobs of just trolling the internet looking for people to fight with. 

I would LOVE for people to understand that just because I have a lot of children, does not mean I have some sort of trophy awarded to me titled, "mom who can do anything..." 

Because if anything, I'm about the laziest mom on the planet.  

I do not make my kids lunches.  They start in Kindergarten perfecting that art.  They are quite good at it.  

I do not clean my kids rooms.  (let me restate that-I will occasionally go in and do a trash/declutter removal when the "junk" gets mile high).

I do not make their beds.  Even the 8 year old, who believe me, let's me know every.time she's made to change her sheets, that she 'just.can't.do.it....' (in the whiniest voice I've ever heard next to Caillou!  And y'all KNOW how whiney Caillou was!!!!)

I do not bring their lunch to school after their "first freebie."  I am a firm believer in one free pass, after that, we must learn to be better organized.  Ouch.  Had a mom call me a nasty name over that one years ago......oh well.  My children are probably scarred from worse things....believe me.

I do not allow electronic devices before middle school.  Middle school for us is 7th & 8th.  And even now, I'm considering moving that date back to HS permanently.  I've discovered that parents are getting snowed by their sweet little gems who are secretly creating multiple accounts and hiding chat groups and bullying other kids on these accounts.  Trust no one.  Kids are naturally inclined to do wrong.  That's why we have them for 18 years.  Clearly, someone, SOMEONE, believed at some point, they need lots of intervention.  Consider this my intervention.  Even in HS it will be a case by case evaluation.  

But in middle school, there is a phone in the office that kids can use to call us parents who are waiting with baited breath for their every move.  I was delighted when I asked the office that question and posed it with the simple truth, "My kid is not going to have a device next year. Will they die from becoming lost in a classroom alone with out my constant technological supervision reminding them to breath/and or go to the next class?'  The woman, whom I felt found me delightfully refreshing, said, 'of course not!  My dear, let me show you this old fashioned device we have just over here, just for such occasion......'  To my surprise, a PHONE!

We're BFF's now.  :) 

Perhaps not exactly like this....

But there are a LOT of things that I do and DON'T do, that would probably horrify today's "modern" parents!!  But the fact that I have so many children, causes so many to safely assume so many things about us.  We are basically the same as most parents.  Basically.  We are far more frugal.  Don't give in to many whims and desires.  Can't afford to take them to Disney....ever.   But honestly, I have no desire.  I really don't even like trying to plan a vacation, let alone go on one....but my kids don't seem too terribly scarred by that.  We camp a lot, and try to a vacation once a year if the kids school schedules allow for it.  There are a lot of them (kids).  Even them just picking one sport/activity to participate in, causes us a lot of taxi driving.  Which we don't mind.  It's part of our job as parents. We are just now getting one old enough to actually drive by herself and she has just made enough money to buy her own car (GASP!  NO-we don't buy cars for our kids either....good lord, do we look like Mommy & Daddy Warbucks???)    

My desire is to do the very best I can raising semi-nice, functional humans that can contribute to our society and maybe, just maybe, help make it a little better place than how we found it....

But most importantly, I want other mommas to understand that I am the farthest from perfect.  I struggle day to day.  I cry a lot.  I pray a LOT.  Matter of fact, I couldn't do this crazy without my faith.  I don't know how other large families do it, but that is what gets me through daily.  I worry that not only will I screw up my kids, but I'll screw up ALL OF MY KIDS.... Statistically speaking, it's worse for me!!!

But that momma who just has one, and is barely keeping a float.  Or that momma with three rambunctious crazy boys.  Or that momma who has had more miscarriages than she cares to admit and cries herself to sleep thinking she'll never have kids, we all struggle!  We all have those crosses we bear and we carry them the best way we can.  No parent is perfect, minus God our father, and frankly, like the new book I'm reading pointed out, if we are truly all God's children, all of us, created in His image and likeness, then that includes all.of.us.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the criminal, the dangerous, the deceitful, the murderers, the prostitutes, the addicts, all of us.  Every.single.one.of.us.  We don't look at Him and say, "Wow, God, you really messed that one up...."  The same way we shouldn't look at our own kids and make the same assumption.  Free will is a tricky gift to us.

Lastly, just take one GIANT thing from me if you take anything.  My life is crazy.  I love it, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for all the money in the universe, but it's crazy.  My carpet is falling apart.  My cabinets are peeling.  My husband has a really, REALLY super cool shell of a Mustang he'll probably  never have time to work on, let alone find and install all the necessary parts to make it an actual working vehicle (which sometimes kinda makes me sad, cause it's SUPER COOL).  My house is in constant disarray.  The white trim (why on God's green earth did white ever become a style in houses, natural wood is just so...... PERFECT for kids....) is chipped, peeling, dented, black....the house needs another coat of paint already because there is only so much the magic erasers can erase before the paint begins to fade drastically.  I literally have a room full of girls and DESPERATELY need another bedroom because I'm fairly certain this child in utero is another girl just speaking statistically.  Do you KNOW how hard it is to find enough money to finish a basement AND still have a life AND still buy groceries?  It's a slow saving process.  My clothing is mostly hand me downs from my awesome sister who has the fashion sense of a pure genius.  My kids mostly wear hand me downs, not only from their siblings, but from awesome friends near and far who have made sure they too, recycle and reuse their own fantastic clothing.  My kids basically have three pairs of shoes when they're young.  Tennis shoes, church shoes, and snow boots.  Sometimes they're lucky if they request a new pair of shoes as their bday gifts, but mostly, they don't complain.  They have learned that hard work and saving can produce some of the things most children are blessed to acquire by simply existing.  That is a skill that can't really be taught except by doing.

I am no super mom.  I don't even come close.  I don't pretend to have it together, even when my kids all appeared dressed for the day and laundry is mostly done.  Those are bonus days.  I am just like you.  Working hard to be a daughter of a great King, loving my kids the best way I can, and encouraging the mommas I know to keep on truckin', through the good, the bad and the toddler temper tantrum world we live in.  Hope you can relate...Love all y'all.

New Year, New Self....Be YOU.

I recently saw a post on Facebook that stated something I think we as women could all use a reminder of....


"I didn't ask you to be her,
I asked you to be you."
~God

I don't know about anyone else out there, but this resonated with me tremendously.  I had taken a month or so off of Facebook and what I discovered was that I had stopped worrying about everything I was doing wrong as a mom, a wife, a woman, you name it.  I got to where I was feeling so bad about how I was a train wreck in the making that I had almost convinced myself that I was the only one in the universe who couldn't keep a clean house, who had zero social life because basically when you have a large family, your life revolves around a large family (and there is NOTHING wrong with that), and that I was a loser as a female in about every category imaginable.  (believe me, I've said this before, my husband is up for Sainthood living with me....)

I think social media can be good, but it can also be horrible.  I think there is a happy balance, but can people really attain that happy balance?  I mean, if we truly sit and think about it, how many of us on these sites, don't go back constantly and see who has liked our status, or rebutted a comment we've made on another's post, or look for anything to affirm how we live our lives?  If you're one of the few, I think you're lying, or don't have a Facebook page.  Ok, just kidding.  You aren't lying if you have a very healthy balance of spending as much time on social media as you do with live human beings.... :)

I think it's very important that we stop comparing ourselves....and that's way easier said than done.  I've done a lot of stupid things to lose friendships over the years, and people have stopped being my friend for similar reasons, but what I've noticed is there is a disconnect with true human to human contact.  We don't know HOW to communicate except behind a keyboard and it's far easier to hide behind one than to actually sit and communicate.

And I think the people suffering the most other than the children that are permitted on social media (and mine will not be until they are 18 for very good reasons...) Are us women.  We have already built into our souls a bit of a guilt complex.  We feel guilty over a lot of things.  How we do most everything.  (disclaimer-this is my opinion.....please understand.  I'm one person in this galaxy of opinionated humans....you have the right to disagree and I will welcome that...this is just what I see)

We can feel guilty over just about everything!
Here is an example.

Christmas here in my crazytown home.  We buy the children three gifts (who am I kidding, I BUY, superhero hubs just approves the spending...).  Just as the Wise Men brought Christ.  Which is why we celebrate Christmas btw.....  Santa, whom we don't place a whole lot of emphasis on, but still 'believe in' brings them one gift each after they go to bed on Christmas Eve.

Well, Christmas morning arrives and they're ooohing and awwing over their Santa gifts (we go to Mass in the morning and open our gifts after) and some of the little ones are looking longingly at the other's gifts.  I let that little pit of guilt seep in and before I know, I've convinced myself Christmas is ruined because little Junie bug didn't get the Generic American Girl doll like her sister, SusieQ....

Then I let that seep into my heart and mind and by the end of the opening of the gifts, my superhero hubs asks if I've had a good Christmas so far and I give him this look and he immediately realizes he has two choices.
1) Run.  As fast as he can the opposite way and pretend he never asked..... or
2) Suck it up.  Take a deep breath, and ask 'what's wrong.'  In which case I go into a diatribe of what I did wrong this year at Christmas.  Who got the shaft, and how I 'never seem to get the gifts right with my kiddos...'  He spends the next hour (or 5) reassuring me that yes, I did well by the children and no, they are not shafted, and no, they will NOT be scarred because we didn't get them a Playstation or Xbox or whatever is the latest and greatest electronic saga toy.  They won't be on Jerry Springer because of Christmas gifts......It will be because of other things....... (he's such a card....)

Facebook is kinda the same way.  And I suppose Instagram can probably be worse because it's literally just a snap shot, which is usually perfect and well "portrayed" and can make a person feel as though they are not living up to today's standards of the 'perfect look.'  I only have Instagram because I am the co-chair of our Catholic Women's conference group and we realize that we need to reach as many women as we can to bring them to our conferences, but I see it there, even if I'm not posting my own "Norman Rockwell" photos of home life.

What we need to do for ourselves this 2017 is make some New Year Resolutions that we will work less on looking at the 'snap shot' photos and making assumptions.  I think we can all agree that we sometimes look at the quick snapshots and think it's how life is 24/7 for everyone but us.  We have to remind ourselves that we have these snapshot moments as well, but that there are also lots more unsightly snap shots that we don't post simply because we know no one wants to see the ugly!  I mean, I don't get on Facebook hoping someone shows ME a clogged toilet full of an 8 year's dump that is running over the toilet and draining INTO THE BASEMENT........

(sorry, that moment was actually very real for me a few weeks ago and it has apparently scarred me for L-I-F-E.....)   Sorry.

We need to work on our REAL relationships that are right here in front of us.  Our families and friends.  Towards the end of last summer, it hit me like a TON of bricks that my time left with my oldest two children was truly drawing to an end.  Meaning, my time with them as children, home with just us, and not moved away, in college, married, etc.  My oldest is a junior and I'll admit, it hit me HARD.  I took a step back, stopped worrying about 'fitting in' and 'getting out' with friends, and really tried to focus on my kids.  I'm sure it bothered people telling them no to helping them, or getting together, but my priority is, was, and always will be my family.  My oldest will be graduating in a year and a half and who knows where her future will take her.  But what I DO know?  Is that I can leave a lasting impression with her by being present.  Physically in more than the sense as sitting next to her while we are both on our devices enjoying the world and not each other....but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
We need to make these resolutions not only for our families and friends sake, but for our own.  Once we realize that the grass IS greener right where we water it, we'll start to realize that while the pictures of these perfect snapshots are amazing and beautiful, they are only that.  Snap shots.  And then, like me, we'll all realize, that a lot more of these people have snapshots just like us....

Clogged toilets.
Kids fighting.  Constantly.
Leftovers for dinner for the umpteenth time.
Kids fighting. Constantly.
Dirty houses.
Toys everywhere.
Barbie and Lego traps waiting to cut right into the heel of your feet.
Kids fighting...Will it ever stop?
Tubs with dirt rings so deep it will take the ENTIRE CAN OF SCRUBBY BUBBLES TO CLEAN.
A husband out of town again......while 46 events take place in that 5 day period.....
Teenagers who terrify us to death driving.
Kids fighting....Good Lord, what now???
Bills.
Death of a loved one.
Illnesses.
Kids fighting. We might miss that sound one day.......

Clearly, kids fighting is a winner in this house.  But I hope I've given a bit of a smile in our seemingly ultra-sensitive world where a person can't even post a pic of a delicious meal without someone going all postal on them, or an actor can't give a super sweet compliment about another who passed away without being publicly scoffed by the keyboard troll police for seeming 'insensitive.'

We need to find that healthy balance of real life and social media land.  And if we can't, we need to turn it off for a while and turn on the family time.  One New Year's Resolution after another.  Focus on the people around you.  The real ones.  Flesh and bones sitting right next to us longing to have a conversation with us.

Or maybe, just longing to tell me the toilet is clogged.............again.......for the elevendy billionth time this week.........

Snow time and family photos!

I wish I could make a cartoon of my life, because some days, it certainly feels that I am in one cartoon square after another.....

It's taken me two days to find the time to write about a rather hilarious moment in the world of catholicmomma that happened on Sunday.

It snowed.

For the sake of not giving away my "family Christmas photo" and ruin the fun of it all, I'll just post the above photos of two super cute minions in my home.  One of whom is experiencing her first actual snowfall and the other who is just a rookie with two years experience.

They had been predicting this snow for a few weeks.  Actually, I was hoping the European model was more accurate, because it had the other areas other than snow country (south of us) getting up to a foot of snow.

But no such luck was in store for us.  So we had to settle for a few inches of the white stuff.

Alrite, where was I?  Oh yes, Christmas pictures and cartoon life.

I had been contemplating a day when all seven of the children would actually be home at the same time, not napping, not needing a nap, not hungry, not working, not having sports, band, etc (the window is small my friends, very small) and mentioning in passing how I would like to take a family photo of everyone one day soon.  Money is very tight in my home, so the more I can save by "DIY" the better.

Last Friday, it was 71 degrees.  I was so hoping to get them outside in the beautiful fall day and get some cute ones, but of course, as large families go, baby was asleep before oldest had to go to work and it was dark by the time we were all together because it gets dark at 3 pm these days.... (ok, really 5pm, but it feels like midnite by 5 pm)

Saturday I was at a conference all day promoting our women's conference for next year and Saturday night my oldest again had to work.....

See a pattern here?

So, Sunday, while my oldest was at driving school, I had the hair brained idea that getting a photo with them in their snow suits and standing with the Christmas trees in the back would be AWESOME!!!  (disclaimer-they are apparently not called Christmas trees up here, but in fact, are called things from firs to spruce-I know, terribly wrong.  They're Christmas trees...duh...)

Here is what I envisioned...

I've no idea who these people are....

I swear, as I google messed up family snow photos, I am finding NONE.  So apparently, there is a market out there for people to post some pretty messed up outdoor snow pictures and I will not be the first one.  Perhaps that's why there ARE no snowy family epic fail pics as of yet.....

Anyway, it was a train wreck in the making.  If I was good at making cartoons, I would draw a cartoon depicting the entire scenario starting with when the almost 17 year old got home from class and immediately began complaining that her coat was too small....

I knew I was forgetting to order someone something for winter this year.....

Then the fight ensued over the hat my son should wear.  That hat may be permanently MIA.

The middle child said her hair was an oily mess.  (Isn't that what hats were made for??)

The babies were rested and ready, but the wind was blowing so hard it was scaring the youngest one.  

The photo session lasted all of 3.2 minutes with mounds of complaints.  

"My eyes are watering."

"I'm freezing."

"Can we go in?"

"Can we have hot chocolate?"

"Are we done yet?"  (which I quickly corrected and said we are not chicken in an oven....)

Wah, wah, wah, wah. 

And I was the one just wearing a hooded sweatshirt!!  These kids these days!! 

Fortunately, my superhero hubs was outside with us, doing the best to entertain the two Taz's into smiling willingly, but the ultimate photo that was chosen has a rather smirky boy,two squinty teen girls, an overzealouly smiling pre-teen, an 8 year old who FINALLY opened her eyes, a three year old more interested in the snow in the Christmas trees, and a rather devilishly smiling 22 month old.....

All in all a success I think..... you tell me after you receive the card....bahahahahahaha.....

My All Saints Adventure.

Today is a holy day in the Catholic Church.  We honor the Saints in Heaven today. All of us should really be striving to get to Heaven.  I know yesterday I wrote about my disenchantment with my Catholic peeps.  Today, I hope they attended Mass and heard the readings and hopefully listened to a great homily.... I went to www.mycatholic.com and the craziest thing happened! I went to listen to the reflection on  today's readings, just to refresh my brain before I wrote, and lo and behold, the  priest doing the reflection?  IS FROM BUFFALO!!!!

Fr. David Baker?

Click on Fr. David's name!!!!  INSANE!!  But what he says sums  up  today!!!  Truly- a beautiful summary of the readings from Revelation, 1  John, and Matthew!!!  What we all should be striving for!  ALL OF US!!!!!!

So, I took five of the minions to Church this morning.  It was at 8:00 am, at a parish in the town I live in, which to give an idea of the number of parishes I  live "near," I could probably go to around 20 different churches within a 10 mile radius of my house.  I have Catholic surrounding me.  Or so I thought when I moved here.....the truth is in the pudding so to speak.  City-data lists Catholics at 77% here..... 13% where I moved from.  I was sad to discover that  most of the  77% who identity as "Catholic" do so in name only........most do not attend Mass regularly,  and sadly, most do not attend Holy Days of obligation.

But I digress again....if only I could convince them of the healing power of the Eucharist.  They'd never miss Mass....

So it was 8:00am.  A "new" church.  Literally 2-3 miles from my house.....We go in and sit towards the front.  I felt like not doing the  front row today, because despite my children behaving better sitting up front, having to walk out of a new church with a screaming toddler yelling, "no mommy" wasn't exactly on my fun radar today.

Mass was great.  Priest gave a great homily.  Told us we should all be striving for  Heaven.  And if we follow God's commandments, all of them (he added that last part in a serious voice), we should get to Heaven.  It's our hope. It's our prayer. It's our goal.

During the course of  Mass, several exciting things happened.   I'll just make some bullet points...

1. #6 loves singing.  Loves "following along" with the book.  She was singing and  using the book and when it was over, tried to lower the book, and in the process, ripped the page right.out.of.the.book.  Perfectly ripped it out.  I  looked over at my 8th grader and mouthed the  words, 'perfect...'  The 8th grader giggled and took the book and tried her best to make it look like that page never came out..... it sorta worked....

2.  Collection today.  Nothing like a collection basket coming down your row and feeling like a cheap skate.  "oops."  I say to my 8th grader.  Perfect #2.  She giggled some more....

3.  To keep terrorist 1 & 2  occupied, the 8th grader gave them a few envelopes and pencils.  Unfortunately, the tinier of the two terrorists, started doing this insane scribbling thing and preceded to stab herself with the tiny little sharpened weapon, er, I mean pencil in the  process.  This produced a rather loud cry, the intitial, 'crap, momma, that  hurt....' and led into the full blown, 'I think my arm needs to be amputated now,' cry.  It was amazing.  Once again, I look over at the 8th grader and mouthed, 'perfect.'

4. Was the only one once again wearing a veil.  I keep hoping to one day 'run into' a kindred spiritual sister wearing her veil, wrestling with her kids....but I don't.  Pretty sure I'm the only weirdo crazycatholicmomma in the universe.  Some days I'm ok with that, but others, it gets kinda lonely.  Just keep telling myself, "Mary wears a veil.  Want to be like Mary.  The Eucharist is  my focus.  My veil allows me to humble myself (in more ways than one) before my Lord and Savior.....'

5. Mass ended with relatively little debacle after that and I even managed to get my 3rd grader to her school before it even started!  Score one positive for crazycatholicmomma today!

6.  8th grader begged that  I  'take my time' getting to  the middle school.  She didn't want to come back right before the bell rang and wonder where she should go.  So I obliged her by driving through Tim Horton's to get myself a coffee, some donuts, and water for all of them.  She seemed extremely grateful and when we dropped her off, she informed me  that she missed a test today!

Explains her compliance with missing class this morning...................

So that was my All Saints morning.  My oldest attended Mass last night because her volleyball  team has it's semi-final playoffs tonight and my son has to work at our parish as the sacristan during the evening Mass.  Hopefully the super hero hubs remembered to attend Mass at noon today downtown so we can watch the oldest play volleyball.....

It was chaos.  It was exhausting.  But I hope that I'm  setting that example for  my children to see, that even in the chaos, the  busy, the overwhelmed, that it is so important to stop.  Examine what it's important.  And celebrate those who have  gone before us and have "won the fight!"

God bless you today.

The Real Life Screwtape Letters....

I finally did it.  I finally stepped away, deleted it from my phone, and walked to the other side.

I hopped off social media and it's been amazing.

I did hop back on yesterday to Facebook to post some hysterically old pictures of  my superhero hubs and I and our wedding party in honor of our 20th wedding anniversary.  The likes and  the comments made me feel good and suddenly that familiar feeling of, 'how many likes do I  have,' or 'Who has or hasn't commented yet?' started seeping in.

Like a fungus.

And then like everything else, I began to scroll through and waste time on social media and within minutes, felt my blood pressure rising as the political comments and storms and voices of highly opinionated  people continued to flood my feed.  So many people coming at odds with each other and the most disappointing aspect?

The people of my faith.  Catholics.  Each finding something to spew about each candidate.  How some are voting for the truly proven biggest pro-abortion politician to ever grace our political world.  How some are voting for the pig, narcissistic, woman grabbing, whore mongrel candidate. And how even some people are considering a third party vote, which if  anyone has ever taken a math class, would know that  there is no way on God's green earth a third party member will ever win. Which sucks, but it's true.....

Although I laugh about my vote in New York, it really is quite sad that my vote could potentially not really  matter in this or any election when there are so many people, extremely co-dependent on government assistance, voting one specific way every time.  It's high time the government cut the cord, so to speak, and  started teaching people how to fish, instead of feeding them constantly.

But I digress.

Let me back track to my original concern.  My Catholic peeps.

This election has truly brought out the ugly in all of us.  I can honestly say,  that  I have had my share of comments to people I felt were crazy.  I was beginning to be an angry person myself and found myself resenting people I had a great deal of respect for and admired tremendously.  I was losing my temper with my own personal family here at home, and avoiding friends at all cost.  Which isn't terribly hard to do as of  late, since my social life consists of mad dashes to Wegman's for lunch meat or BJ's for diapers.  Which, thanks to the political storm teams, has been ok by me!

I have read blogs, Facebook posts, Instagram accounts, news articles and heard people of  my faith, say things that I'm fairly certain, they would be extremely embarrassed to say if Jesus Christ was standing right there.  I just feel sick about it!  Do people not get it?  This is feeding right into the Devil's hands!  Hasn't ANYONE read the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis?  I can write a whole chapter on what Screwtape is writing to Wormwood right now....I won't, but I could, and it would go something like this:

"My Dearest Wormwood,

It's working quite well now, this subtle introduction to the  people of the Catholic faith that they are each, individually, far superior than their neighbor.  That everything they say is right and everything anyone else who disagrees is, well, wrong of course....You've done brilliantly in asserting ideas into their heads about the 'right' way to be, and  the 'right' way to vote and even such delusions in making them think that if they size it all up by stating 'mercy' and 'there are no lesser evils' than they'll be victorious!  The wonderful thing is, the division!!!  It started so many, many years ago, but this-this election!!  I could not have laid out the success of these results so far if I had tried! The division is spreading. They are definitely turning to Our Father Below without even realizing and turning away from The Enemy quite splendidly!
I wouldn't change a thing my dear nephew!  Keep convincing them that this divisiveness is for their own good, that this will "cleanse" the Church, and  that in the end, it is they who will be victorious, regardless of how their neighbor feels.  Glorious.  Our father below will be quite proud, quite proud in deed!"

Read the book if you haven't.  It's quite good and very relevant to today's times.

I don't know if I'll ever jump back on Facebook full  throttle again after this election.  I honestly, would  really like to find a farmhouse on some land, or a cabin in the mountains far off the grid.  I mean, extreme off the grid.  No cell phones, no computers, no nothing.  I have truly been in such better spirits stepping away.

It just seems we've all kind of gotten this really kind of narcissistic attitude about pretty much everything.  Oh I hear words like, mercy, and justice, but in the same voice I hear hurtful, ugly, words that wouldn't dare be uttered before, Him, so why utter them when not?

I have really tried to teach my kids to think about others all the time.  As kids, it's a struggle- and believe me, my husband and I are swimming upstream most days in this  teaching, but when we hear people close to us, condemning, judging, even yelling and swearing at others, or even just plugging their ears to avoid any kind of conversation, I really must wonder what type of society we're letting ourselves become.  As we get more and more advanced, and technology gets more and more creative, and literally seeping into every corner of our lives, where virtually nothing is silent and sacred and private anymore, we seem to be becoming more isolated, alone, depressed, and defensive.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe everyone out there thinks this is all normal and par for the course of life.

Maybe that's why I won't have any trouble, hunkering down, and closing the door, and just enjoying doing what God entrusted me to do.  Raise my family.  Love my husband, welcome my neighbors, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned, and not update everyone on how I feel they are wrong and I am right.....always.... ;)..... Just a thought.....

Read "The Screwtape Letters" if you haven't.  It might surprise you how relevant it is today.....

Never wish away the little years....

Seriously.  Where DOES the time go.  I can not believe it's been over two months since I  blogged.  I LOVE to write. I love to write about nothing. I love to write about everything, I love to write, write, write, and write some more.  I have got to be a better organizer of my time.

So it's August 25th.  Let's just recap a bit of the last oh, 11 weeks.

Kids finished school.  Summer started.  Crazy summer activities came into full swing.

Yep.  That's about it.

Ok, we have been extremely busy, but it's been a nice busy.  I have been struggling this summer with some serious nostalgia issues.  For whatever reason, this summer has been very bittersweet for  me.  I think it's a combination of my older two children getting older, my oldest is a junior in high school and  my second oldest is a sophomore.  They've always followed each other in school.  Now that  it seems they don't have much time together, I'm feeling this weird feeling.  My next one starts 8th grade so she's in her last transition before high school and they all three will be together for the first time since we lived in Arkansas.  I'm both excited and terribly sad for this event.   My fourth is getting home schooled this year.  We  are taking a year off of the girl drama and just focusing on our work and swim team and good friends.  It was a rough 5th grade year.  I'm finding the upper elementary gets more and  more toxic each year.  I could blame the obnoxious children who have everything, but in reality, it's us as parents.  We can't stop indulging our children and then justify it by saying fantastic things like,  "well, I don't want him to be the only one without, blah blah blah..."  Fortunately (for my hubs and  I) unfortunately for my kids, we don't subscribe to  that way of life.  My fifth is starting 3rd this  fall and she has my sixth grader's former teacher.   We love her.  We know she'll have a fantastic year.

But something all summer has been nagging  at my heart and it's been hard to put into words.  I feel like we have a very limited time to all  be together.  Now, before you  think the worst, I simply mean, next summer, I'm fairly certain my then 17 year old will have  a pretty consistent job, and she'll be getting ready for her senior year and then graduation and who knows where that will lead her.

I don't think I'm ready for them to grow up.

I'll say that again, because you'll see later, the irony in all of this.

I don't think I'm ready for them to grow up.

Yep.  That's it exactly.  I'm not ready for them to grow up.  And  I know I've had over 16 years to plan and  prepare for this and  yes I know my youngest is 19 months old and I've got quite a ways to go before I'll ever be an empty nester, but people- I  had a large family on purpose!  I love  these little minions.  They, each and every one, even the four in Heaven, have such a large chunk of my heart that the thought of one of them actually spreading their wings and flying away, makes me anxious.

Oh,  I know, they are supposed to....Yes, when you train a child up, he never strays, but  that's not what I'm getting at.

I know my kids are going  to be fine, even in this toxic world we are living in, because each and ever one of them brings a special kind of light to the world that it so desperately needs.

I know that the whole purpose in training a child  to be a good, holy example of love and  mercy and to be able to function in society is what my job is, and to help them get to Heaven, but even that is not what  I mean.

It's something  deeper.  It's something that started over 16 years ago.  When we  began adding one little human after  another in  our home  and people started wondering if we knew what we were doing  (day law could I write a book about the comments-  people- seven is no where CLOSE to Duggar standards, ok??) and some days I wondered if we knew what we were doing, too.

Those moments in the  middle  of the night when one or another was not sleeping, or would stare at my husband until he shrieked a girlish shriek, or when it was time to take  all five to Walmart, it sent  my heart into palpitations  until we returned and everyone was alive and I managed  to only forget about 6 essential items......

I never thought it would end.   I never thought I would sleep through the night again (that luxury is now debatable because at 43,  I  guess you reach a point where you're resigned to waking up at least once).  I never thought I would  be able to eat a meal without standing and  shoving it down, that my life was  virtually on hold  from about 11-3 every.single.day for lunch and  naps.  That taking a shower without a toddler bringing  a gallon of milk opened would ever end..... That loading up an abnormally large family would mean allowing for  at LEAST an extra  15 minutes  every time  we went somewhere.

But now?

Now, I'll probably never have the luxury of carrying  another  child (ok, I AM 43 and that is like 95 in Sarah and Abraham years....).  I'll probably never have the joy of feeling for the  first time that flutter, that little, take your breath away you just felt the baby kick, gasp of excitement.  I'll probably never have that experience of waiting and wondering just what he/she would look like, would he/she have hair, be long, be chubby (who am I kidding, I've never  had one under 8 pounds....)

That truly beautiful, emotional, stressful, time of  pregnancy.

I hear a lot of women say they don't ever want to be pregnant again.  They don't want x,y, and z to ever happen and I can understand to an extent.  I truly can't fathom vomiting every single day.  Pretty sure I would have less children if that had been that case....  but it really hit me hard this summer that my sweet little #7 was the last little baby I would  ever  have the honor of raising from conception  on.  And I'm  not alone in my thought-even though my kiddos tell me to have more babies (I did a GREAT job of hiding how miserable I was.....) the older ones say the same thing about #7.  They tell her all the time to stop growing and to  stop talking so much because it means she's getting older....

But it's even deeper than that.

Now, when I look at my 16 1/2, 15, 13, 11, 8, 3, and 19 month old?  I see just how quickly the time truly does go.  It goes.  And it goes, and  there is no stopping it.  There is no getting off the crazy train called earth to slow it down a bit.  It goes and  goes.  And they grow and grow and before long, those long nights of wearing the carpet at the foot of your bed down to a ragged path to calm a crying baby  are over.  Those nights of listening to the monitor to  make sure you don't hear anyone crying, are done (we don't do TV monitors, there are  some things I'm  pretty confident I'll never use....).  Those nights when you wake up because you heard something and you walk all.over.the.house to see if one of  them is up wondering around....

I see two high school kids who are  growing and maturing into two of the sweetest, kindest, most generous young adults I could ever have dreamed of them becoming.  The way they interact with adults, their manners, their beautiful smiles.

I see a middle schooler who, despite her own insecurities, brings a light of love into  the  room, even when she's 'annoyed' with us.  I see her and can completely imagine what she'll be like when she grows up- passionate, hard working, dedicated to whatever  she decides to do.

I see  a sixth grader who loves  her big sisters.  She has such a desire  to be a peacemaker  and  share with others.  I can see her heading off to a third world country after college to help bring a better way of life to others....

I see a spunky 3rd grader who fits the BILL for the "baby of the family" if any of you are familiar with the Birth Order Book by Kevin LeMay.  He was the baby of his family, so he's very familiar with that title....it could of been my #5 he wrote about.  Doing good  one  minute and causing all kinds of  trouble the  next.  She's a hoot.  But even now, I can see what might happen in the next few years with her as well....

Fortunately, I still have two not in school yet.  Funny how I say "fortunately."  Because for years, I mean, YEARS, I prayed all my kids would be in school, and as SOON as possible, so I could  have some time for myself.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's important to have time for you.  As moms, we  need to  be recharged and re-energized to be able to handle all the traffic that comes our way and it makes us better with our husbands, too.  But as far as the "fortunately" for me, I still have the opportunity to maybe be little less uptight, a little less rigid, and a lot more relaxed with these two.  I was a nervous nilly with my first two, three, heck, four kids.  ok,  five.  But now that I've  got such an amazing range of children, I can see something pretty incredible.

I wish I had never wished the little years away.

I will repeat that.

I wish I had never wished the little years away.

Remember what I said earlier?  I'm not ready for them to grow up???

I can't go back.  I can't change  things.  I can only forge ahead and take every single second I still have with these older ones and make some incredible memories.  That's all I can do.  I  can hope they forgive me for wishing they'd grow up, I can hope it didn't scar them into thinking I didn't love them as much as the little ones, and I can just love them at every single chance I'm given.  I can pray that they, too, understand that little feeling in their own guts that they miss being little, especially when they play with the two little ones.

That feeling is still there.  Deep in the recesses of my heart.  Knowing, that  one day, my "little" family is going to branch out and possibly be all over the world. For now, I will try to tuck that heartache away and remind myself of the heartache another mother I know, once had, when she was told that a sword would pierce her heart, too.

So Momma Mary, I ask you to  pray  for  me, and all my momma  friends out there  who might be struggling with their "little" ones growing up so quickly before their eyes.  I also ask you Our Heavenly Father, to bless and fill  the hearts of all of  us, but especially those young mommas  just starting this mothering journey.

 It's not an easy journey, and sometimes, even to this day, I throw my hands in the air and  tell Him, 'I don't know why you trust me with all these kids..... I can't do it......"  But then He fills my heart with a picture of my son feeding his baby sisters, or a picture of  my oldest after working so hard to make a team, and He reminds me that I'm not alone and I'm not doing this for me.  It makes it ok. God bless all y'all and hopefully I won't wait so long to write again.

Such a great big brother....

Made the Varsity Team!